Good ole Uncle Frank?

I love living in Tucson, Arizona. Great weather, beautiful views and boy, we sure are lucky to have two such wonderful politicians looking out for us. First off, Steve Kozachik wants to help us to get rid of old, unwanted guns that have been cluttering up the house.  Now we can take them to the Tucson police department’s midtown station at 22nd and Alvernon on Tuesday starting at 9am and trade them for a $50 Safeway card. This event was put together in an effort to get no longer wanted guns off the street where they could potentially fall into the hands of people seeking to cause harm.  But Frank Antenori wants to make sure we are getting a fair deal for the guns, as he feels $50 might not be such a great trade. So he has decided to set up shop next to Steve and make a better offer if he thinks the gun is worth more. How thoughtful of him, why he’s practically Father Christmas! I was moved to tears at the gesture Frank is making to be on the lookout for our financial welfare. Usually the politicians are picking our pockets but not this time. I scoff at those people claiming that this is nothing but a publicity stunt or an attention grab. It is clear to me that Frank, honest to goodness, has our backs on this matter. So much so that I thought, why stop at guns?  What about getting the best deal for other things laying around the house that we no longer need or use? Frank apparently has deep pockets and our best interest at heart so let’s make sure he knows how much we appreciate it. I say let’s load up all the crap around our house that we aren’t using, along with the stacks of guns too, of course, and take them to good ole Uncle Frank. There’s no sense in having to put out signs and advertise a yard sale when motivated buyers that care about getting you top dollar are right there ready to make you an offer. So bring out your used clothes, housewares and bric- a- brac and let Frank take them off your hands. It will be like Antique Roadshow but without the glamor. So hurry up and gather all those dust covered items and take them down to Frank tomorrow. He has money, he has your best interest in mind and he’ll be waiting!

I have given up on making any New Year Resolutions due to fact that I never get beyond January 3rd in holding them.  And since I lack the ability to influence my own behavior I figured I might as well try my hand at predicting the actions of others. So here are my New Year Predictions for 2013.

• Jan Brewer will leave the office of Governor to pursue her true passion, cage fighting.
• Archeologists will discover that the Mayans were really just a bunch of liars.
• The Westboro Baptist Church will be sucked into a giant sink hole and covered over with a gay wedding chapel.
• Marijuana will not only be declared legal in all 50 states but mandatory in those with a high incidence of anger and hatred.
• Ignorance will be labeled as not so much bliss but really annoying to those of us that are trying.
• The NRA will decide that the best way to protect school children is by arming all of them with tiny AK 47′s. More guns better.
• The government will narrowly avoid falling off the fiscal cliff only to be pushed by angry citizens tired of their incompetence.
• David Fitzsimmons will quit doodling and get a real job with Fox News, drawing conclusions.
• The AZ legislature will spend 2013 worn out from trying to ruin 2012.
• The love child of Jon Stewart and Stephan Colbert will write a tell all book on the loving couple.
• One Million Moms will admit that there are really only about 150 moms and they are Really lonely.
• Donald Trump will admit that his hair is as fake as the Christmas snow on a Tucson lawn.
• The U of A basketball team will clench the NCAA title in the spring, blowing away the competition.
• Not to be outdone, the Wildcats football team will play for the National Championship in 2014.
• All the animal shelters will close because people will act responsibly and there will be no need for them.
• Cat Belue’s prognosticating career will be short lived.

Well folks, that’s my short list for 2013, what are some of yours?

If you are reading this post, congratulations, the Mayan calendar was misinterpreted and the world did not end.Hallelujah! But now that means that I am way behind on Christmas shopping. And perhaps I shouldn’t have given away all my wealth. Well, I didn’t really have any I just quit paying my bills. That’s probably going to catch up with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent those scathing emails to people I have been meaning to tell off for some time. Just kidding everybody. While I am glad the earth is still spinning beneath my feet I must admit I’m a little bummed about it. Not being very good at planning anything, this was the first event I had really gotten on board with. Last night I finished off all the food in my house. And the booze. All of it. So now I am still alive but I feel like hell. Those damn mathematically challenged Mayans! I feel about as stupid as the Y2K nut jobs that were bunkered down with two years worth of supplies and their cousins. But Y2K was a modern prediction and everyone knows that you can’t count on those. Only the really old ones have the air of authenticity. I mean if you can’t count on the superior wisdom of a civilization that disappeared 4000 years ago, who can you trust?

I have long since accepted my own demise as a necessary step in this journey. But, like reading an interesting book and then putting it down before reaching the last page, the not knowing how it would all end has always bugged me. That, along with the fact that I hate to be left out of things. The idea of all of us going down in flames was very appealing to my vanity that had wondered, ‘How would everyone get along without me?’ Now I am right back where I started.

Those of you that never doubted the world would make it through the night are probably feeling pretty smug right about now. All of you ‘non believers’ and nay sayers. It is people like you that are choking the life out of life with your pragmatic propaganda. All in all my foray with end times was a liberating experience and one that I will cherish always. Or at least until the fallout from my actions come hurling down on me. I have been given a second chance at life which means that the pressure is back on. Now I have to actually do something with the time I have. Hmm..maybe I need to check in with Nostradamus….just to be sure.

As an animal lover and particularly a dog lover, I feel compelled at this time of year to reach out to those of you considering adding a k-9 member to your family. The holiday season is a time of magical thinking and indulgence. It’s a time of wishes coming true.  And who doesn’t melt at the thought of an adorable puppy on Christmas morning, all wet nose kisses and tail wagging love on paws? But there usually aren’t enough puppies in the shelters for all the people wanting one. So all too often these days, the answer can be found on the internet. A quick Google search will give you site after site of cuddly puppies of all varieties for sale. But buyer beware, in your quest for a dog you may be unwittingly funding a puppy mill, where the dogs are forced to live in deplorable conditions. The International Fund for Animal Welfare estimates that over 60% of six puppy for sale websites were likely from puppy mills and commercial breeders. Many times people purchase these animals only to find that they are sick and some die within the first few days. Puppy mills are horrible torture chambers for the animals that are all too often crammed into overcrowded cages where sickness and disease travel rapidly from dog to dog. Sting operations into the business of puppies for profit have uncovered dogs living in feces packed environments, often without adequate food or water. The females are sometimes over bred to the point of death and forced to live out their lives like a piece of machinery.

Please, don’t be part of the problem by supporting these unethical practices. There are many shelters in the Tucson area such as the Humane Society of Southern Arizona, HOPE animal shelter and Pima Animal Care Center just to name a few. These havens for giving dogs a second chance often have puppies and young dogs available for adoption. Or better yet, why not give a forever home to a mature dog that is already house broken and just in need of a family to love? And once you make the decision to be a pet owner, please take that job seriously and only after carefully thought out planning. It is easy to see the aftermath of irresponsible pet owners. People that fail to have their dogs spayed or neutered turning out litter after litter of unwanted pups. Owners that simply get tired of a dog they never truly trained or cared for so they give it up. Or once the novelty of having a puppy gives way to an adolescent dog that is chewing the furniture, still not house broken and becoming an economic burden so it is simply turned loose in the streets to fend for itself. This is no way for a dog to be treated.

I believe there is no joy greater than sharing your life with a companion animal. My three dogs are like family members to me. I can’t imagine seeing them or any other animal suffering because some person wants to make a buck. The best way to shut down puppy mills once and for all is to not patronize them. If you aren’t allowed to go to the facility where the puppy lives to inspect the environment, take this as a red flag that something is being hidden from you. Legitimate owners will not need for you to meet them at a neutral site. And never send money for a pet without seeing it first, airport pickups are a big scam. The bottom line as an animal lover is to protect them at all costs. They are living, breathing bundles of unconditional love, not commodities to be cast off when they no longer serve our needs. We owe them that gift of humanity.

If you have any other words of advice, please share them. It is our responsibility to care for the weakest among us.

Ninja Hands?

Jan Brewer is at it again! Apparently it wasn’t enough that she wagged her bony little nose picker in the face of our president, now she has punched a reporter. Dennis Welch, a reporter for TV3, asked Brewer her opinion on global warming and the question appeared to catch her off guard. So according to Micheal Clawson, the reporter who witnessed it, Brewer balled up her fist and ‘slugged’ Welch for asking. Stating, “Where in the hell did that come from?” Brewer was obviously more than a bit perturbed to be put on the spot on camera. Wow!

Then it dawned on me that Brewer has been conspicuously absent from her post all week with mere speculation as to where she might be and what she may be doing. Is she on holiday, interviewing for mid-wife position for the royals, helping the GOP with fiscal budget stalling, rehearsing for next season’s ‘Dancing with the Stars’? Where on earth is she? Then I heard that she might be in Afghanistan visiting our troops and the first thing I thought was, ‘haven’t they been through enough?’ But then it hit me, Jan Brewer is a special ops agent sent to infiltrate the Taliban! Suddenly it all made sense. No one can seem so out of touch with their constituents, clueless about climate change, ignorant on immigration, goofy about gays and generally coo- coo for Cocoa Puffs accidentally. No, it must be a rouse to keep her true identity hidden. Think about it, when she shoved her finger in Obama’s face wasn’t there a playful component that reeked of insider folly? How else can you explain the fact that Obama laughed the whole incident off? Clearly he knew that she was auditioning for the role of Geriatric Militant Ninja Turtle and was showing off her lightening fast hands. Who better to bring down a clandestine operation but someone who has proven they can bring down an entire US state? Wielding only brazen chutzpa, a barbed tongue and beady eyes capable of burning holes into the opponent and a truckload of unmitigated gall, I believe she can do it. I mean look at what she’s done to us.

Here’s my argument; the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lived in the sewers of New York City and remained isolated from society at large. Well, Jan Brewer may not live in a sewer but her thoughts appear to dwell there. And while she is not isolated from society she is isolated from reality, so…I think I’m on to something here people. With this latest act of putting the smack down on the press, she has clearly stepped into an alternate existence where only super heroes and crazy people live. And we, the citizens of the state she presides over, know best the answer to that.

So tell me, what do you think??

On Saturday, Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins to death. He then drove to Arrowhead Stadium where he thanked his coach and general manager before putting the gun to his head and ending his own life in front of them.  According to the Kansas City police department, an argument started after Kasandra came home late from a concert. At some point in the fight Jovan pulled a gun and murdered Kasandra as his horrified mother watched helplessly.  What a tragic legacy to leave to his three month old baby Zoe, who will never know her mother or father. And sadly, they just became two more statistics in the growing pool of domestic violence.

On Sunday, a Staten Island man bludgeoned his wife to death with a metal baseball bat. Gregory Surinaga is being held for the murder of his wife, Jodi Surinaga. Apparently he believed she was having an affair. Their two teenage children were in the house at the time of the murder and called 911. Jodi was 42 years old.

In both cases something just snapped and once the violence has been unleashed there is no going back. Guns make it easier to commit murder but one doesn’t need a firearm to kill. In a moment of anger, everything can be lost.

The numbers of domestic violence abuses continue to rise and with them, the numbers of homicides. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. For every woman that notifies police of incidents of abuse, the number that don’t can only be estimated. The scars of domestic abuse leave lasting impressions on the children that often witness the violence. Men, that as children witnessed domestic violence in their home, become twice as likely to abuse their wives in the future. Girls witnessing the abuse of their mother are more likely to stay in an abusive relationship as adults. More than three women in this country die each day at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends.

These are sobering statistics. But statistics are merely numbers on a spread sheet and can’t begin to tell the true story of what it costs us individually and as a society. I know first hand the toll it takes on those that have lived through domestic violence. I watched and intervened as my step father systematically abused my mother for years. I will never understand how she accepted him back in spite of the broken bones, busted lips and black eyes. She eventually got away from him, alive. She is one of the lucky ones for not adding her name to the roster. But the wounds are still there for all of us. They may no longer bleed but the pain of what the experience cost us are never far away.

In the state of Arizona there were at least 101 domestic violence deaths in 2011. As of June of this year there were already at least 48 deaths. Arizona averages roughly 100 murders from abuse each and every year. And looking at the numbers in other states, the bottom lines are just as bleak if not more so. If domestic violence were a disease it would be a pandemic. We lose over 1300 people a year to this tragic end, murdered by someone they love. Murdered by a familiar stranger.

If you are living in an abusive relationship or know someone that is, please, please seek help. Do not continue to live in a violent situation and do not expose your children to it. There is help, there is a way out. Please, don’t become a number on a piece of paper. Share this information with those you care about.

Where to get help for domestic abuse.

If you are in danger, call 911!

To reach the crisis line at Emerge! call 888-428-0101

The Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 800-782-6400

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233

Domestic Violence – Shelters/Safe Houses;

Administration of Resources and Choices (Elder Abuse) (520)327-2665

(24 hr) (520)566-1919

Boys Town National Hotline (24 Hours) 1-800-448-3000 TTY:1-800-448-1833

Brewster Center/Westhouse – Tucson (Crisis Hotline) (520)622-6347 (877)472-1717

Casa Amparo – South Tucson (Crisis Hotline) (520)746-1501

Casa de Los Ninos (Children) (520)624-5600

Our  Family Services  (520)323-1708

Salvation Army (520)622-5411

New Beginnings for Women & Children – Tucson (520)292-0648

Tucson Center for Women & Children/AVA Crisis Center (520)795-4266 (520)795-4880

While those around me are busy writing out their holiday ‘to do’ lists, I am diligently making out my ‘not to do’ list. I have found that it is much more important to know what to avoid than what to embrace. Luckily for me I have already been able to cross off one item. Instead of going shopping on Black Friday in an effort to save a few bucks, I just crossed off some names from my gift list!

1. I will not compliment people on their hideously ugly Christmas clothes just to be nice. And that means you mom.
2. I will not drink up my liquor cabinet and call people I haven’t talked to in years. Not again.
3. I will not freak out when the old lady at the front of a long line drags out her checkbook. It may be her last Christmas.
4. I will not get upset about anything Bill O’Reilly says about Xmas or anything for that matter.
5. I will not eat up the entire tray of deliciousness under the guise of losing the weight in a week. I think we all know that’s not going to happen.
6. I will not brag to relatives about Tucson’s great weather. It’s like chumming in brackish waters; you never know what you’ll pull in.
7. I will not attempt to create any dessert pictured in a magazine, the end result of my efforts are just too sad.
8. I will not pretend to like a sucky gift. I will instead let the awkward moment sit there as a lesson to the offender.
9. I will not be one of those people that dress up their dogs for pictures with Santa purely for my own amusement. It will be for the amusement of everyone and to raise money for the HSSAZ.
10. I will not insert myself into bumper to bumper traffic to gawk at colored lights on a tree in Winterhaven. If I should feel the need to see blinking lights I will go into the bathroom and flip the switch till the urge passes.

Boy, I sure hope I can stick to this. How about you? Share what it is that you pledge to not do this holiday season!

Taggers will tag anything, even trees.

When I moved to Tucson eight years ago, I fell in love with the expansiveness of the desert and charm of the city. I thought all the roads were paved smooth and devoid of potholes. I believed there was no poverty and no questionable areas of town. Tucson seemed a utopia of beauty and good will because that’s what I wanted to see. Perhaps it was this newness to my surroundings that also allowed me to overlook the ugly scrawl of tagging and graffiti.  That, and the fact that the incidence of these crimes has increased. Now no matter which direction you turn your head, you are going to see something that has been trashed. Road signs, walls, poles, sidewalks, even cars and motor homes bear the scars of this asinine act. The city of Tucson spends over a million dollars a year, almost 100 thousand dollars a month to cover up the ink. The culprits to thank for much of this senselessness may surprise you. The Gang Investigators Association reports, “Taggers tend to have risk-taking personalities, are in their late teens or early 20s, and tend to come from middle- or upper-income homes. They consider vandalizing public and private property with their art as a form of entertainment.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure the hard working people whose things have been defaced think it is hilarious. While I am all for reading, writing and self expression, this fails to qualify in any category. Tagging is a senseless way of ‘acting up’. It seems from researching the problem that all efforts to date have failed to even put a dent in the activity. I think perhaps it is time that we take more drastic measures to stop these criminals and hold them and/or their parents accountable for the financial devastation they have caused.

Our police department is already stretched thin and working their tails off. We can not continue to look to them to solve this problem, we need to bring in outside help. This idea may strike you as fodder or crazy but why not open up the job to bounty hunters? Bounty hunters are already assisting the criminal justice system by tracking down people that skip out on bail. They are trained and understand the risks involved in taking known felons into custody. It would not be out of their scope to cruise the streets after hours, work their way into the culture and break it down from within. Bounty hunters make a living by being able to out think their prey. Whether or not they would be allowed to make apprehensions or simply alert the cops could be predetermined. But by paying them for each tagger successfully booked into jail at least we would be getting them off the streets. The payout would be tied to actual results, not merely paying after the fact for clean up. And if the subject is a minor, let’s look at holding the parents accountable also. The taxpayers are not the ones that should be paying for this. The cleanup needs to be done by the ones committing the mess in the first place. Everyone I talk to is frustrated to have our lovely city defiled in such a manner. Bounty hunters may not be the answer, but as a community we need to come to some solution because it is all too clear to see that this problem is not going to go away on it’s on.

I love to read, and I love to drive. Lately I have noticed that I can do both at the same time.  This is thanks to the abundance of bumper stickers littering vehicles everywhere. Now I don’t have to just yell out vague obscenities when you are driving like an idiot, I can address you for who you are. ” Hey, watch what you’re doing Mr. NRA, Romney backer, Resurrection Celebration, naked seductive caricatures of she devil and she angel, two boys, a girl and two dogs, Yankee fan, little boy peeing on a Chevy, SB1070 supporter driving a Dodge Ram pickup that cut me off on Broadway and Craycroft, pay attention!”  Ditto to you, ” Lady driving a Toyota Prius with seven cats, (really?), Darwin emblem, Save the Santa Ritas sticker, Obama backer, U of A Alumni; sitting through a green light as you ponder the effects of global warming, drive it or park it!” And by the way people, why don’t you tell us how you really feel?

I’m not sure when it became fashionable to wear your feelings all over your motor vehicle. It must have occurred around the time that wearing your feelings all over your body happened. On both counts I am way behind the trend. I like to maintain some degree of privacy when out and about with complete strangers. Call me old fashioned but I like to maintain a little mystery.  I can learn more about some people at a stop sign than I knew about my best friend two years into the relationship. Politics, religion, morality, vanity, humanitarian, dietary, profession…hell I don’t even need to talk to some of you to know your thoughts. Wouldn’t you rather I got to know you personally before I hated you without ever speaking a word? It has even started affecting my driving sensibilities, especially in heavy traffic. Now I will let you merge if and only if, I agree with your fan affiliation. You Mr. ASU can sit there and think about what you’ve done. And for the poor Cubbie faithful, please go ahead of me, this may be as close as you ever get to feeling like a winner.

Theoretically, it’s hard to even call them ‘bumper stickers’ anymore when they are plastered all over the windshield and trunk. I saw a van the other day with so many stickers I thought it was a hologram. Does no one maintain a modicum of discretion anymore? All you out there sporting cutout forms of you and your kids, I am still waiting for the real rendition of what a family looks like, not those smiley cartoon depictions. I want to see the family I grew up with and love; a pill popping mom, the backside of my dad, me and my brothers being rowdy goofballs and a hyperactive dog trying to get attention. That would be an image to warm my heart.

Dear America,

The far left socialists  commie  liberals have plans for this country unlike any you can imagine. The last four years have been spent laying out the groundwork for the real agenda they have in mind; the gaying of America! What proof do I have? Allow me to state my case. In 2008, there were virtually no gay T.V. programs on the major channels. Four years later and the airwaves are rife with homosexual content. It all started with Modern Family where the implication is that all families these days have a gay in them. This is simply ridiculous. There is not one single homosexual anywhere in my family tree. There are of course a few eccentrics that for one reason or another chose not to marry and decided to spend out their lives with roommates but that doesn’t make them gay! We also have Glee, with frolicking characters flitting about dancing and singing; how lurid. And don’t even get me started on Happy Endings or The New Normal. Whose new normal are they talking about? Yours! Just wait till you get a knock on your door in the middle of the night from one of their recruiters. You know they can’t rise up the ranks without converting people to their side.

But it doesn’t stop with television programming, that is just a distraction from the real threats. Four years ago America was engulfed in two wars and frankly I think we were kicking butt  in them. Then Obama repealed, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’, and shortly thereafter the war in Iraq was over and we are set to be out of Afghanistan by 2014. Coincidence? I think not, frankly I blame DADT for that. What good is it to have a great military and no one to kill with it? Now that gays are encouraged to enlist and flaunt their homo ways, we don’t seem to be able to keep a good war going.

Then the gays cried ‘fowl’ and started boycotting a fine christian restaurant because that restaurant supports anti-gay groups. (http://equalitymatters.org/blog/201103220005). I am outraged that these people don’t want to spend their money at an establishment that is just trying to help them stop being gay.

Most recently, it has come to our attention that the gays have now strengthened to stratospheric proportions. According to the evangelical John McTernan, and others, the gays now have the power to control and manipulate the weather! (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/29/hurricane-sandy-gays-same-sex-marriage-obama-romney_n_2038781.html). Now they can insure that the big gay cruise ships have smooth sailing and football games endure blizzards. Sunny, gay days for the blue states and locusts and famine for the reds.

And the last but most upsetting news I only recently found out about.  I happened to have on good authority that Bill Clinton, darling of the Democratic party, is planning on running for President again in 2016. How, you may wonder, can he do that when he has already served two terms? My inside connection informed me that he is  in the process of gender re-assignment surgery and will run as a Lesbian in 2016! Will this party stop at nothing to put a candidate on the ballot that wants to serve All the people?! Equal rights for minorities and the gays, what has this country come to?! Oh shucks, I gotta go now. My news stations has the daily alert as to who I’m supposed to be hatin and I don’t want to get behind this early in the day.

In Red I trust,

Patriotic Me

PLEASE GO VOTE FOR EQUALITY