Frankly, I won’t even consider going to a church unless they have a really kick ass slogan on their outside sign. It needs to be edgy and preferably a bit scary. Not an outright threat but close enough to make you feel uncomfortable about your immortal soul. Personally, if my church can’t scare the hell out of me, what good is it? The job of any church worth it’s weight in sinners is to convince you that you need them. Or as one church sign put it, “Go to Church or the Devil will Get You!” Pretty effective marketing I’d say.

To me God is like food and the individual religions are merely stores selling their brand of God. You would think there is enough God to go around as a single chunk but for some reason we feel the need to slice God into pieces and then fight over which one is the right one. How appropriate that so many churches hold services on Sunday, the same day the NFL is playing. Maybe John Madden could start a fantasy league where players draft and trade various religious ideologies in a quest for the ultimate prize – human salvation. Of course it would be hard to measure who had won so you’d have to build in a sort of two soul ‘conversion’ as a tie breaker. I think this would really excite the base and make services more interesting.

Let’s face it, competition is tight when it comes to all matters religion. The Mormons have just lowered the age for missionaries in an attempt to flood the market with willing young annoyers. Now you can slam your front door in the face of children whose bikes still have training wheels. I think all religious organizations should make their attendees mount up and take to the streets. We could bring down obesity and bug the crap out of innocent people minding their own business, all at once. The slogan could be,”Will Your Ass fit Through the Gates of Heaven?“. And since the numbers of Baptists has been dropping over the last five years, I think it’s time they start giving out Baptist Bucks based on your tithing totals. They could have a church store where you could turn them in for useful stuff. Call it,” Redemption Starts Here!” Even the church leaders could benefit from a ” how to” department. They could get help on matters of keeping your relationship with a minor hidden from the wife and kids.* And not one to take second fiddle, the Catholics could one up them by auctioning off, “Get out of Hell Free” cards to the highest bidder. Oops, I mean contributor. It’s not like anyone is trying to buy their way into heaven. Right?

It seems that religion is the sort of thing that needs to be force fed to the masses till they can regurgitate it on command. No thank-you, I can’t eat one more bite. For myself and the rest of us choosing to partake in the uncut version of God, you can count on seeing me out worshiping nature instead. And to all you undecideds seeking proof that there is indeed some form of higher power, I offer this: Bristol Palin is no longer on DWTS. Hallelujah, Jesus!

*  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_convicted_religious_leaders 

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