I love to read, and I love to drive. Lately I have noticed that I can do both at the same time.  This is thanks to the abundance of bumper stickers littering vehicles everywhere. Now I don’t have to just yell out vague obscenities when you are driving like an idiot, I can address you for who you are. ” Hey, watch what you’re doing Mr. NRA, Romney backer, Resurrection Celebration, naked seductive caricatures of she devil and she angel, two boys, a girl and two dogs, Yankee fan, little boy peeing on a Chevy, SB1070 supporter driving a Dodge Ram pickup that cut me off on Broadway and Craycroft, pay attention!”  Ditto to you, ” Lady driving a Toyota Prius with seven cats, (really?), Darwin emblem, Save the Santa Ritas sticker, Obama backer, U of A Alumni; sitting through a green light as you ponder the effects of global warming, drive it or park it!” And by the way people, why don’t you tell us how you really feel?

I’m not sure when it became fashionable to wear your feelings all over your motor vehicle. It must have occurred around the time that wearing your feelings all over your body happened. On both counts I am way behind the trend. I like to maintain some degree of privacy when out and about with complete strangers. Call me old fashioned but I like to maintain a little mystery.  I can learn more about some people at a stop sign than I knew about my best friend two years into the relationship. Politics, religion, morality, vanity, humanitarian, dietary, profession…hell I don’t even need to talk to some of you to know your thoughts. Wouldn’t you rather I got to know you personally before I hated you without ever speaking a word? It has even started affecting my driving sensibilities, especially in heavy traffic. Now I will let you merge if and only if, I agree with your fan affiliation. You Mr. ASU can sit there and think about what you’ve done. And for the poor Cubbie faithful, please go ahead of me, this may be as close as you ever get to feeling like a winner.

Theoretically, it’s hard to even call them ‘bumper stickers’ anymore when they are plastered all over the windshield and trunk. I saw a van the other day with so many stickers I thought it was a hologram. Does no one maintain a modicum of discretion anymore? All you out there sporting cutout forms of you and your kids, I am still waiting for the real rendition of what a family looks like, not those smiley cartoon depictions. I want to see the family I grew up with and love; a pill popping mom, the backside of my dad, me and my brothers being rowdy goofballs and a hyperactive dog trying to get attention. That would be an image to warm my heart.

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