Ask Rita

Dear Rita,

I am beginning to wonder if my husband is having an affair or something.  Every few weeks, he will suddenly get quiet and it’s like he just shuts down.  He doesn’t give me a reason. He just says he’s fine and assures me it’s nothing I have done.  When he treats me like this I am so unhappy and stressed out. I lose sleep and it affects my work.  I first thought it might be depression but when my husband is around everyone else, he seems to be outgoing and enjoying himself; loud, laughing and talkative. When I talk to him about it the answer I get is “I’m fine” or he’ll just shout at me to leave him alone.  I love him but I feel like I cannot go on like this. He just has nothing to say to me these days. Any advice on what I can do? Thanks.

Sincerely,

At the end of my rope.

Dear End of Rope,

I saw a poster one time of a kitten with it’s claws in a knot at the end of a rope. The caption was “When you find yourself at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we are not sure we want to hang on or let go and I get a sense that you are at that crossroads now.  I encourage you not to rule out depression just yet, but only a visit to the doctor can provide the proper diagnosis.

My advice to you is don’t give up until you have exhausted all your options. Have you been, or have you suggested, that the two of you get marital counseling? It sounds as if your husband is not fine as he says and that something is definitely bothering him. Has he been under a lot of stress at work , with his family, or finances or other things going on at home? Stress will often cause someone to “shut” down because they are trying to work things out on their own and don’t want to cause their spouse any worry. Counseling can help the two of you learn some communication skills which it sounds like you both need in a big way. If he is unwilling to go with you, then see if he is willing to get individual counseling for awhile first.

Below, I have listed a few of the signs to watch for if you think your spouse is having an affair. However, even though these are all signs of an extramarital affair, they are not always reliable. I know one woman who thought her husband was having an affair and followed him one night to find out that he had been using a friends garage to secretly build her a cabinet for the kitchen as an anniversary present.  Be proactive rather than reactive in a situation like this and get all your facts first. Don’t act out of assumptions and fear.  Seek counseling before jumping to conclusions.

Become suspicious of an affair if:

1. There are significant changes in your partner’s behavior towards you. These changes can be both positive and negative. He may bring you flowers more often, not want to let you see the credit card bills, or he could be having more “private” conversations on the phone with someone.

2. He stops communicating with you. Your conversations about feelings and deeper topics may change to superficial discussions about the weather.

3. Sometimes mutual friends stop seeing you as often or start acting strange when talking to you. When friends have caught on that your spouse is seeing someone else, they may avoid you for fear of “letting something slip.”

4. Your sex life changes.  Either he wants more sex than usual or he stops wanting to have sex with you. He can have a distant attitude when you are having sex because his mind is on someone else.

5. Sudden and unusual “business trips” out of town.

6. Your partner avoids you by running more errands, putting you off when you want to talk, watching more television, or spending more time on the computer.

There are many site on the Internet that can provide more detailed lists and information.

I wish you luck. Keep me posted.

TTFN,

Rita

Dear Rita,

I am the volunteer coordinator for a local charity and my friend is one of the volunteers under me. Normally we have a lot of fun and are really into making  a difference in the lives of the people we help.  Lately, her family life has been getting a little strained and she doesn’t seem to be able to separate it from her work here. She has increasingly become impatient with our clients and other volunteers.  I have told her to take a break for awhile and take care of things at home first.  She refuses to cut back on her time here and says everything is fine when I know it isn’t.  I think she is getting a little burned out and I am concerned about the reputation of our organization if she continues to be snappy and stressed out with our clients.  She has also started gossiping behind other volunteer’s backs.  I have a job to do and have backed away from her quite a bit, but I still see her when she is volunteering.  I am not sure what to do and would welcome your ideas on this.

Concerned Coordinator

Dear Concerned Coordinator,

It is always difficult when working with friends and the fact that she is an unpaid volunteer makes it even harder.  Since you are the coordinator, and essentially her boss, there are a couple of things you can do. First, you could gradually schedule fewer hours for her, or schedule her to work during the slower times based on her availability.  Even though a situation like this is normally the responsibility of the volunteer coordinator, because of this person is a personal friend, I think it would be best to consult with your director about the situation. He or she may want have a talk with your friend and help keep you from being the “bad guy.” This way your friendship can be preserved. When talking with your director, though, be careful not to divulge any information about your friend that may have been told to you in confidence. Instead give the director the information about your friend’s behaviors and attitudes which you believe are detrimental to the reputation of the organization and to the well-being of the clients and other volunteers.  Your friend’s personal life situation is her story to share, not yours.

A third option is to have a meeting with all the volunteers in which you provide a “refresher” workshop on interpersonal communications and attitudes toward the clients and each other. That way your friend is not singled out in any way, and it is a good reminder for everyone to avoid gossip. In your workshop you can also interject some stress management strategies, relaxation techniques, and reminders that they, the volunteers, represent the organization to the public.

TTFN,

Rita

To my readers: Have you ever encountered a “Crabby” clerk in a store? What did you do about it?

Dear Rita,

My husband plays informal, recreational volleyball every week with a group of people at a church.  He likes to play at his best, but is complaining that one of the other team members brings along her middle-aged aunt, who is a miserable player.  When she is on a team with him, they play badly because she is in denial that she cannot play at all.  He is frustrated because the other team members are too polite to tell the aunt not to play, and don’t want to hurt her feelings.  Some team members have offered to teach her how to play better but she refuses their offers. She does not want to listen to any advice and dismisses it by saying that it would not help her.

I am writing to you because my husband is coming home angry after he plays volleyball and we need advice on how to handle the aunt.

“Wife of team player”

Dear Wife of Team Player,

Thank you for writing. Part of the problem in this situation could be too much of a gap between the skill levels of the players on the team.  It would be like a runner partnering up with a power walker. The runner is conditioned to run fast and can get extremely frustrated having to slow down for the power walker. Perhaps your husband, or someone on the team, suggesting that the players break up into beginner, middle and advanced groups, and each skill level play on a different night, would solve the issue.  You could also think about suggesting to the church that they start a volleyball night for seniors ( I am not sure how “middle aged” the aunt is), and ask this woman to organize for them? Another option would be to suggest a women’s volleyball night.

Has anyone spoken to the relative who gives the woman a ride every week? The team should elect a representative to discuss the situation with the niece individually.  The niece should be the one to discuss things with the aunt.  If the team is to find an alternative solution without hurting the aunt’s feelings, the niece or nephew should be included in the discussions and brainstorming.

A third thing to consider is this: Is the volleyball team really a “just-for-fun” team.  If it is just for fun and recreation as you say, then your husband may need to ask what he is learning about himself in this situation.  If he is coming home stressed out and angry because the aunt doesn’t play as well as everyone else, that says to me that it may not be a recreational activity for him and that he takes the game and himself too seriously. Perhaps he needs to learn how to relax and enjoy the game more.  Someone can still play their best regardless of the external situation.  If your husband tends to be more highly competitive than the others, he may want to consider joining a team that is part of a professional city or county league instead.

Communication is paramount to resolving this problem; but be warned, gossip and complaining behind someones back won’t accomplish anything but hard feelings, so talk openly and honestly with the people invovled.

TTFN,

Rita

Dear Rita,

Like most everyone around me, I too am aging and thinking about my mortality.  Is it normal to be afraid of the end of life? Sometimes I feel fairly anxious about it, then other times I feel that I just have to accept it. Maybe it depends on what your religion says (or doesn’t) about Death.  Some people die young and others live way into their 90’s, without any explanation. Some people don’t get lung cancer (even after smoking for decades) and others do.   My question is: how do I better accept the Inevitable?

“Need to let go”

Dear Need To Let Go,

Thank you for writing. I have no doubt that you have asked the question many people want to know but are afraid to ask.  Death is inevitable; it is something none of us can outrun, or avoid.  It is very normal for a person to have feelings of  curiosity, anxiety and fears about death, and the older we get, the more likely the subject comes up. But the personal journey to acceptance of the inevitable is as individual as a fingerprint. There are a variety of motivations behind fears on the subject of death and a person can experience any or all of them. The list below are some of the most common fears I have heard from people when the topic has come up in a conversation:

1. The Process itself: Some people are afraid of how they will die; Will it hurt, will it be a long painful illness or happen suddenly without warning?

2. What Happens After Death: Some people are afraid of what happens after death. They wonder if there is an afterlife or not. This is where your question about religion comes into play. Much depends on what you were taught about death and the beliefs about heaven, hell, purgatory etc.

3. Abandoning their loved ones: Another fear people may experience around the topic of death is the fear of leaving their loved ones behind.

4. Unresolved issues: Some people are afraid of death because they still have unresolved conflicts or issues.

5. Solitude: Some people are terrified of dying alone. I think this is especially true for the widowed elderly who have lost a spouse and are facing the end alone. There is a fear that no one will be at their side as they breathe their last.

Many factors come into play when it comes to attitudes toward death and the fears associated with it.  One important factor is what you were taught about death when you were a child.  Did the topic ever come up? When did you have an awareness of the finality of death? What did the adults around you do when someone died. Did they clam up and not talk about it or were they open with their emotions and discussions about death? What were their beliefs about death and how did they explain it to you, if at all?

I think it’s important, as a person ages, to initiate discussions with someone they trust who can help sort it all out. Sometimes that person is a spouse,a trusted friend or sibling, an adult child, a counselor or support group. For some reason, the topic of death in our western culture is one of those taboo, mysterious topics that everyone thinks about but no one wants to discuss. Many people are in denial and don’t want to talk about it because by talking about it, they acknowledge it will eventually happen.There are also books and other resources that can provide guidance in initiating discussions with loved ones about death.

Whatever you do, don’t hold it all inside. Talk openly and honestly with someone, and write your thoughts out in a journal. That will help to remove the taboo and mystery out of the topic for you and come to a place of  acceptance in your life.  Otherwise you run the risk of letting it become a phobia, where thoughts of death dominate your mind, in which case it is time to seek professional help with a therapist.

There is a fine line between wanting to think about it realistically and discuss it with others and being in total denial about it.  I strongly encourage you to acknowledge and learn to accept that death will come,  but don’t spend a lot of time worrying about it. Instead, think about how you live your best life now. To worry about the future robs you of the present moment, and really, isn’t that all any of us have?

I wish you well on your journey of life.

TTFN,

Rita

To my readers: What is the most interesting tombstone epitaph you’ve ever heard about or read?

Dear Rita,

My husband works evening shift from 3:00 p.m. until 11:00 p.m. As soon as he gets home he turns on the  video games and plays until 6 in the morning, then goes to bed and stays there until an hour before he has to leave for work. We have two children, both under age three. From the time I get up in the morning with the children, my husband wakes up at the slightest noise and complains about the kids being too loud and that he can’t sleep. We live in a small two bedroom cottage with no yard.  I try to keep the children as far away as I can from the bedroom in order to accommodate him, but he still complains about the noise.  His solution is to tell me to shut our son and daughter in their room until he wakes up in the afternoon but I refuse to do it.

If  he wanted to, he could switch to a day shift (7-3) but chooses not to.  I cry a lot when the children are taking their naps which makes my husband angry because he can hear me and it wakes him up.  He doesn’t seem to listen to reason and sees no reason why he should switch to the day shift.  What are your thoughts on this?

All Cried Out

Dear All Cried Out

Thank you for writing.  It sounds as if your husband either has some problems with emotional intimacy or has never left his adolescence behind. It is important to understand that sometimes people have to unwind a little after they get off work,  but by choosing to stay up all night, and sleeping all day long, it appears as if  your husband is choosing to emotionally check out. Have you asked him why he feels the need to stay up all night?  Perhaps he is experiencing insomnia, in which case there are ways to help induce sleep such as meditation or drinking sleepy time tea.  Sometimes a husband or wife will emotionally abandon their family by withdrawing emotional support, or when one spouse won’t carry on a conversation and disengages from the tasks involved in keeping a family in tact. If this has happened in your situation then there is a major problem.

The tell-tale signs of emotional abandonment are:

1. Denial:  The way they see it, there isn’t a problem and if there is it’s the other person’s fault.

2. Lack of attention during conversation or one partner has a one-way conversation: One partner just does not listen to the other. Or one partner talks without receiving acknowledgement or feed back from the other.

3. Egocentric attitude: The emotional abandon-er is self centered, may have a lack of empathy or inability to see or hear the other person’s pain.

4. Married singles: The couple stop doing things as a couple. They may have different schedules for eating and going to bed. It seems as if they are two single people living under the same roof.

Understand first that it takes two to make a marriage but this situation is not all your fault. Do you take time for yourself? Do you have relatives that could take the children one morning a week so you can go out for coffee with a friend? I am not suggesting that you leave the house everyday to accommodate your husband’s all day sleeping habit. It is not uncommon, especially when the children are toddlers, for a mother to feel overwhelmed and trapped at home, or guilty for wanting to take time away from the children. By taking a weekly “mental health day” for yourself you can have adult conversation, refresh your energy and feel better able to take care of the children and things at home.

If you are wanting to make things work with your husband, the first thing I suggest is to ask him for a date. Get a babysitter and the two of you go out to lunch before he goes to work, or wait until his day off and go to dinner and a movie in the evening. Perhaps with a goal like a date, he may want to get to bed earlier so he can wake up for your date. You may find that getting out of the house together, away from children once in awhile, provides the opportunity to focus on each other without interruption.

Another idea is for each of you to write a gratitude letter about the other then read them out loud to each other. Focusing on the positive qualities in each other, instead of the negative, can help build the relationship up instead of tear it down. Do this once or twice a month; every week would be even better.

Also try suggesting to him that you both get into individual and  marriage counseling.  If he is unwilling to work on his issues or the problems in your marriage, then get a friend or relative to watch the children for a couple of hours a week while you get counseling by yourself.   No one should put up with being treated the way he is treating you, and a counselor can teach you assertiveness and communication techniques to clearly communicate your needs and boundaries with your husband.

My heart goes out to you.  Please keep me posted.

TTFN,

Rita

Dear Rita,

Renewal of Vows Ceremony Is Nice Way To Exchange New Rings

Ten years ago, my husband and I eloped and couldn’t afford to buy wedding rings. My husband has worked his way up and we are financially stable enough that we bought a beautiful diamond ring set for our tenth anniversary coming up this year! We would like to exchange them in a meaningful, but not cheesy, way but don’t really know where to start. Any thoughts?

Ten Years Together

Dear Ten Years,

Congratulations on ten years together. The rings are such a wonderful gift to give yourselves.  I have known several couples who have had re-commitment or renewal of vows ceremonies on an anniversary day.  A re-commitment or renewal of vows ceremony can be planned as big as a formal wedding, if that is your style, but it sounds like you are the “keep it short and simple” type of people.  So I suggest you find a scenic viewpoint, or someone with a nice backyard and invite a few friends and have a renewal of vows ceremony in which you include the exchanging of your new rings.  Renewing vows can help rekindle the flame and is always a good reminder of your commitment to each other and the love you have shared all these years. An added bonus would be if you both could take an extra day or two off work and take a short second honeymoon somewhere.

Thanks for brightening my day with your letter.

TTFN,

Rita

Have you ever had a renewal of vows ceremony?

Which anniversary was it?

Dear Rita,

I’m a 16 year old girl who weighs 140 and I’m 5 foot 3 inches in height.  I work our everyday. I do 30 min to 1 hour of cardio everyday and about 30 min on light weight lifting.  I am eating really healthy foods that add up to about 1,500 calories a day more or less depending on my mood. I have been doing this for about a month now and I haven’t lost any weight, not even a pound. What am I doing wrong? It is starting to make me mad that I’m trying so hard and getting nowhere.  Please give me some help!

Thanks

Hoping to get a date for the prom

Dear Hoping,
This is a great question and one that many people ask when starting an exercise program. As you exercise, you are working on building up muscle and using up the fat stores. Muscle weighs more than fat so sometimes your numbers won’t be going down. It’s better to take your measurements once a month and pay attention to the shape of your body rather than the numbers on a scale.  Focusing on the scale can cause nothing but frustration. There are a lot of good books out there that can help you understand the metabolic processes that are in play with exercise.  If you don’t really want to read a book, then just keep on eating healthy and exercising and watch your shape morph. It is possible that for your height and current weight, even though you are eating healthier foods, the calorie intake is still higher than it should be. That is something your doctor or a school nurse might be able to help you determine. It’s also important to keep up with the weight training along with the aerobics.

You are at an age where your body is still developing and growing and I know it’s hard not to compare yourself with other girls.  I am not saying don’t try to get in shape, but to look at your motivations for doing it. If your motivation is to do this because you want to be and feel healthier, then you are on the right track.

Whatever you do, don’t be impatient.  It took you a while to get up to the weight you are, it will take time to come off as well.  Doing it slowly is the best approach. You are definitely on the right track with eating healthier foods.  The “quick fix” diets, may take it off in a hurry but when you do that, you are sending your body the signal that it is starving so when you return to your regular eating habits, you will gain back what you lost plus a few more because your body thinks it has to store up for the next famine. The best approach is to think of  the healthy eating habits as a permanent lifestyle change along with the regular  exercise routines you are establishing. It takes 21 days to form a new habit.  Ask your mother to get you to a doctor who can monitor your progress and offer further information, discuss things with a school counselor, or talk with a personal trainer at the gym where you work out.  Another idea is to join the school track team or at least talk to the coach who may give you some guidance and support in your lifestyle changes.   Stick with it and you will be the belle of the ball at the prom.

Best of luck to you!

TTFN

How about you readers?  Have you changed eating and exercise habits?

What was your biggest challenges?

Who or what was your support through the changes?

Dear Rita,

My husband lost his job about 8 months ago and we moved to Tucson because I had an employment opportunity. I am working but he refuses to find work.  He says there is no such thing as real work in Tucson and it is hopeless to even look for work.  We need the money really bad and have lost our car, and are deep in debt, but he refuses to look for work here. We get food boxes and have no money for anything other than rent and utilities.  He refused to get unemployment or food stamps. He sits around all day and gets mad because I am working and I am tired by the end of the day. I have  talked to him saying any job would be okay, even if it is minimum wage and part time, but he says all those jobs are taken. I know they are not and now I have to get a part time job on top of this job because he won’t work. When I tell him he has to or we will lose everything, he says maybe that is what is supposed to happen.  I love him very much and just don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Deadbeat husbands wife

Dear Deadbeat Husband’s Wife,

Thank you for writing.  The job situation in Tucson is pretty bleak but not hopeless.  If  your husband is over age 50, AARP and the Pima Council On Aging have employment programs for jobless people.  There are criteria you have to meet in order to qualify but it would be worth looking into. There are also several temp agencies in Tucson. You can also check with Pima Community College to see if there are any “back to work” programs.  Your husband could also talk to a career counselor or academic advisor to see what kind of re-training programs are available.  Even if he is under age 50, the career counseling centers at most colleges and universities have great resources for assessing new career choices and opportunities. There is also a great book called “What Color Is Your Parachute?” that provides suggestions and self evaluations to help a person considering changing careers.

All of the ideas I suggested above are fine and great IF your husband will follow through and make a commitment to look into it.  But the job situation is only superficial.  It is important to look at what might be going on behind his lack of motivation.  It could be something as simple as a bruised ego and an unwillingness to compromise and take a lower paying job. Or it could be something more serious.  I suggest you consider that the stress of losing his job, compounded with moving to a new city, may have triggered grief and/or depression.   Visit or call a counseling center to get literature on depression and grief.  Educating yourself first will help you figure out the best way to get help for your husband. Contacting the Southern Arizona Mental Health Center is a good place to start.  Their phone number is 520-622-6000.  They provide a wide range information and services.

Depression is more common than people realize and each person experiences it a little differently from mild depression to severe. I have provided this list of symptoms of depression from the  Mayo Clinic website.  If you or someone you know is experiencing any of these, contact a professional for guidance in getting help for yourself or your loved one.  If someone you know is severely depressed and talking about taking their own life, get help immediately by calling the suicide hotline at 1-800-784-2433.

* Loss of interest in normal daily activities
* Feeling sad or down
* Feeling hopeless
* Crying spells for no apparent reason
* Problems sleeping
* Trouble focusing or concentrating
* Difficulty making decisions
* Unintentional weight gain or loss
* Irritability
* Restlessness
* Being easily annoyed
* Feeling fatigued or weak
* Feeling worthless
* Loss of interest in sex
* Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
* Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

TTFN

If it were your spouse out of work, what would you do?

Have you ever been out of work and for how long?

How did your life change and what effects did your unemployment have on your relationships?

Dear Rita,

I’ve been married a number of years and I need your advice as my spouse drinks too much at parties.  I go along to make sure he doesn’t drive drunk, so that’s not the problem.  It’s just that I dislike the behavior when he does drink too much — the slurred speech, sleepiness, giddiness– me having to repeat things over & over to him as he can’t concentrate.

I grew up in a non-drinking home and only drink a little alcohol, so this is tough on me. Of course I’ve talked to him about it, but he has stopped listening to me. Or he says he’ll stop at 2 drinks, but he rarely does, and it gets embarrassing for me as well.  We don’t keep much alcohol in the house, so this behavior doesn’t happen at home.

Do I enable him by going to the parties and being the DD (designated driver)?  One of my friends told me “no big deal, he’s a happy drunk –so I should just ignore it.”

“Non-drinker”

Dear Non-Drinker,

Thank you so much for writing.  There is one key item of information missing. You don’t tell me how often this happens. I will address your question as if the weekend parties are a regular occurrence and not just twice a year. There is a fine line between being the designated driver and enabling someone who may have a drinking problem. If the parties and his drinking are a regular two to three times a month occurrence then yes, it may be enabling. If you did not go to these weekend parties with him, would your husband go without you? If the answer is yes, then consider that even though your spouse does not drink at home, he may be what they call a binge drinker. Drastic changes in behavior when a person is drinking, and the loss of control, where one cannot stop drinking once they start, can be a signs of a much more serious problem. I encourage you to talk to a counselor and begin seeking more information.  To learn more about co-dependence and enabling you might try contacting the Tucson Al-Anon Information Service Center  at 520-323-2229 or go to the Tucson Al Anon website.  Al Anon can provide a supportive environment, literature, and information to help you and family members decide if it is a more serious problem. The most important considerations here are how often does it happen and what are his drinking patterns.

Best of luck to you.

What do you think? Is she enabling her husband by going with him to the parties?

What advice would you give a friend in this situation?

Dear Rita,

My sister and her family are so rude and I don’t know what to do about it. They all have cell phones but completely ignore messages and sometimes don’t even answer the phone. I have been with her when she gets a call, looks to see who it is, and then turns it off and ignores it. I could understand doing this if we are in a restaurant or something but we were sitting under a tree at the city park when she did this.  I have been on the other end of things where she hasn’t returned my calls and one time it was when my mother had a heart attack and we were trying to get in touch with her to let her know. Finally, my husband drove twenty miles to their house to tell them in person. What are your thoughts on people like this? I keep wondering why they have cell phones in the first place if they are not going to answer calls.

Feeling Ignored

Dear Feeling Ignored,

Thank you for writing.  Some people feel that technology is a nuisance and only use it when absolutely necessary. Others are the opposite, constantly on the phone or the computer and you practically have to shut off the electricity to get their attention.  I agree with you that it is rude not to acknowledge a message, return a phone call or check messages. Eventually people like that will find themselves without friends or phone calls at all and then wonder why. Something else to consider is that people living in outlying rural areas may have trouble getting a cell phone signal and not even know a person is calling.  Other people have phones only to be used in emergencies, like flat tires or a child needing a ride home from a sports activity.

Have you discussed your feelings with your sister or her family?  Be honest with her without being accusatory. Explain how you feel when your calls are not returned and ask what her phone answering criteria are.  Ask her what her feelings are and why she doesn’t answer or return calls. Also ask her how she prefers to receive communication from you. Being clear and up front in conversation is so important in instances like this.  People who go on guessing reasons and making assumptions usually end up with arguments and broken relationships.

It may just be that your sister and her family are rude people and don’t take other people’s feelings into account.  In that case, just love her anyway (not the behavior) and use email instead to communicate with her.  Remember you can’t change other people.  It’s like the old joke, how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:  Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Thanks for writing,

TTFN