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Herman Cain: Five-Senses Socialist?

by on Sep. 28, 2011, under Play on Words

PLAY ON, WORDS

This week’s satire collection of quips, quibbles and the general “lexicution” of the English language

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Sarah Palin recently described Herman Cain as the “flavor of the week,” prompting the GOP Presidential candidate and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to respond:

VIA HUFFINGTON POST:

“Cain acknowledged that he may be the “flavor of the month,” but said voters will find “more to that flavor than meets the eye.””

Michele Bachmann quickly jumped on Cain, claiming his platform of being able to see AND taste flavors was nothing more than “Socialism of the body’s five senses.”

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GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain. Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images

The guy who cuts my yard is blaming a Big Horn Sheep for the patch of dead grass out back. I say he’s using a landscape goat.

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My daily two-mile walk to get pastries is no cakewalk.

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A: Victoria’s Secretariat
Q: Name a failed underwear shop for horses.

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“Hi, I’m Katie…I mean Kendra.”

- Woman outside The Buff Restaurant in Boulder,Colo.

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“Inside the mind of Ted Kaczynski: What made the Unabomber tick.” #FailedBookTitles

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I brought sexy back. All I got for it was store credit.

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If Eldrick Woods was named after a bobcat, instead of a tiger, you could say he’s “hitting the lynx.”

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Companies such as Campbell’s are being forced to reduce the amount of sodium in canned soup by up to 20 percent in the next two years. The government hasn’t meddled this far into a food industry since banning Nabisco from making quadruple-stuft Oreos in the late 90s.

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Baron Von Wifflesnout (AKA Christopher C. Wuensch) and Lady Von Wifflesnout at a recent gala. Photo by Dana Wuensch

Scientists have debunked a long-held theory that a Baptistina-family asteroid caused the mass-extinction of dinosaurs. NASA has returned to its previous theory that bad blood between Stegosauruses and Triceratops escalated into all out nuclear war.

NOTE: I went the Stegosaurus route with this one, opting not to blame another religious asteroid belt, rather the Baptist one.

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Little Known Fact: The Human Papillomavirus can lead to cervical cancer in women and has been known to cause men to run from bulls in the streets of Spain.

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A Yahoo! story is reporting that New York Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera, the highest-paid pitcher ever, earns roughly $15,000 per pitch.

That means, all Mo has to do is walk in a run on16 straight pitches, then hit a batter, to qualify under Barack Obama’s new “tax-the-rich” plan, which would tax anyone making more than $250,000 annually.

Or, simplified…strike out six batters.

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You could say the guy who created EyeFloatersCure.org is a visionary.

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NFL Players Whose Names Don’t Intimidate:

Guy Whimper, Jacksonville Jaguars

Brandon Flowers, Kansas City Chiefs

John Chick, Jacksonville Jaguars

Pierre Garcon, Indianapolis Colts

Rex Hadnot, Arizona Cardinals

Tyler Clutts, Chicago Bears

DeMarcus Love, Minnesota Vikings

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Intimidating NFL Names:

Pat Angerer, Indianapolis Colts

Danny Gorrer, Baltimore Ravens

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 28th, 2011 at 12:40 pm and is filed under Play on Words. Tags for this post: , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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  • Mark B. Evans

    Point of order, Mr. Von Wifflesnout, as to the photo credit, I believe that is Mrs. Von Wifflesnout’s arm extended in the classic digital self portrait cutoff arm pose. Perhaps she is the proper person to credit the photo to? (It doesn’t matter if it’s your camera – see: Monkey takes self portrait)

    Also, if Rivera threw 16 straight balls to qualify for the new Obama “Rich People Suck” tax, wouldn’t he have walked in four runs rather than “a” run? And, checking your math, wouldn’t he actually need to throw another ball to a fifth batter, seeing how 16 x $15,000 is $240,000?

    You always did need an editor.

    • Mark B. Evans

      And you really, really need to grow a handlebar moustache. It’s exactly what your “everyman” face needs.

      • Christopher C. Wuensch

        Oh man, the second I saw that picture, I knew I was destined for a handlebar. Next step is trying to grow facial hair…any kind facial hair.

    • Mark B. Evans

      Oops. Looks like I need an editor. He would only walk in “a” run if he threw 16 straight balls, assuming he started with the bases empty. I suck.

  • Christopher C. Wuensch

    That should have read: “Photo courtesy of the estate of Baron Von Wifflesnout.”

  • RH

    Herman Caine president? Well his delusion of grandeur that 33% or 50% of the black vote would go to him, might impress his ego, bolster his self esteem but reality is most black folks see him as nothing but a old uncle tom character out of the classic southern novel!:-) The GOP traditionally at best has in their best years never got more than 9% of the African American vote, now they lost the 40% edge they held in the Hispanic vote due to catering to them dixiecrats they adopted in the 1960′s who have taken over the GOP, they call themselves today “tea partier’s” but when one looks at t he sea of white faces with a non-white one in rare specks like a touch of pepper in ones meal, it takes no rocket scientist genius to figure the best Herman Caine can hope for is whom ever the “white GOP savior is” he/she will let maybe let him deliver some pizza to the white house!

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