Herman Cain: Five-Senses Socialist?by Christopher C. Wuensch on Sep. 28, 2011, under Play on Words
PLAY ON, WORDS
This week’s satire collection of quips, quibbles and the general “lexicution” of the English language
Sarah Palin recently described Herman Cain as the “flavor of the week,” prompting the GOP Presidential candidate and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to respond:
“Cain acknowledged that he may be the “flavor of the month,” but said voters will find “more to that flavor than meets the eye.””
Michele Bachmann quickly jumped on Cain, claiming his platform of being able to see AND taste flavors was nothing more than “Socialism of the body’s five senses.”
The guy who cuts my yard is blaming a Big Horn Sheep for the patch of dead grass out back. I say he’s using a landscape goat.
My daily two-mile walk to get pastries is no cakewalk.
A: Victoria’s Secretariat
Q: Name a failed underwear shop for horses.
“Hi, I’m Katie…I mean Kendra.”
- Woman outside The Buff Restaurant in Boulder,Colo.
“Inside the mind of Ted Kaczynski: What made the Unabomber tick.” #FailedBookTitles
I brought sexy back. All I got for it was store credit.
If Eldrick Woods was named after a bobcat, instead of a tiger, you could say he’s “hitting the lynx.”
Companies such as Campbell’s are being forced to reduce the amount of sodium in canned soup by up to 20 percent in the next two years. The government hasn’t meddled this far into a food industry since banning Nabisco from making quadruple-stuft Oreos in the late 90s.
Scientists have debunked a long-held theory that a Baptistina-family asteroid caused the mass-extinction of dinosaurs. NASA has returned to its previous theory that bad blood between Stegosauruses and Triceratops escalated into all out nuclear war.
NOTE: I went the Stegosaurus route with this one, opting not to blame another religious asteroid belt, rather the Baptist one.
Little Known Fact: The Human Papillomavirus can lead to cervical cancer in women and has been known to cause men to run from bulls in the streets of Spain.
A Yahoo! story is reporting that New York Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera, the highest-paid pitcher ever, earns roughly $15,000 per pitch.
That means, all Mo has to do is walk in a run on16 straight pitches, then hit a batter, to qualify under Barack Obama’s new “tax-the-rich” plan, which would tax anyone making more than $250,000 annually.
Or, simplified…strike out six batters.
You could say the guy who created EyeFloatersCure.org is a visionary.
NFL Players Whose Names Don’t Intimidate:
Guy Whimper, Jacksonville Jaguars
Brandon Flowers, Kansas City Chiefs
John Chick, Jacksonville Jaguars
Pierre Garcon, Indianapolis Colts
Rex Hadnot, Arizona Cardinals
Tyler Clutts, Chicago Bears
DeMarcus Love, Minnesota Vikings
Intimidating NFL Names:
Pat Angerer, Indianapolis Colts
Danny Gorrer, Baltimore Ravens