NEW YORK JETS vs. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

As told by the Snarky Palooka

 Tom Brady’s hair grows, so, too, does the New England Patriots lead in the AFC East with 45-3 win over the New York Jets.

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Brad Smith (16) gets a stiff arm on Sergio Brown on this play, but it was the Pats who pushed around New York Monday night, winnng 45-3. David Butler II-US PRESSWIRE

Remember the days when Monday Night Football actually kicked-off at 8 p.m. and not 8:40?

I believe the rule is: five extra minutes for each additional talking head that ESPN adds to its pre-game panel.

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10:57, 1Q – Shayne Graham (NE) 41-yard FG

NE 3, NYJ 0

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What is that emblem on the turf of Gillette Stadium? Is that a tee pee? Is that homage to all the Indians the “Patriots” infected with small pox?

Is it a peace pipe?

I’m told it’s the bridge and light tower that stand guard over the stadium itself.

Isn’t that kind of vain…like staring in the mirror for hours admiring your long, flowing brown hair?

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4:02, 1Q – BenJarvus Green-Ellis (NE) 1-yard TD run (kick good)

NE 10, NYJ 0

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It’s only fitting that the Jets have a player named DeVito. I like to think that defensive end Mike DeVito earned his way onto the Jets after struggling to make it to the NFL, during which time he supplemented his income by driving a NYC taxi cab.

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What’s the matter? Pat’s head coach Bill Bellichick couldn’t find scissors strong enough to cut the sleeves off that parka?

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1:01, 1Q – Tom Brady to Deion Branch (NE) 25-yard TD pass (kick good)

NE 17, NYJ 0

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New York’s slow start in the 17-degree weather is not the Jets’ fault. We’ve all been on that plane that gets delayed because it takes forever to de-ice the wings.

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12:14, 2Q – Nick Folk (NYJ) 39-yard FG

NE 17, NYJ 3

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Who assumes the last name in the wedding of ESPN color commentator John Gruden and New England quarterback Tom Brady? At least they’re already in Massachusetts.

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Speaking of surnames? Green or Ellis? Which one is BenJarvus’ maiden name?

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STRANDED AT SECOND BASE

“Culling the thoughts that occur when you’re standing around waiting for something to happen”

Image is everything, right?

Andre Agassi overtly exercised us with that mantra while subliminally tantalizing us with an enviable mullet-toupee.

Ask Michael Vick or Tiger Woods the importance of image in this golden era of sports, where the line between gold medal and Golden Globe Award is as blurred as ever.

First came LeBron James' new Nike commercial this week in an effort to repair his public image. Now King James has launched a new personal website. David Butler II-US PRESSWIRE

Or visit the freshly-launched www.lebronjames.com — the most recent phase of LeBron James’ re-branding effort. The one necessary after a destructive summer for his once wholesome image.

Up until now, we didn’t have a credible resource to find pictures of James (2008 Gold Medal) canoodling with Charlize Theron (2004 Golden Globe for “Monster”).

Or get a chance to meet and get recipes from Brandon Taylor, LeBron’s personal chef.

P.S. LeBron loves lasagna.

LeBronJames.com, however, is not all vanity and a difficult horizontal scroll bar.

There’s plenty of shouting out to his admirable charity work with underprivileged kids.

The site is simple, yet hip — and definitely self-centered. It’s the typical professional athlete website.

What does an athlete truly need a website for? A “.com” never won anyone an NBA title. A Twitter account can’t wear a championship ring.

Rings. That’s what LeBron’s maligned move to Miami was all about, right? That’s his new supposed mantra.

Or as LeBron so eloquently Tweeted recently and re-posted on his website’s fashion page (that’s correct, his website has a fashion section):

“U are what u wear”

ATHLETES AND THEIR UNIQUE WEBSITES:

www.PeteRose.com/

Premise: I want back in baseball…please buy something.

www.AndreAgassi.com

Premise: I will enlighten you…please buy my book

www.JoseCanseco.com

Premise: Domain expired in September and is available. Quite possibly the product of someone who couldn’t pay their bills.

Also available: www.sammysosa.com and www.markmcgwire.com.

Perhaps the public has spoken.

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Kinsler Takes Road to Dorado

October is traditionally a month reserved for football at Tucson Canyon Del Oro High School, home of the defending Class 4A-1 state champs.

If you ask the esteemed alumni of the Dorado’s baseball program, however, they might say otherwise.

When Ian Kinsler took the field on Wednesday night for Game One of the 2010 World Series, the Texas Ranger second baseman became the fourth CDO grad in six years to potentially earn a Fall Classic ring.

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“Culling the thoughts that occur when you’re standing around waiting for something to happen”

Thank the good lord for the genius who invented the little black bar.

That thin veil — the last line of defense between a naked body and a cold, shiver down the spine.

Fans of Brett Favre are seeing a lot more of the Minnesota Viking quarterback these days. Bruce Kluckholn - USPRESSWIRE

If there’s one thing many athletes lack, it’s shame. From Vlad Guerrero strutting nude in the Texas Ranger locker room to the high school wrestler who dons his brand new singlet on the first day of practice by dropping trou in the middle of the team’s wrestling room without hesitation or regard for the horrified sports reporter standing within eyeshot.

The Internet doesn’t have much use for black bars as athletes are innovating ways to take the nudity outside of the locker room.

Photos of Brett Favre — and allegedly of little Brett — are the latest to surface on the Internet.

The Minnesota Viking quarterback allegedly sent camera-phone pictures of his, for a lack of a funnier term, “junk” to then New York Jets Game Day host Jenn Sterger.

Here’s hoping the Vikes don’t call for any naked bootlegs on Monday night when they take on the Jets.

Some recent athletes that have gone ‘commando:’

*    If Tyler Thomas is in a beaver uniform this weekend, it won’t be of the Oregon State variety when OSU takes on the University of Arizona on the gridiron.

The offensive lineman was booted from the team in August after he was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespassing, criminal mischief and resisting arrest.

What? A guy can’t break into someone’s home with a liver soaked in booze and no clothes? Police allegedly took the belligerent Thomas down with tasers. They say the smell of burnt brisket still haunts that house.

*    Greg Cullen has found his clothes and a new job as defensive line coach for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Cullen, you may recall, was arrested after driving through a Wendy’s drive through in his birthday suit while coaching for the Detroit Lions. It’s a good thing for Cullen that in Jacksonville, he’s not very far from Paradise Valley Resort, a noted nudist hotspot in Northeast Georgia.

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