PLAY ON, WORDS

This week’s satire collection of quips, quibbles and the general “lexicution” of the English language

President Obama pardons "Courage," a 45-pound turkey during an annual White House tradition that dates back to the Truman administration. Alex Wong/Getty Images

Rumor has it, they’ve requested pizza for their last meal.

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In a move being panned by the GOP as “socialist,” President Obama today pardoned a turkey as well as a bowl of mash potatoes, a yam, some stuffing, cranberries, a green bean casserole and a mince-meat pie.

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Nothing sucks worse than a broken vacuum.

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Went fishing today and caught a vermilion rockfish. My fishing guide said the odds of me catching a salt-water fish here in Colorado were one-in-vermilion.

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Life Tip: You shouldn’t throw out your old, beat up 10-speed. Instead, you should recycle it.

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Today is a sad day. My Papua New Guinea little person friend is depressed and in need of a Pygmy up.

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 - COP: “How do we know who are World- Series-celebrating Cardinals fans and who are Occupy St. Louis protestors?”

- POLICE CHIEF: “Who cares, pepper spray them all.”

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Adding butane to a lighter does not make it a heavier.

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Looks like it’s whiskey and elbow pasta for dinner again tonight. Or as I called it: Jack ‘N Cheese.

(Yes, I’m aware that, technically, that would be considered Mac N’ Jack)

FOOTBALL

I think if UC Berkeley ever gets an Italian quarterback, the Golden Bears should rename the end zones of California Memorial Stadium: Calzones.

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The New England Patriots’ defense is holier than the screen doors in the Vatican.

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Is it safe to say that Ralph Wilson, owner of Buffalo’s NFL franchise, has the skills to pay the Bills?

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Little Known Fact: Despite being regarded as the smartest player of his era, Pele detested the nickname “Soccerates.”

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Little Known Fact: Sitting in the upper deck at a Denver Broncos game, you’re actually sitting Two Miles High.

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I can no longer watch New York Jets games with my daughter. I’m tired of her telling me that “damn it” is a bad word.