PLAY ON, WORDS

This week’s satire collection of quips, quibbles and the general “lexicution” of the English language

If Herman Cain is elected President, will we as a nation be considered “Hermericains?”

GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain, speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Sept. 23, 2011 in Orlando, Fla. Mark Wilson/Getty Images

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A: Ellipsis S. Grant
Q: Can you name the Union Army’s only three-dot general?

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Are the homeless people in Crum,W. Va., known as Crum-bums?

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Had a bathroom drawer break apart this morning. I guess it reached the end of its shelf life.

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Got a letter in the mail today from my bank confirming my transition to paperless banking.

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A: Cantaloupe
Q: What do you call two melons that are prohibited from running away to get married?

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Iowa couple of 72 years has passed away an hour apart with her hand in his. In 15 years, you’ll hear a similiar story of the passing of my wife and I…with her hands wrapped firmly around my neck.

Letting the oregano get behind the wheel. Everyone knows ground nutmeg will get you there on thyme. Click the picture to visit "Today, I Stopped My Baby From..."

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When Harold Camping says that tomorrow is the Apocalypse and you should get your affairs in order, he’s not talking about your mistresses — you sinner!

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SHAMELESS FACEBOOK PAGE PLUG: “TODAY, I STOPPED MY BABY FROM…”  —->

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I think if Herman Cain wins the GOP nomination, he should select NJ Senator Diane Allen as his running mate. That way, the GOP can follow up 2008′s McCain-Palin ticket with 2012′s Cain-Allen.

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MLB will institute a new immigration policy beginning with the 2012 season entitled “Don’t Ask, (Octavio) Dotel.”

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Got a spam email today from a company that makes fake college degrees, and, presumably, real college degrees for Arizona State grads.

PLAY ON, WORDS

This week’s satire collection of quips, quibbles and the general “lexicution” of the English language

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Sarah Palin recently described Herman Cain as the “flavor of the week,” prompting the GOP Presidential candidate and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to respond:

“Cain acknowledged that he may be the “flavor of the month,” but said voters will find “more to that flavor than meets the eye.””

Michele Bachmann quickly jumped on Cain, claiming his platform of being able to see AND taste flavors was nothing more than “Socialism of the body’s five senses.”

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GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain. Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images

The guy who cuts my yard is blaming a Big Horn Sheep for the patch of dead grass out back. I say he’s using a landscape goat.

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My daily two-mile walk to get pastries is no cakewalk.

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A: Victoria’s Secretariat
Q: Name a failed underwear shop for horses.

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“Hi, I’m Katie…I mean Kendra.”

- Woman outside The Buff Restaurant in Boulder,Colo.

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“Inside the mind of Ted Kaczynski: What made the Unabomber tick.” #FailedBookTitles

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I brought sexy back. All I got for it was store credit.

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If Eldrick Woods was named after a bobcat, instead of a tiger, you could say he’s “hitting the lynx.”

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Companies such as Campbell’s are being forced to reduce the amount of sodium in canned soup by up to 20 percent in the next two years. The government hasn’t meddled this far into a food industry since banning Nabisco from making quadruple-stuft Oreos in the late 90s.

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Baron Von Wifflesnout (AKA Christopher C. Wuensch) and Lady Von Wifflesnout at a recent gala. Photo by Dana Wuensch

Scientists have debunked a long-held theory that a Baptistina-family asteroid caused the mass-extinction of dinosaurs. NASA has returned to its previous theory that bad blood between Stegosauruses and Triceratops escalated into all out nuclear war.

NOTE: I went the Stegosaurus route with this one, opting not to blame another religious asteroid belt, rather the Baptist one.

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Little Known Fact: The Human Papillomavirus can lead to cervical cancer in women and has been known to cause men to run from bulls in the streets of Spain.

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A Yahoo! story is reporting that New York Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera, the highest-paid pitcher ever, earns roughly $15,000 per pitch.

That means, all Mo has to do is walk in a run on16 straight pitches, then hit a batter, to qualify under Barack Obama’s new “tax-the-rich” plan, which would tax anyone making more than $250,000 annually.

Or, simplified…strike out six batters.

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You could say the guy who created EyeFloatersCure.org is a visionary.

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NFL Players Whose Names Don’t Intimidate:

Guy Whimper, Jacksonville Jaguars

Brandon Flowers, Kansas City Chiefs

John Chick, Jacksonville Jaguars

Pierre Garcon, Indianapolis Colts

Rex Hadnot, Arizona Cardinals

Tyler Clutts, Chicago Bears

DeMarcus Love, Minnesota Vikings

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Intimidating NFL Names:

Pat Angerer, Indianapolis Colts

Danny Gorrer, Baltimore Ravens