STRANDED AT SECOND BASE
“Culling the thoughts that occur when you’re standing around waiting for something to happen”
Anna Kournikova walks into a room with Manny Pacquiao as her personal body guard and, immediately, Tiger Woods’ ears perk up and Brett Favre retrieves his cell phone from LeBron James, who’d borrowed it to call a press conference about what he ate for lunch.
And they said I couldn’t get 2010’s top five most-searched athletes into one satirical sentence.
So, what do the top-five searched athletes (according to CNBC’s Darren Rovell) tell us about our Internet lusts?
No. 1 Pacquiao: The best fighter of his era, quenches our thirst for blood.
No. 2 Woods: Satiates our morbid desire to see just how fast the elevator of fame can plummet from penthouse to basement.
No. 3 Kournikova: Satisfies our lust for lust. How else does a tennis player who topped out at No. 8 in the world (in 1999!) remain Google relevant?
No. 4 Favre: Satisfies our lust for watching who and how others lust for.
No. 5 LeBron: Feeds our hunger to spread vitriol via a common enemy.
A 2009 Wall Street Journal story says that a mere 26 of roughly 1,200 MLB players have earned a four-year college degree.
Here’s guessing Baltimore’s Luke Scott is not one of those with a diploma hanging on his wall — especially considering that he only played two years at Oklahoma State.
The Oriole outfielder made news this week claiming that Barack Obama should not be President because Obama’s not a United State citizen.
It’s always scary when we ignore facts, such as Obama is a U.S. citizen and Scott is a lifetime .267 hitter.
Speaking of rocket scientists…
Russian scientists are perplexed as to why a rocket carrying three satellites crashed into the ocean shortly after blast off on Monday. Here’s a picture of the rocket. Is it me, or is that thing mostly comprised of duct tape? There’s your problem, Mother Russia.
Speaking of rockets and illegal aliens…
Manu Ginobili believes he spotted a UFO recently while boarding the San Antonio team bus. You can’t blame the Spurs’ shooting guard for scanning the heavens, with the pending divorce of teammate Tony Parker and his actress-wife Eva Longoria, there’s a dearth of stars these days in Alamo City. And for the record, the illegal alien reference is to the UFO and not Ginobili.