Recently I read an article about different types of American families

http://tucsoncitizen.com/arizona-news/2011/07/14/census-traditional-arizona-families-falling-in-number/. The article basically says that the traditional American family is in the decline.

As in the United States, the traditional ideal of a family in Arizona – a married man and woman with children – continues to be chipped away by divorce, single parenthood, adults living without children and same-sex couples forming households and raising children of their own, according to 2010 census data.

When I was growing up years ago just about everyone in my home town in rural Hawaii was married (only once) with children. No one was divorced, there were no gay couples (or openly gay people), and only a few couples without children or infertile. It was indeed a homogenous society of the so-called “traditional family”. And I believe this was typical of most cities and towns back then in America.

Now the rate of divorce in America is at about 50% of married couples, and gay couples are able to marry in 5 states (plus the District of Columbia) and adopt children as well. Gay marriage is also legal as of today in New York State (the 6th state). And in 2011 there are numerous couples without children (either by choice, due to careers, or due to infertility).

These many divorces are creating blended families of half siblings and step brothers/sisters, as well as step-grandchildren. One of my friends has a grandchild and two “pseudo” step-grandchildren, as their daughter is not married to the father of their grandchild. Confusing? Somewhat.

I know a few gay couples with children, from one partner’s previous marriage or relationship, or through adoption or artificial insemination. Two of my son’s friends have mothers who are now openly gay after they had been married and then divorced from the father of their children. And I met a lesbian couple in Massachusetts who were sharing child custody with a gay male friend who had impregnated one of them (via artificial means).

In America today as mentioned in the article, women don’t need to get married due to financial freedom and career choices. And many who do marry get divorced and become single mothers. Same with single fathers due to the higher divorce rate. And more fathers are now playing a more active role in parenting, some even as “house husbands.” I now have many divorced friends (both sexes) and actually know several people who are in their 2nd or 3rd marriage.

And I know several women and men who have remained single and chose not to marry, for various reasons. The rate of marriage is also falling in America and was at a record low in 2009:

http://tucsoncitizen.com/community/2010/09/28/2010-census-data-record-low-wedding-rate-in-2009-lowest-in-over-100-years/

And I do say that marriage is NOT for everyone (see previous blog entitled “Why marriage?”:

http://tucsoncitizen.com/community/2010/01/01/why-marriage/)

as it is a lot of hard work and commitment. I say this being married (happily) for 27 years. But gay couples are now fighting for the choice to be able to get married.

And many people are now marrying or in relationships with someone outside their race/ethnicity (which could be the subject of another blog).
In my new world family, I have an adopted nephew (half-Turkish), a German step nephew (via my brother–in-law’s 2nd wife), a “pseudo” nephew (as my niece is in an unmarried relationship with a Kiwi man who is the father of their two children), and a nephew-in-law (from Morocco).

Ah, this is truly the new face of America, the land of immigrants and descendents from all over the world.

And this is becoming a land of acceptance and tolerance of different types of families and romantic relationships.

In America today our divorce rate is hovering at 50%. Don’t we all know several divorced couples wherever we look? By contrast when I was growing up I never heard of any in my community. Period. Now I know many.

So what’s wrong with marriage that half the couples who try it get divorced? Having been a divorce lawyer in my past, the ease of granting no-fault divorces certainly helped the divorce rate. I once divorced a couple back in Hawaii within a week. But then they had no common property, or children, or retirement funds.

Women are now almost an equal force in the workplace. Lots of women don’t feel they need to marry for financial reasons anymore, being independent, career-oriented professionals.

People in the past married to have children together. Many couples nowadays are opting not to bear children, so they don’t feel the need to marry.

And now I see young people reluctant to get married, and yet they are having children together. Will the past stigma of illegitimacy affect them or their kids? Many of these are children of divorced or unhappy parents and thereby, marriage-shy.

I’ve been happily married to the same man for 25 years. We were married in Oxford, England, but have mostly lived in America (Virginia, California, Hawaii, Arizona). Marriage does work for some people and can be a wonderful experience of sharing your lives, having children (optional), getting old and planning a future together. Most people can enjoy this form of cohabitation, but of course there are reasons not to stay with another person such as domestic violence, abuse, drugs.

I realize that couples get married due to religion, common values, and mutual interests, and that couples have different views on fidelity within marriage.

What I think is important in marriage are 3 C’s: commitment, communication, compromise.

Commitment to marriage over rough times is what keeps couples together (remember the marriage vows?). Not having that commitment is what is contributing to the high divorce rate. Communication is essential in talking about problems as they arise and not keeping your emotions bottled up. And then compromise is the daily give and take to make a relationship work over time.

That’s why my first and only husband and I are still together, and because we love and care about each other.

Let me know what you think about marriage and what works.