Announcer: We take you now to a hidden Al-Qaeda fastness undiscoverable by their enemies.
Sound: Muffled Conversations.
A Follower Speaks: Oh, My Master, what must we do to destroy the foreign unbelievers?
Osama bin Laden: Continue as we have done to disrupt their economy, to annoy and inconvenience them. See how successful we have been. Consider the brilliance and effectiveness of our shoe bomber strategy.
Follower: That idiot with the exploding tennies? But it didn’t work. The airplane survived and the martyr just gave himself a hotfoot.
Osama: Eater of camel dung! It didn’t have to work. It only had to threaten to work. And now…it makes me to giggle… every time they fly they have to take off their shoes and belts and submit to wanding. We will never send them another shoe bomber but the unbelievers will dance in their bare feet, struggling to hold up their pants….forever.
Follower: ( Digging camel dung from between his teeth) Master, I begin to understand… so the flaming jockey shorts ploy didn’t really..didn’t really (collapses into uncontrollable laughter) have to work.
Osama: Exactly. But now they must submit to being groped by retired policemen and former high school security guards or be digitally strip searched. And those x-ray machines are powerful stuff.
Our most brilliant maneuver was to convince them that without bases in Afghanistan from which to plot and connive our lives would be gray and desolate.
Their response? Tanks weighing 69 tons, with which they can destroy a hut full of Afghanis a mile away. And keep the Taliban riled up. Out by 2014? It makes to laugh.
Follower: But surely we must continue to plot and connive somewhere?
Osama: Rinse your mouth with mint tea, Abdoul, your breath smells of camel dung… Of course we must plot and connive. Even now four of our crack operatives are in a cheap motel on the outskirts of Indianapolis. Plotting and conniving. If they don’t come up with something I’ll let wikileaks know where the center of our plotting and conniving is.
Maybe the idiots will invade Indiana!