Don’t say it – don’t even think it.

This couple knew the All Souls Procession makes a great date/Ryn Gargulinski

I know, I know – all my blogs today, from the weapon as décor collection to the five death updates – have not been very cheery, perhaps.

I was going to even it out with a happy, snappy dating post. But the topic on my list is a phenomenal weekend date which just so happens to include more death: Tucson’s annual All Souls Procession.

Sigh.

Really – I did not plan this.

And I promise the All Souls Procession does NOT fill attendees and participants with gloom and doom but it is rather a celebration and honoring of our dearly departed.

Get into the fray and rhythm and you may even find yourself in the midst, quite rightly, of a spiritual experience.

Thousands of folks dress up to pay tribute to their dearly departed loved ones, both animal and human, or even a dead concept or entity.

This year’s procession will include a major death in the community over the past year that is dear to many of our hearts: the print edition of the Tucson Citizen newspaper. A gaggle of former staff will be dressed and marching to mark and mourn its passing. People I still miss daily for their humorous banter and awesome ideas.

Just one of the many fabulous puppets/Ryn Gargulinski

Tons of puppets, skeletons, skeleton puppets, floats and even pets dressed up always add another fine dimension to the festivities.

You’ll also be drawn in by the hordes of performers and the grand finale urn burn at the Franklin Street Docks, at the southwest corner of Sixth Street and Stone Avenue.

Even if you don’t have a date, feel free to go solo to the procession – you are going to meet a lot of interesting folks.

The procession starts to gather at 5 p.m. Sunday, Nov. 8 at Epic Café, corner of Fourth Avenue and University Boulevard.

Many Mouths One Stomach, the organization we can thank for pulling this together every year, asks participants register at the northwest corner of Fourth Avenue and Fourth Street. The procession begins at 6 p.m.

See AllSoulsProcession.org for a full map of the route, more information and details on other highlights of the All Souls Procession Weekend.

See – that wasn’t so horrible, was it?

What do you think?

Will you be attending the All Souls Procession?

Are you a regular or have you never been?

What’s always your highlight?

Would the All Souls Procession make a fine first date? Why or why not?

Thin is not in when it comes to dating, according to a poll taken by members of three online dating sites.

Dinner for two/Ryn Gargulinski

A hefty (excuse the pun) 85 percent of single guys said they simply adore heavier women.

Eighty percent of the men polled said the larger gals appreciate the attention more and are not as bitchy as their pin-thin counterparts; 69 percent of the guys said it’s what inside that matters; 54 percent said heavier women are better in bed; 13 percent said the rounder gals have more fun and 35 percent agreed with all of the above.

Nearly 80 percent of the guys said obese was OK, as long as he loved her.

On the flipside, 90 percent of women thought guys would find overweight women unattractive. Judging by the poll, they were way off the scale.

Go figure, pun definitely intended.

And the ladies, too, don’t mind if a guy has a few pounds to lose.

Nearly 88 percent of women polled said they feel protected by a bigger guy and “Yes, I love a teddy bear;” 74 percent said it would depend on how overweight he was but he better be healthy rather than a couch potato; and 30 percent of women wanted a guy who was fit and totally in shape.

We are not sure why the numbers don’t add up to 100 percent, unless folks were allowed to respond to more than one answer.

The sites that conducted the polls were Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com, and results were posted by parent company Avalanche, LLC.

What do you think?

Do prefer your date thin, muscular and fit or don’t you mind some extra pounds?

How many extra pounds are TOO many extra?

Since many of us are multimillionaires, we know we need to protect our assets against gold diggers and dates just looking to manipulate us out of our mansions and Jaguars.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.../Photo Ryn Gargulinski

It doesn’t usually apply to the first date, but once we start getting serious with someone, it’s time to sign a contract or two.

Prenuptial agreements are nothing new, but some of the newfangled marriage contracts, like one up for renewal between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, are pretty heavy duty.

We all know Katie and Tom – it’s the couple with a kid named Suri who traipses around town in high heels at age 3.

Tom is also known as the dude who stands on things so he can be at least as tall as his wives while Katie is also known as the no-name actress who is now upset because she is obscured by Tom’s celebrity, albeit short, shadow.

Their contract is a doozey, according to Star magazine, the highly reputable tabloid that is more fun than The Enquirer but not as amusing as those that report on Bat Boy and alien babies (some in high heels).

The Star said some of the highlights of their 100-page contract include:

The Scientology bonus – Katie allegedly gets $250,000 per year for supporting the religion and reportedly wants an additional $500,000 bonus as a special thank you.

The clothing allowance – Katie reportedly wants an increase from her annual $750,000 to an annual $2 million.

The baby bonus – Katie allegedly received a $3 million “gift” when she had Suri in 2006 and has been offered an “additional offspring” incentive ever since. Tom is reportedly willing to increase the gift to $5 million with an additional $2 million if she conceives by 2011.

The tabloid also mentioned the bickering about the contract may be enough to put an end to their three-year union.

The way it sounds, Tom is essentially paying Katie to stay with him and breed.

And we are left with but one question: What’s love got to do with it?

What do you think?

Have you ever dated someone who was only after your money?

Have you dated someone just to get to their money?

Are contracts that include a baby bonus and money for supporting your spouse’s beliefs ridiculous or an ideal thing?

Would an annual $250,000 be enough for you to support Scientology?

Most of us would admit that choosing to date someone based solely on his or her wardrobe would be a tad superficial.

Would you be caught dead dating someone dressed like these folks?/Photo Ryn Gargulinski - edited to protect the innocent

Some of us may do it anyway.

Even if we never say a word about our date’s mode of dress, there still may be times we wish we could send them home for a change of clothing.

Halloween is a grand exception to the rule. I was quite proud to be seen with a guy dripping gore dressed as roadkill while he seemed fairly fond of my black demonic wings.

During the rest of the year, however, some outfits may cause us to pause.

I have never sent someone home to change, nor have I been asked to go do so myself – at least not from anywhere other than one stuffy office job I had.

Yet some less-than-spiffy duds may make us roll our eyes in revulsion.

On the flipside, it may be equally disgusting to try and shape our dates into our own mode of dressing if that doesn’t suit them. Folks who are not comfortable in what they are wearing tend to become self conscious, irritable and stooped over like a hunchback as they try to hide.

So is it better to let some style blunders go?

Certain folks may look “cute” when they wear sneakers with sundresses or suits, but it’s still pretty tacky to throw on your tennies with a tuxedo or ball gown.

The jury is still out on guys – or even gals – in fur. I’m a fur lover, faux fur of course, so I generally find it quite fetching. As long as he doesn’t show up in a big, lavender floor-length fur coat that made him look like a sickly Easter bunny or a pimp.

Gals dressed as a pimp’s counterpart, with too short, too tight and too revealing anything, also fall into the tacky category.

Guys should keep their flimsy white tank tops (aka “wife beaters”) beneath their shirts, just as gals should refrain from publicizing bra straps and lingerie. Unless, of course, you find parading around in either a fine fashion statement.

But there may be nothing worse than a date who shows up, even with a bouquet of flowers in hand, who is wearing a T-shirt that reads: “I’m with stupid.”

What do you think?

Do you try to shape the way your date dresses? If yes, how?

What’s the worst outfit you or someone you know has worn on a date?

Did you ever send a date home to change?

Would you pick your boyfriend over your dog? Your girlfriend over your boa constrictor?

Zola helped determine that one guy was a real jerk/Ryn Gargulinski

Whether we love animals or not, sometimes animals just don’t love us back – nor do our own pets always love our significant other. Or maybe the dude is allergic to dogs or the gal terrified of snakes.

When our pets don’t dig our dates, it could be a good way to gauge if someone is a jerk. If my dogs don’t like a guy, he is probably not worth hanging out with.

We have to give it some time, of course, as Sawyer and Phoebe usually don’t like anyone at first. Phoebe will growl and bark while Sawyer will go so far as to stick his head in a person’s face to gauge the person’s fear factor.

Those that don’t flinch get a second chance. Those that are afraid get menaced.

Those that dispense treats are usually quickly approved.

The most horrific pet fiasco in a relationship I can recall would have been a nightmare even without the pets. I owned Zola, an 11-pound miniature pincher, and was dating a dude we’ll call Ashol, who was about 6-feet-2 and more than 200 pounds.

He whined and whined when he claimed the dog bit him. I never saw the bite – or the blood – but I could tell Zola was none too fond of this dude.

Matters got worse when he brought over his cat. I don’t recall the cat ever being mean to me per se, but it was certainly mislabeled as a “housecat.”

The guy’s answer to a litter box was letting the cat crawl in and out through a bathroom window. Of course, he did not mention that until the cat moved into my place, clawed through a couple of screens and then proceeded to crap on the carpet in the corner anyway.

Ashol then claimed I was “seeing things” when I brought up the cat waste, which someone had attempted to clean up by smearing in an upward motion on the nearby wall.

When the cat then clawed at and popped my exercise ball, it was time for the dude to move.

In this particular case, the animals were very helpful in determining this guy was a jerk. But I think in this case, too, I could have figured that out soon enough on my own.

What do you think?

Have you had scary or negative encounters with your significant other’s pets?

Have your own pets hated someone you were dating?

Did you ever have to choose between your loved one and a beloved pet? Do tell!

We’ve all heard that real men don’t eat quiche – but I’m finding a good number of men don’t eat vegetables, either.

Radishes sure are pretty/Clovis garden Ryn Gargulinski

Sure, there may be a bunch of green-bean-eatin’ dudes out there, but I never seem to meet them. I end up dating guys who have a strong aversion to some, if not all, vegetables.

One extremist would go so far as to pick out even the smallest shard of parsley, thyme or rosemary that dared touch his food.

If it was green, it was out of there. By the time he was done scraping basil out of his spaghetti sauce, everyone else was long done eating, had gone home and were usually asleep for the night.

A middle-of-the-road man I know will eat only a few vegetables – and only if they are prepared a certain way.

His salads are a bed of lettuce and a few raw carrots. He won’t touch carrots if they are cooked and refers to cooked onions as “slimy worms.” He likes to do this while I’m eating them.

Most men I know absolutely, positively, horrifyingly despise broccoli.

I really don’t care what guys eat – as long as they don’t expect me to eat the same stuff. And as long as they don’t mock my own food choices, thank you, Mr. Slimy Worm.

Zucchini actually - gasp - flower/Clovis garden Ryn Gargulinski

Here are a few random theories as to why guys despise vegetables.

The guys think vegetables are prissy. After all, many veggies are leafy, colorful, pretty. Some even grow from flowers. Much too feminine.

Or maybe they grew up in a veggie-aversion household. Right after these dudes were told to play with trucks instead of dolls, perhaps someone added, “and never admit to liking vegetables.”

Perhaps they are stuck in a stereotype. “I’m a meat and potatoes man.”

They could be still rebelling, a leftover from early childhood. “Mom said to eat all my vegetables but, dangit, I’m going to the opposite.”

Please prove me wrong. And please let me know if any of you guys out there actually like broccoli – and will actually admit it.

Are veggies just too cutesy?/Ryn Gargulinski

What do you think?

Do men generally have an aversion to vegetables or did I just luck out meeting the chosen few?

What other strange eating habits have you noted in your dates, either men or women?

OK, lovebirds. You couples have only a few days to come up with a set of costumes that proves you can be as creative as you can be lovely-dovey.

If we could turn blue and green and look like rodents, these costumes would be ideal/Ryn Gargulinski

These costumes need to be original, fun, better than a sheet with eye holes, comfortable, snazzy – and recognizable. The year I dressed as a nosebleed nobody had a clue what I was. But I did scare the heck out of one of my coworkers.

Couples costumes can be quite a challenge. First off, you both have to agree to it. That can be difficult enough.

Tips suggested at Costumes.LovetoKnow.com include dressing as something that reflects both your hobbies. Some cool ideas listed are outdoor enthusiasts to dress as a park ranger and hiker (although I prefer park ranger and grizzly bear); those who like eating out to go as a chef and waiter; those who like swimming to dress as a lifeguard and a shark.

But where does that leave me and my dude?

The animal lover and the guitar player?
The artist and the football fan?
The poet and the classic rock enthusiast?

Part two of the couples costumes equation is to choose something that has not been done to death. This part is even tougher than the first.

The cliché general category –
Here’s where we find the priest and the nun; the devil and the angel; the prisoner and the warden; the dog and the dog catcher; yawn, yawn, yawn. These are about as original as draping that sheet with eye holes on your head and calling it a night.

The cliché famous couples –
Bonnie and Clyde; Antony and Cleopatra; Elvis and Marilyn Monroe; Fred and Wilma Flintstone; Prince Charming and Cinderella have all been done to death. Besides, it would take a brave person to go out with a guy decked out in a big, fat Fred Flintstone costume.

The TV or movie couples (could put Flintstones here, too) –
Bert and Ernie; Lucy and Ricky; Darth Vadar and Princess Leia and all others based on TV shows or movies also lack originality. TV show couples are reportedly the hot trend this year (that means I will recognize none of them as I don’t watch TV).

The somewhat original that would never work –
Salt and pepper; a toilet and a plunger; a princess and a pea; the organ grinder and her monkey are fun choices, but they would never work. Nobody wants to walk around dressed like a giant condiment or a toilet. No guy, either, is going to agree to dressing like a monkey or a pea.

Anyone got a sheet with eye holes?
What do you think?

What are the best couple costumes you’ve ever seen or dressed as?

Which have been total disasters?

Since we had so much fun with bad boys and bad girls in a previous post, let’s gallop to the opposite end of the spectrum.

Mama's boys may wear cool hats, at least/Ryn Gargulinski

Meet the mama’s boy.

There is really no female equivalent here, as this category is a definite double standard – one of the few that is in women’s favor.

Gals after a certain age who live with their parents are just trying to save money or are being loving caretakers.

Adult men who live with the parents, especially their mothers, may be on their way to becoming Norman Bates.

Of course, men can still be a mama’s boy even if they do not live with their mothers.

The mama’s boy will not make a move without dear mom’s permission, consultation or blessing. He will invariably take her side over his wife’s or girlfriend’s point of view – even if the two have been married or in a relationship for 22 years.

No woman will ever live up to his mother. Will never cook, clean, work, enunciate or even write a novel as well as she does – even if she’s never written a novel. So no one should even try.

There’s really no room for another woman in his life.

Another speculations on men who live with their parents, especially guys in their 20s and 30s, is that the dudes have a different issue going on.

They may not be mama’s boys or like Norman Bates, but they could instead be more like Peter Pan.

They don’t want to grow up. They don’t want to pay rent. They don’t wanna go to work. They don’t even want to do their own laundry.

In either case, neither Bates nor Peter Pan seems too great for dating material – unless he can get mama to do our laundry, too.

What do you think?

Have you seen an increase in mama’s boys and Peter Pans?

Have you dated any? Are you one of them?

Do you agree there is a double standard between men and women living at home?

Is it OK for adults to live with their parents – or creepy?

Nice guys – and gals – may not always finish last, but they do get shoved out of the dating game when men and women fall for folks who fall into the not-so-nice category.

He can't be a bad boy if he uses Heinz ketchup/Ryn Gargulinski

Sad, but often true.

Some of us may have been sucked into dating a “bad boy” or “bad girl” as they are edgy, mysterious, dangerous.They may also seem like a heck of a lot of fun – until they throw you in the gutter like last week’s washrag.

Here’s how you can spot them:

Bad Boys

Bad boys are those macho, uncouth fellows you see hanging out in front of clubs, bars and railroad tracks. They will be there any time of day as many of them don’t work but instead find girlfriends who will gladly let them suck off their cash.

These dudes can commonly be found wearing muscle shirts and ripped jeans. Sneers, jeers and emitting phrases like “Yo, bay-BEE” are prime bad boy indications, as are the habits of using and abusing women.

Bad Girls

Bad girls are those skanky, uncouth chicks you see hanging out in front of clubs, bars or railroad tracks. They will be there any time of day as many of them have nothing better to do than prowl the streets to look for other women’s boyfriends to steal.

These chicks are commonly found wearing low-cut and high-cut anything, as long as it shows off a lot of skin and possibly their underwear – or lack thereof. Sneers, jeers and emitting phrases like “Kiss my butt” are prime bad girl indications, as are the habits of spitting tobacco and cussing up a storm.

So why are folks attracted to these not-so-nice types?

Both exude sexuality, excitement and confidence – something that is attractive on a primitive level. Think of the peacock strutting its stuff, perhaps in a pair of ripped-up Levis. Or a black widow luring men to her web in a thigh-high miniskirt.

Sure, they may be a thrill for a date or two, but bad boys and bad girls don’t translate too well into a meaningful relationship. Unless, of course, meaningful for you is robbing a liquor store.

What do you think?

Are you attracted to the bad boy/bad girl? Are you one yourself?

What’s the most awful experience you’ve had or heard of someone having while dating one?

Sometimes relationships end with an addendum – the ex owes us money.

This wouldn't even cover Cabela's shoe laces/Ryn Gargulinski

It could have be for a loan, a car, a pair of Cabela’s work boots. Or it could be a big one: child support.

Exes don’t like owing money – and they don’t always pay it back. But some are irresponsible enough to go to massive extremes to avoid paying.

Like the dude who ducked his child support payments by hiding out in Mexico.

The guy, a 30-year-old from Detroit, was nabbed on Saturday, Oct. 17 while trying to get back into the United States, according to a news release from U.S Customs and Border Protection.

Agents thought he looked “suspicious” but did not say why. Perhaps he had pockets full of the money he saved while in hiding.

They discovered a warrant for his arrest in Michigan for failure to pay child support, and extradited him back to the Great Lakes State. CBP did not release his identity.

Nice guy.

Another man, Cameron Brown, 47, was even nicer. And allegedly went to even greater extremes.

The California man is accused of hurling his kid off a cliff so he wouldn’t have to pay, according to a prosecutor in his murder retrial in an Associated Press report.

Brown reportedly “had no interest” in his 4-year-old daughter so he chucked her off a 120-foot cliff, the story says. He claims his daughter fell.

Brown’s retrial this summer ended with a deadlock, just like the first. Jurors agreed on conviction but couldn’t agree on second-degree murder or involuntary manslaughter, according to The Daily Breeze. The judge declared a mistrial and set a new trial date of Oct. 28.

So glad I never had to fight for dog support. But I wouldn’t mind getting paid back for those Cabela’s boots.

What do you think?

Have you had money hassles with exes? Did they flee to Mexico?

Are you ducking any that you owe money?