by Rynski on Jul.16, 2009, under breakup, danger, life
Can exes really remain “just friends”?
Just as the three little words: “I love you,” can send thrilling chills down our spines, the two little words “just friends” during a breakup can send bile up our throats.
These words are usually proceeded by phrasing such as: “You’re a great guy, but…,” “I think you’re awesome but…,” or “It’s not working out so….”
Friends or secret haters?/Ryn Gargulinski
If you’ve neither ever heard nor uttered these words, then you probably either have never broken up with anyone or live on Mars (they have a different term for “friends” on Mars.)
As we mature, our ability to live out the reality of “just friends” matures along with us.
High school romances that turn into “just friends” usually end up with a keyed car, ugly gossip and rumors about how the other person is a lousy kisser, or worse.
Early 20s “just friends” drop out of sight for a tad then call each other up for a wild time once every three months or so. They have so much fun that they get back together, briefly, eventually remember why they broke up in the first place, and then break up again. Rinse and repeat.
Thirty-something “just friends,” I am finding, can actually mean just that.
One former Brooklyn boyfriend with whom I remain “just friends” never gossiped, spread rumors or keyed my car. It may have helped that he didn’t really talk to anyone except his mother, and she already thought I was kooky, and I didn’t own a car in New York.
Another “just friends” has also thus far been working out. There’s no hard feelings, at least on my end. He may sit around sticking pins in the Lucky Voodoo Dolls I gave him, although I don’t get that feeling when we talk to each other.
Mind you, just because you’ve become “just friends” doesn’t mean the ending of a romance didn’t hurt. But you can move past it by acknowledging the pain and purging. Try writing, artwork, exercise and buying 22 new pairs of shoes.
One key to remaining “just friends,” is to make sure you can handle the relationship on that level – sometimes we can’t. If a relationship was particularly passionate, volatile, complicated or ended with someone throwing a heavy stainless steel object at the other person’s head, “just friends” will probably not work.
The other key is to be truthful, to yourself, about your motive for wanting to stay friends at all.
If you honestly enjoy the person’s company and think they are a fine soul, go for it.
But it you want to pretend to be “just friends” in the hopes of winning him back, spying on him or otherwise keeping your claws embedded in his life – back off.
That’s not a friend – that’s an invitation for pain, manipulation and resentment enough to key a car.
Better yet, it follows a phrase one of my high school teachers used to say that we were never sure if she was saying this way on purpose: “With friends like that, you don’t need an enema.”
What do you think?
Are you still friends with any of your past romances?
Can you remain friends with an ex?
16 Comments for this entry
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July 16th, 2009 on 11:40 am
i STILL TALK TO MY FIRST EX-WIFE, BUT IT’S SAFE.. SHE’S DEAD
July 16th, 2009 on 12:29 pm
July 16th, 2009 on 11:46 am
I usually like to let go and move on, without contact. I have a couple friends that I used to date, but they were more friend-like to begin with.
What do they call that? Friends with benefits.
July 16th, 2009 on 11:51 am
ha!
Mark – glad to hear you are continuing the friendship against severe odds.
AZMouse – you know, you’re right. The two “just friends” that are working out were friends from the start and then turned into relationships that fizzled-flopped-lost their spark. Guess the “with benefits” part wasn’t so beneficial after all…hahah.
July 16th, 2009 on 12:08 pm
You have touched on a sensitive area for me. I have never understood how you could be so close with someone for a time (whether it is 2 months or 22 years) and then just because a lifemate relationship isn’t in the cards, you suddenly do not speak to one another or care what is going on in their lives! I still care about every boy/man I ever dated for an extended period of time and it is sad when they don’t want to be in contact with you anymore. I understand that they need time to get over it and you, but it is still very sad to me. The good thing is that eventually the friendship can come. I am friends with 3 of my most powerful ex’s (including my high school sweetheart!) and they are still amazing men! Just not the one I want to intimately share my life with. Ryn… I will take it a step further and tell you that in your 40’s it is so much easier for both persons to understand that it is not personal and move on, while still enjoying a friendship. I am planning a dinner party with an ex and his new woman! There are some good things about getting more mature!
July 16th, 2009 on 12:57 pm
Wow Karen. I think that’s a great way to look at things.
I’m wondering if you are one of the ‘few’ or one of the ‘many’.
I did go on a double date with a guy. The other couple was his exgirlfriend and her new husband. It didn’t bother me at all.
July 16th, 2009 on 12:24 pm
Oh, Karen, what beautiful news! And that is great that you are having a dinner party with ex and his new woman. I think I could handle that with Brooklyn man…maybe? Thanks for your input.
July 16th, 2009 on 12:28 pm
Ryn, let’s be friends first then move on in a relationship. There is nothing that weirded me out more than sitting at a recital at my sons high school and my Ex on one side and my Girlyfriend on the other, still puts shivers in me timbers.
July 16th, 2009 on 12:35 pm
hahah! Thanks for the offer, A. Farley, but I heard you don’t believe in fixing your dogs (haha)!
Sorry to hear about the shivers at son’s high school recital…did the two women glare at each other or were they cordial and kind?
July 16th, 2009 on 12:46 pm
That’s the weird part, like best friends, and the step Mother and girlyfriends Mother all talking together., I thought I was either being punked or in the Twilight Zone .And I let Wolfe decide if he wanted to get it done, I had nothing to do with it.
July 16th, 2009 on 12:52 pm
It is different when you have a child(ren) with an ex. Then you have to work on being friends, and dealing with his/her new mate.
Personally (and I’m in my forties) it’s been easier to just forge on and let all involved start anew.
July 16th, 2009 on 12:53 pm
Well, I’m glad the women were cool about it. That must have been somewhat Twilight-Zoney.
OK, I won’t hold the dog fixing thing against you forever since it was Wolfe’s decision…
July 16th, 2009 on 1:21 pm
Ryn and Farley would look cute walking down the street with matching flowers in their hair. hehe
August 2nd, 2009 on 9:54 pm
I actually was just wondering if the whole “Just Friends” thing works for siblings of friends. My friend’s brother and i have been talking for quite a while now and are considering being a little more than friends. He’s asked permission to kiss me, and i said yes although i’m not quite sure how this will end up. I am not seeing him for two weeks while i am off in florida. The thing is, i really like him. I’ve told him this but he just replied with a cold “that’s good that you trust me, and i’m flattered.” if we DO start dating, then how will the break up be? we still will want to be friends, because of my friendship with his sister and my mom’s friendship with his mom and stepfather. Please help, i’m not sure what to do!
August 12th, 2009 on 7:18 pm
I have never remained friends with any guy I used to go out with — I don’t know much about any of them — and I really regret it because there’s one or two of them I’d still like to have sex with…you know, occasionally, not all the time or anything.
I do know people who have remained friends with exes and they don’t even have sex. They’re actually friends. Amazing. I guess we’re all different (but we should all agree with me, of course).
August 12th, 2009 on 7:25 pm
One more thing — I have remained friends with every single woman I was ever friends with. Even if the friendship waned and we didn’t see each other for years, hey, I am always happy to renew that friendship. Every single one. Why remain friends with exes (unless, of course, you want to violate your marriage vows and have sex with them?) when there are so many cool women in the world? I have zillions of girlfriends and never lost one. I don’t have that many exes compared to the huge number of girlfriends I have and am just fine without my exes — better, most likely. They’re nothing but trouble and there’s always that one or two that have you hopping into bed — not worth it.