by Rynski on Jul.28, 2009, under breakup, danger, disgusting, life
Surviving the stalker
Even if they don’t lurk in your oleander or boil your pet rabbit, stalkers are nothing to take lightly.
Stalkers try to eat you alive/Ryn Gargulinski
They come in many shapes, sizes and seemingly even species, but generally fall into three categories:
1. The total stranger. This is someone you don’t even know exists who is madly obsessed with you for whatever reasons are running through his head. He will do things like shoot the president to get your attention.
2. The disgruntled ex. This dude didn’t like that you broke up with him and refuses to take no for an answer. He can be one of the most dangerous as, since you shared a relationship, he knows your habits, your hobbies, where you work, where you live and how much you love your pet cat.
3. The friend who is secretly bedeviled by you. This category is growing in popularity, unfortunately, with a larger percentage of acquaintance stalkers than ever before. It could be because there are a larger number of wackos who don’t even make it into the disgruntled ex category. The bedeviled friend could be someone you casually drink coffee with who ends up shooting you in the head if you take a vacation or accidentally miss your regular coffee shop meeting.
You never know what these people are thinking. But you can engage in some methods to defend yourself.
Stalkers are often two-faced/Ryn Gargulinski
Change your habits – and your locks. Switch routes on the way to work, get a new phone number, delete the e-mail account that the stalker stuffs full of garbage. Invest in deadbolts and, if he ever had the key, change your locks.
Write everything down. Keep a running diary of all of the stalker’s attempts to contact you. Hang-up calls count. If he leaves phone messages, like my idiot stalker did, take the answering machine tape to the police precinct so cops have evidence of his lunacy. Yes, even keep the dead birds he stuffs in your mailbox.
Make friends with detectives. Take all your evidence down to the nearest police station and explain the situation. File a harassment report, get a restraining order or take any other legal action you can to get it on record that you are being harangued. Make sure to bring photos of the guy, if you have them, and also post the photos at work and other places to warn others to beware if he comes lurking around.
Move. If you can, just get the heck out of Dodge. I know, it’s unfair you have to rearrange your life for some schmuckle who won’t let you be, but it’s wise to get as far away from this person as possible. If you become inaccessible, he may give up or move on to another victim.
Watch out in dark alleys/Ryn Gargulinski
What do you think?
Have you ever been a stalker or been stalked?
How did you deal with it?
31 Comments for this entry
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July 28th, 2009 on 11:58 am
Scary. Had a client turn stalker once. Some people misconstrue kindness as affection, I think.
July 28th, 2009 on 12:03 pm
Agreed – very scary! And some people misconstrue “Get out of my life I don’t love you anymore” as an invitation to hide in the oleander!
July 28th, 2009 on 12:10 pm
azmouse – I am wondering if there is any form of abberant behavior in the context of the male-female relationship that you have not experienced? I’m surprised hope survives.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:02 pm
Hi leftfield-
I actually can’t think off the top of my head of an experience I haven’t had, unfortunately.
I think most ‘nice guys’ might be surprised, however, that more women than not have had to deal with most of these issues at one time or another. Most women I know personally have dealt with different forms of domestic violence, for example.
Hope does survive for me, not necessarily in the thought of meeting ‘Mr. Right’, but not living in fear or holding a few negative situations against all men. I do genuinely like and enjoy people despite a minority of weenies! lol
July 28th, 2009 on 1:13 pm
Maybe from now on, when responding to a story, I’ll just say “A friend of mine”. LOL!
Then nobody will know it was really me!
July 28th, 2009 on 12:05 pm
All true Ryn. When I practiced law for an Americorps domestic violence victims’ project, some of the spouses were stalkers. It is very dangerous for women (and some men) so they should be aware and beware too. Former girlfriends/partners/spouses can get hurt and killed by stalkers as you have clearly stated. Plus there are the stranger stalkers as well.
Once I was living in Honolulu and a guy followed me off the bus. It was early evening time but I saw him watching/following me so I ducked into a shop and told the store keeper. He ran outside with a broom in hand to scare off the guy. Then I called 2 friends and they came down to pick me up in their car. End of stalking story– but it was scary as he could have been a rapist, and the walk home was dark and far away from the bus stop.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:18 pm
Yuck! So glad a broom was able to chase him away. Double glad you were able to call friends to drive you home. Additionally, domestic violence – in stalking or other forms – is the number one crime in Tucson and many other places.
July 28th, 2009 on 12:06 pm
Hey! these oleanders are pointy, ouch!
July 28th, 2009 on 1:03 pm
yikes! lol
July 28th, 2009 on 1:18 pm
ha!
July 28th, 2009 on 12:14 pm
I had an ex stalk me for three years. Once he was caught putting a substance in my gas tank. I had to have it emptied and cleaned. The only way I got rid of him is when I left the country for three years and then changed my name when I returned. Thank god I never heard from him again. There was a point in time I thought he would kill me……I still take a second look when I see someone who resembles him and that was 34 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 28th, 2009 on 1:19 pm
Yes, stalkers can haunt you long after the fact. My jerky guy had a blue truck. I would cringe in horror at blue trucks for years.
July 28th, 2009 on 12:15 pm
This and other threads on these pages give me pause to realize what a privilege and freedom being male in this world affords. In my long life I have never had occasion to fear a stairwell or parking lot, nor have I been the victim of stalking or sexual harrassment.
July 28th, 2009 on 12:20 pm
Leftfield, you are correct. I told a guy friend of mine once that you will NEVER KNOW what it feels like to approach your car in a dim parking lot and feel fear well up inside you. You will never know what it’s like to have to look over your shoulder periodically when alone outside. You will never know what it’s like to really think things through before you find yourself alone with someone you don’t know well.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:10 pm
I think it’s slowly getting better for women, as far as people’s thoughts of rape and sexual harrassment are concerned.
Back in the day if a woman was attacked by a man, it was all about what she was wearing, etc to have ‘encouraged’ the attack. Allot of times the family would decide not to press charges to keep the whole thing hush-hush.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:25 pm
The laws, too, are getting better. You can now file restraining orders in some states BEFORE disaster happens. Yes, we all know an order is just a piece of paper, but at least helps keep a history of behavior. In the past, there was little police could do until AFTER someone was maimed, injured or killed.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:34 pm
“A friend of mine” had to file a restraining order against her exboyfriend years ago. He went to her work and told them she would no longer be working there, because he was going to kill her.
It didn’t really help, but luckily “my friend” had a really big, mean older brother to help take care of him.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:44 pm
Yes, AZMouse – When restraining orders don’t work, big brothers or friends who break kneecaps are the second best option. Glad “your friend” had one of those weapons!
July 28th, 2009 on 1:47 pm
…and why do the stalker jerks always come to the workplace? I worked in a fru-fru Madison Avenue building with security desk and all that jazz and the jerk showed up, tried to punch out the security guy, made a big scene in the echo-ing lobby and then yelled up the elevator shaft as I tried to escape to a top floor where the office was. That has to be all for show, really.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:25 pm
So true. I had a roommate about 35 years ago. She was out of town for the weekend. Her boyfriend showed up at 1 a.m. banging on the door saying he had car trouble. Well, I let him in to use the phone. He said no one could pick him up so could he sleep on the couch. I didn’t see anything wrong with that so I got a pillow and blanket then went back to bed. Does anyone see where this is going? Yep, 30 minutes later I was pinned down. That’s the last time I let a man in under those circumstances. Back in those days it was my fault for opening the door. Live and Learn!!!!!!!!!!
July 28th, 2009 on 1:31 pm
So sorry that you went through that. Again, I think most men don’t understand how often these things happen in a woman’s life. Your story sounds like so many others I’ve heard. I wonder if that guy that did it ever thinks about what he did and how wrong it was. So terrible.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:47 pm
Dang, that stinks. So sad we have to be careful about giving anyone the benefit of any doubt…
July 28th, 2009 on 1:41 pm
C’mon azmouse. I am sure he thought he was the stud and bragged to all his buddies how he nailed this b**ch. I heard something to that affect later.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:43 pm
And unfortunately that’s not the first time I have found myself in a horrible situation. I get a little paranoid about men I don’t know well now and I don’t put myself in situations where I am alone with one I don’t know well.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:50 pm
Didn’t even think about that, KD. Sad.
I’ve also been in those kind of situations. We always need to be on guard I guess.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:49 pm
yawn. Stalking, as an attention-getting “hot” topic in the mass media, was done to death a decade ago.
Where is banal Ryn Gargulinski going next?
Here’s a possible clue:
http://www.ehow.com/members/rynski-articles.html
July 28th, 2009 on 1:52 pm
So nice to see you in all your usual, happy glory.
I’m sending you a big smile!
You can’t do these kinds of topics enough, if it helps keep our girls and women safer.
July 28th, 2009 on 1:59 pm
Red Star, you related to that person I let in my house 35 years ago?
July 28th, 2009 on 2:39 pm
I believe red star-aka ’spatula man’, and his cohort ‘frying pan frieda’( who regularly beats him senseless with the aforementioned spatula) live in a dimly lit fetid hovel, reeking of old hamburger grease and kitty litter. Emerging into the daylight only to pester girl scouts or torture an animal. Friedas’ non-stop nagging has reduced R.S. to a demon like creature, no longer resembling anything remotely human. To humanity, he has become a pariah, to this website, he’s just a nasty vindictive old …person.
July 28th, 2009 on 4:38 pm
Red Star – I get it. You don’t enjoy reading what Ryn blogs about.
Then if I may, why come here and read what she posts at all?
July 28th, 2009 on 5:08 pm
On top of that, why research her on the internet if she’s *yawn* ?