Even if they don’t lurk in your oleander or boil your pet rabbit, stalkers are nothing to take lightly.

Stalkers try to eat you alive/Ryn Gargulinski

They come in many shapes, sizes and seemingly even species, but generally fall into three categories:

1. The total stranger. This is someone you don’t even know exists who is madly obsessed with you for whatever reasons are running through his head. He will do things like shoot the president to get your attention.

2. The disgruntled ex. This dude didn’t like that you broke up with him and refuses to take no for an answer. He can be one of the most dangerous as, since you shared a relationship, he knows your habits, your hobbies, where you work, where you live and how much you love your pet cat.

3. The friend who is secretly bedeviled by you. This category is growing in popularity, unfortunately, with a larger percentage of acquaintance stalkers than ever before. It could be because there are a larger number of wackos who don’t even make it into the disgruntled ex category. The bedeviled friend could be someone you casually drink coffee with who ends up shooting you in the head if you take a vacation or accidentally miss your regular coffee shop meeting.

You never know what these people are thinking. But you can engage in some methods to defend yourself.

Stalkers are often two-faced/Ryn Gargulinski

Change your habits – and your locks. Switch routes on the way to work, get a new phone number, delete the e-mail account that the stalker stuffs full of garbage. Invest in deadbolts and, if he ever had the key, change your locks.

Write everything down. Keep a running diary of all of the stalker’s attempts to contact you. Hang-up calls count. If he leaves phone messages, like my idiot stalker did, take the answering machine tape to the police precinct so cops have evidence of his lunacy. Yes, even keep the dead birds he stuffs in your mailbox.

Make friends with detectives. Take all your evidence down to the nearest police station and explain the situation. File a harassment report, get a restraining order or take any other legal action you can to get it on record that you are being harangued. Make sure to bring photos of the guy, if you have them, and also post the photos at work and other places to warn others to beware if he comes lurking around.

Move. If you can, just get the heck out of Dodge. I know, it’s unfair you have to rearrange your life for some schmuckle who won’t let you be, but it’s wise to get as far away from this person as possible. If you become inaccessible, he may give up or move on to another victim.

Watch out in dark alleys/Ryn Gargulinski

What do you think?

Have you ever been a stalker or been stalked?

How did you deal with it?

Before we delve into this tantalizing topic, we have to ask a single question: do affairs ever NOT go bad?

Cheating on or being cheated on by your significant other ends with hurt feelings, mistrust, breakups, breakdowns and sometimes even worse.

Some prime examples include:

Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

Steve McNair – This noted pro football quarterback and seemingly “all-American guy” was having a clandestine affair his wife didn’t even know about – until his girlfriend allegedly decided to put four bullets in him before turning the gun on herself.

While the double deaths have not been “officially” deemed a murder-suicide at the hands of a, shall we say, unhappy mistress, police say they are not seeking any suspects. Wonder why not.

Brad Pitt – This noted actor and ex-husband of Jennifer Aniston was playing around with Mr. and Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie on camera and off, leading to a divorce from Aniston and marriage to Jolie. While no one is dead from this hookup, we hear Pitt is already possibly wanting to play around with other costars, at least according to the crappy tabloids I like to read, although he’s now saddled with a wife and 502 kids adopted from faraway countries. A rumor has also recently circulated that he had a secret hookup with Aniston in a hotel room.

This affair has also compelled me to keep checking updates on Aniston to see if a. she’s had a nervous breakdown; b. found someone better than that big, goofy dude she first dated following the divorce; or c. see if she finally got a new haircut. You know how annoying it is to be compelled to follow Jennifer Aniston news?

Midget wrestlers and fake prostitutes – This sad tale tells of two Mexican midget wrestlers who were found drugged to death in a seedy hotel after being seen in the company of two hookers. The prostitutes, however, were not really prostitutes but a couple of thieves who specialize in drugging people to rob their money.

While there is no report of the midget wrestlers actually being in relationships with anyone, going to a prostitute is quite often a sign of cheating. Even if they weren’t cheating, hooking up with a hooker is just gross. Perhaps ironically, one of the wrestlers went by the name “La Parkita,” which means “Little Death” and performed in a skeleton costume. The other guy was known as “Espectrito Jr.,” for which no translation was provided, although it could mean “Little Bike Path.”

What affairs do you know of that wrecked homes, lives and careers?

Do you know of any with happy endings?

What’s the craziest things you’ve heard of people doing to hide an affair?

We’ve all fantasized about the best revenge for a guy or gal caught cheating on us: blowing off their heads with a shotgun.

While few of us, at least those of us not currently in prison, have followed through with this fantasy, Tucsonan Mark Sadler did.

Blood on church steps that are really rose petals/Photo Ryn Gargulinski

At least on paper. He turned the trauma and drama of his nasty divorce and his self-awakening that followed into his debut novel: Blood on His Hands (Infinity Press, 2009).

Sadler neither disclosed if his ex-wife had been cheating on him nor if he owned a shotgun, but he did answer one question quite ominously. When asked if he had a dog, he replied, “Not anymore.”

No, I honestly don’t think Sadler killed his dog, although he does admit, “I tried to murder myself but could not.”

“I went through a rather nasty divorce about seven years ago; one that makes you question whether you want to live or not,” Sadler said. “The stress was so great that one day I just packed it all in and disappeared; no one knew where I was. I was completely isolated. I reappeared a week or so later (hauling) a 60-pound pack on the Appalachian Trail.

“The journey that my protagonist takes is loosely based upon my own journey and I experienced an awakening of the spirit on the journey once I got on the Appalachian Trail. I wanted to write about my hiking experiences but so many people have written their personal journey on the Appalachian Trail that I wanted to take a unique angle so I dressed it up as a murder mystery.”

He picked a murder mystery over, say, a romance novel, as he enjoys the thriller aspect of the genre. He also enjoyed creating characters more colorful than the Scarlet, Peacock and Mustard we get in the game of Clue.

His main players are Oklahoma redneck Mike Renton, the dude that blows away his cheating wife; the wife Bonnie; and Bonnie’s lover, Ian Walker, a New Zealand private investigator.

Sadler explains in his press release:

Northern Georgia’s Appalachian Trail has long been rumored to have healing powers and in this tale of redemption and repentance Renton discovers for himself that more than just ‘trail magic’ exists on his journey of despair.

Blood on His Hands leads us from wanton desperation to the promise of a new life no matter the cost.

Not a bad start for a debut novel. Unless, of course, you happen to be the cheating wife.

I first met Sadler at Tucson’s Limelight Poetry Reading where I heard excerpts of the novel. Good stuff. I also heard him mention “his wife” so we know he’s remarried despite previous pain. We also know he’s working on his next book as he recently took a ride-along with a local sheriff’s department.

Mark Sadler/submitted photo

Catch Sadler reading from his novel July 11 and signing books Aug. 1:
Clues Unlimited, 3146 East Fort Lowell, at 2 p.m. on July 11
Mostly Books, 6208 E. Speedway Blvd, at 1 p.m. on Aug. 1
You can also join his fan club on Facebook.

One more thing we know: writing is a great way to purge relationship, or any other, pain.

My ex-boyfriend-turned-stalker experience ended up as a chapbook and CD entitled “How I Almost Married a Psychopath.” Another failed relationship turned into another series of poems, including a heartbreaking lament about how he moved out and took all the silverware.

Have you used writing, singing or another art form to get over a bad breakup?
What’s the best revenge you exacted on a cheating or otherwise crappy mate?