I’ve said it before, and discovered on my plane trip home last week that the Daily Mail agrees: Romantic comedies tend to lead to disappointment in real-life relationships. Some TC.com readers may have already seen the Daily Mail piece, which reports on studies about the connection between romantic comedies and unhappy real-life relationships, but in case you didn’t, the gist is this: ” … the entire romantic comedy genre has made couples wonder why their relationships don’t match the light-hearted fun and eternal happiness they see on the screen.”

May I suggest that maybe people watching movies have forgotten something key: Movies are fiction and real life is, well, not. When was the last time you saw some handsome man ride up on a white stallion and offer to rescue a woman from last night’s dishes? Exactly.

But it is a sign of the power of media that we are frequently brainwashed into believing that what we see on a screen is what is “normal” and thus, what we should expect in real life. It isn’t a new thought – as C.S. Lewis, in his book Mere Christianity wrote in 1952: “Poster after poster, film after film, novel after novel, associate the idea of sexual indulgence with the ideas of health, normality, youth, frankness, and good humour.” Lewis was writing from a Christian viewpoint specifically on sexual morality, but his point was that what we put in our brains affects how we view reality and that sometimes, with enough propaganda about a particular things, we can see a wrong as a right. Or, in the case of romantic comedies, we can come to believe that fantasy should be – or is – reality.

I’ve heard this often from 20-something women. They were brought up on The Princess Diaries and other seemingly harmless movie fodder and then gravitated to chick flicks such as Notting Hill and Serendipity as they grew older. Time and again they received the message (and are still receiving it), via the big screen, that there is The One out there, that he will find you, that you will marry and live happily ever after with nary an argument over who reads Good Night Moon to the babies or who does the laundry.

Alas, real life is not so perfect. As the counselor who conducted the study reported by the Daily Mail said, “Real relationships take work and true love requires more than fireworks.” Indeed, in relationships of longer than about two years, part of the work is making sure you still have fireworks.

But work, dear readers, is not a bad thing. I think far too many long-term relationships and marriages suffer from a lack of commitment to work on the relationship. One or both members in the union decides to get comfortable and just slide on through life, partner by their side, happy as a clam. (Are clams REALLY happy? Has anyone ever polled them?) Meanwhile, their partner is feeling lonely, abandoned, neglected, or – worst of the worst – bored. Sometimes, there’s also the feeling of suffocation or being controlled. Do any of these feelings mean the relationship – which started out all sparkly and fun – is suddenly doomed? Because it doesn’t look like Sleepless in Seattle does that mean the relationship is failed?

No, it just means it needs some attention, some variety, some (gasp!) work. We have to be willing to put the same energy and/or consideration into our relationships on day 654 that we did on day five. According to a variety of advice and relationship counselors, that includes finding shared interests, learning new things, reaching out during the day and reminiscing about about the early days of your relationship. It also means, and I say this in the nicest way, keeping up your appearance to keep yourself attractive to your spouse. (And this isn’t just a female responsibility – there are just as many, if not more, men letting themselves go in relationships as women. In spite of all that talk that men are more visually stimulated than women, I’m here to tell you all women appreciate their men looking good. Here’s a hint, guys: If you’re not doing at least 25 push ups and 50 sit ups a day, you’re letting yourself go.)

So, does this mean we should give up our chick flicks and rom-coms? Not necessarily. But it does mean parents need to do a better job about teaching the realities of relationships to their children, and women, especially, need to be aware of the brainwashing that’s going on at the local theater. No man (or woman) is as perfect as they are projected on the big screen, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth the work of real love anyway. Here’s a video about the down side of chick flicks and feel free to participate in the poll below.

One of the first things we noticed during our recent trip to France and Germany was that parents there don’t yell at their children. Neither do they turn them over to be entertained and occupied by handheld devices when out in public, nor scold them for wandering off – which little kids in France and Germany seem wont to do. Admittedly, little ones are often with nannies in Paris Monday through Friday, but the nannies don’t yell either — and that’s another post.

When kids are with their parents, the “It Takes a Village” idea seems to be the rule of thumb – at least to a casual observer – and the level of patience shown toward children is truly remarkable. I never once heard the French or German equivalent of “Hurry up!” during our 16 days abroad. And since it is documented fact that babies and small children are my kryptonite, you can trust me when I say I was paying lots of attention to small ones and those caring for them.

True, I was in the center of Paris, not the poverty-stricken suburbs, so I was among more educated and affluent Parisians; maybe there would have been more yelling in the projects. And granted, you can’t walk more than a few blocks in Paris without coming to some sort of park (ditto in Germany) and parks, in general are happy places.

One of Paris' very cool parks and one really cute boy and dog.

Perhaps parents in U.S. parks are all relaxed and playful with their kids as well and I just don’t see it as much because our cities and towns (at least west of Texas) are not designed as building, building, building, park, building, building, building, park, building …. They even had a sandbox in the garden of the Rodin Museum, for goodness sake.

The sandbox in the Rodin Gardens in the Rodin Museum in Paris

Yet, when we went to southern France and Germany and were in a more varied economic strata, we saw much the same relaxed and patient attitude toward small children. Ditto when we went into the French equivalent of a Walmart – always the place to find parents yelling at children in this town – there was no parental outrage and few crying children. And the children who were crying got comfort, not scolding.

So maybe it is simply a cultural difference: in France and Germany, the parents look at their children as small fry to be treated and taught kindly and in the U.S., all too often, parents seem to look at their children as just another bother. How else can we explain the practice – parodied in this weeks Doonesbury - of parents spending more time with their electronics than talking with their children? Why the ever-present sight of mothers out strolling with their small ones while chatting on their cells instead of chatting with their children? Or what about families out to dinner with Baby propped in front of a portable telly, Junior plugged into his hand-held video game and Mom and Dad glued to their smart phones? (I’m not making that up. I saw that exact scene at a Chili’s three months ago.)

Here’s what I saw overseas: The common mode of carrying children in France and Germany appeared to be on dad’s shoulders.

Family outing in Germany, taking a stroll somewhere.

This position is so revered in southern Germany that there was even a statute erected to the practice.

Statue on the shores of Lake Constance in Uberlingen, Germany. Mid-day swims in the lake are common, as locals need to cool off and there isn't air conditioning - thus, the clothing hung on the statue.

When not on dad’s shoulders, kids were in prams or walking alongside mom holding hands

Mom and daughter at the street market in the neighborhood where we stayed in Paris.

or just skipping ahead into a crowd at the market or motoring along on a child-sized vehicle.

A little dino-dressed munchkin riding down the middle of a street in Constance, Germany.

At a music festival in Germany, we even saw a little boy wander out of the audience, up to the stage where a group was performing and start to explore the openings in the stage, nary an adult to tell him no or wonder if it was a good idea or not.

Cute German boy stealing the thunder from the band onstage.

Either everyone at the festival was related, Germany has no fear of child molesters, or Mom/Dad had a watchful eye from somewhere and, in between beers, had decided their little one was in no danger. Contrast that with the ever-present “Stay with me!” American attitude of kids in public spaces. I was a big “Go play outside” mom, but was paranoid in crowds. In fact, one of my most terrifying memories is when our youngest son, now 24 but then only 3, wandered off at a Texas festival, when I’d let go of his hand for a second to lift his elder brother up to a drinking fountain. We found him less than 30 seconds after I started screaming, toddling happily after a colorfully dressed clown. I aged 10 years in those 30 seconds.

Maybe it is that the creepos in America get more press and thus, cause more fear among parents, or maybe it is that there truly are fewer creeps in France and Germany. The presence of parks and, especially in Germany, the lack of automobile traffic, probably contributes to the more casual “let them roam free” attitude we saw. Whatever it was, it was nice and I think we could learn something from, because the first sign of us being home in America late Thursday night was this: A mother dragging her very sleepy, barely walking, crying 2-year-old through the airport parking lot, sternly saying, “You keep up with me!” Too depressing for words.

God Blogging will be empty for the next three weeks while I’m on vacation, letting God’s grace find me away from the computer and the craziness of the past year. It will be a great, and needed, break. The past few months journeying with my sister in law and her cancer has taught me that time is short and I really need to get better at enjoying whatever life gives me – especially a vacation.

If you’re wanting general God news in the meantime, check out Religion News Service. If you’re looking for inspiration, Jessica’s Daily Affirmation is still my top pick. If you want to keep up with what I cover discuss most around here – the Catholic Church – go see Rocco over at Whispers, or for a different – and really thoughtful – Catholic look at the news, see Mary at OSV Daily Take. If you’re wondering about faith in general, you might want to visit Flirting with Faith, and if you’d like to keep up on what two UA students are thinking about anything and everything Arizona higher ed, go here. I’ll see you at the end of July.