Earlier this week, I wrote about how too much technology could be bad for your brain. I made the comment that there was no real reason any child under 16 needed a cell phone – if the argument for cell phones is safety. I’ve been handily challenged via comments and other methods to reconsider that blanket statement. After consideration, I concede that maybe children at the age of middle school might need a cell phone for safety. Under that age, it seriously seems that hands-on parenting is what should be providing the safety for that child.

However, even if parents do believe their young ones need a cell phone, thought must be given to the negatives (cognitive development, bullying via texting, the inability to “disconnect”, decreased ability to connect with anyone not tethered to a texting machine, the cost, the ability of creepers to track where your kid is by the fact they have a phone, the unknown effect of holding a battery to your head or in your front pocket all day, the decidedly unsafe practice of texting/talking by teens while driving) versus the positives (reaching your kid, tracking your kid with those creepy tracking devices, talking via text to a teen who won’t talk in person, safety).

If you think your child needs a cell phone, give him one. But as the grownup, perhaps you should consider setting limits on usage of that phone. If it truly is for safety, he doesn’t need it once he gets home – turn the thing off and turn on face-to-face interactions. Then again, many parents are just as addicted to their devices as their children are. Awhile ago, I saw a family of four at a restaurant. Mom and Dad were both reading/using their smart phones, the baby was propped in front of a tiny video device watching a kid-vid, and the young boy, who looked to be about 8, was saying, “And then, when my teacher told me ….” while his parents stared at their phones and said, “Uh-huh, hmm” and other grunts of feined interest. The sad thing is, this isn’t a rare sight and personally, I’m not sure this is all that great for family development.

I know the risks of being over-wired. When I first discovered instant messaging about 15 years ago (after succumbing to begging from my family to get the Internet in our house), I was instantly addicted. It was like a drug – all this real-time connection with people all over the place. Now, I have to fight wasting 30 minutes here and 40 minutes there reading Twitter feeds or Facebook updates – and don’t even get me started on what happens to my morning if I start searching blogs for a particular teacher topic! I really want a smart phone, but I’m fairly certain if I get it I’ll not be able to control my insatiable need-to-know what is happening right this minute in Japan, New York, the Middle East. Right now, if I leave my computer, I’m off the connection web. If I were to have a smart phone, Lord only knows what might happen.

Do you think someone who is 10 years old knows the risks of over-connection? Does a 16 year old understand what she’s missing in real relationships as she feeds her virtual ones online? We’ve all seen the interviews with tweens who say they can’t sleep if they aren’t holding their phones. Should we just accept this as normal or should we use are critical thinking skills and question it? Should we poo-poo what the the research in the story Monday was showing or maybe give it a little thought? Or should we wonder that wiring up our kids at birth may be one of the reasons college students today are showing 40 percent less empathy than students did just a decade ago?

I’m not saying we should all go back to the unwired dark ages. There is so much potential for good out there in the wired world. I’m saying we should not all march like lemmings to bow at the altar of technology without thinking about it longer than five minutes, especially when young children, young brains and young relationships are involved.

The New York Times has a huge article today on the damage technology is doing to our brains. Yes, there are many good things about technology (I’m blogging, aren’t I?), but the research is conclusive now that multitasking makes us dumber, not smarter, and that the addictive affect of being plugged in is quite real – and damaging to relationships.

Unfortunately, the piece is really long, so many people may not even read it – they’ll be too busy clicking over to another window or checking their Smart Phones (new motto: We make you dumber than you used to be). But here’s the cheat sheet if you can’t spare 15 minutes to read the whole story: Read the first page for the damage issue up close. Scroll halfway down this page to read a graf about multitasking and find a link to a quick game showing you’re not near as good at multitasking as you think you are. Read page three to drill down into the research, and pay close attention (if you can!) to this nugget:

Mr. Ophir is loath to call the cognitive changes bad or good, though the impact on analysis and creativity worries him.

He is not just worried about other people. Shortly after he came to Stanford, a professor thanked him for being the one student in class paying full attention and not using a computer or phone. But he recently began using an iPhone and noticed a change; he felt its pull, even when playing with his daughter.

“The media is changing me,” he said. “I hear this internal ping that says: check e-mail and voice mail.”

“I have to work to suppress it.”

And if you are a parent, give serious thought to if your children really need a cell phone. Parents are supposed to provide materials than enhance education and brain structure, not take from it. The developing brain needs to be trained to think deeply and creatively, not run like Pavlov’s dogs to the nearest stimulus – which is exactly what cell phones and text messaging train brains to do. From the Times piece:

Researchers worry that constant digital stimulation like this creates attention problems for children with brains that are still developing, who already struggle to set priorities and resist impulses.

No child under driving age needs a cell phone. There is argument that cell phones are necessary for new drivers in case they get in a wreck and they are far from a pay phone. (There’s also the argument that cell phones in cars with teens increase accidents). But prior to 16, there’s no good argument – safety or otherwise – for giving a kid a cell phone. It is little more than convenience for parents, giving them the ability to track their children/check on them 24/7. How did parents do that before the advent of cell phones and other technology? Oh, yeah, they sat down at dinner and had actual conversations with their kids. We can do it again, people. Our brains may depend on it.

This week has been a convergence of ah-ha moments, all loosely tied to my committment to blog my way through The Happiness Project (hereafter referred to as THP). A breakdown for readers:

First, I attended an event at my parish that featured a student preacher – my 20-year-old daughter. At one point she said something about people doing what they were born to do and how we should pay attention when God “moves things around” inside our hearts/souls. She was much more eloquent than I’m relating here and had more pearls of wisdom, but the epiphany I had when listening is this: I worry a lot – too much – about what everyone else thinks of my life choices, particularly when it comes to work.

As Gretchen Rubin writes in the March (or third) chapter of THP: “I have an idea of who I wish I were, and that obscures my understanding of who I actually am.” Can I get an amen from the choir on that? How great the world would be – or at least my little part of the world – if we could all just figure out who were were meant to be and accept that instead of trying to be someone else. So, that’s ah-ha moment #1: Do what you want, work where you want, regardless of the pay, prestige, or pressure from others.

A view of Ventana Canyon from the trail

Next, my husband and I went on a long hike on Ventana Canyon Trail. When he asked me to go I couldn’t figure out why I was so excited, and then I remembered what I discovered last month when I was reading the first part of THP – that I really like doing physical things outside with friends or family. If that is the case, I thought, why the heck has it been a month since I made time to do that??? Ah-ha moment #2: Schedule these physical-with-family/friends events twice a month instead of allowing time to go by.

Then, taking a social risk, I attended a women’s Faith Sharing group at my parish. It is co-led by a Dominican sister, new to both Tucson and the parish, and a student from the University of Arizona, and the age range is college sophomore through mid-life women. The last time I had the chance to participate in a group like this was when we lived in Alabama 17 years ago, and until I was sitting there on the couch listening to the insights these women shared, I didn’t realize just how much I’d missed it. More importantly, I didn’t realize how absolutely necessary that kind of connection is for my internal stability and external happiness. It was like finding a lost key to my heart. Ah-ha moment #3: Pay attention to what feeds your soul and make sure you get it.

Then finally, a writer on the Catholic Writers’ listserv mentioned that she was also reading THP and that Rubin’s list of books that “most influenced” her year-long Happiness Project included one written by a Catholic saint: the Story of a Soul, by St. Thérèse of Lisieux. The others were Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography and everything written by Samuel Johnson. That observation reminded me that I was supposed to be reading the book a little bit each day to blog about it and that  I was a slug for abandoning that original commitment. So, ah-ha moment #4: Stop trying to do a million things at once and just settle on a handful and actually do them. (So much to do… so little time to get it right!)

OK, so for those of you still reading here’s the low down on what I’ve read in THP lately: The February chapter is about “remembering love.” Rubin’s HP required that she quit nagging, fight right, not “dump” on her husband, stop expecting praise or appreciation, and “give proofs of love.” She offers plenty of lots of information on what research says about making happy marriages and relationships (here’s a video of her breaking some of it down – scroll down to “proofs of love” video), and is self-effacing when discussing her own struggles in the area. What stood out for me most was Rubin’s experience of a week of “Extreme Nice.” She spent one week with no criticism, no nagging and no snapping at her husband.

I’ve decided I’m going to try this Extreme Nice challenge myself next week – and believe me, it will be a

The object of my affection - and my Extreme Nice challenge - taking a break on the hike.

challenge, since I’m probably one of the most negatively tuned, critical people on earth. (Nothing like 25 years as a journalist to set your positivity meter to the minus side.) I’m not alone in this “think negative” trait, though: Polls show that lots of us – at home, in the work world, at stores and on the road – are thinking more negatively than ever. It is as though we’ve trained ourselves to focus on the negative and negate the positive. (Of course, the news probably doesn’t help, which is why you should read this Web site every day after you read your daily paper or scan the headlines on the Web.)

But there’s a good reason to flip our negative Nellie attitudes around: Personal and relational happiness. Marriages and relationships with more negative comments said daily than positive ones (even if those comments are framed as “jokes”) are 10 times more likely to be unhealthy, unhappy and end in a breakup. So, to go for healthy and happy, try to aim for a 3-to-1 ratio: For every one negative thought/emotion/comment you have, you need to have three positive ones. (Sure, the tire is flat, but at least it isn’t raining, you have a jack and the sun is still out so you don’t have to use a flashlight when changing the tire. Sure your husband leaves his socks on the floor, but he also reads to the kids each night, coaches your son’s T-ball team and remembers to put the toilet seat down.)

I am going to give it the old college try … starting in about 10 minutes. I’m still steaming about the woman who rear-ended me two weeks ago while talking on her cell phone. My car’s been in the shop since then and I just got a call saying that they might have to total it, which SUCKS because we’d finally saved up enough money to pay it off and if they total it, we’ll have to pay it off and buy another one … getting stuck with a car payment again. GRRRR!!! I did nothing wrong and I’m having to suffer for it, argh! So, all you talker-drivers out there? Please, do me a favor: Hang up and drive.