Every year one in four families are affected by mental illness yet budget cuts and stigma continue to keep people away from adequate treatment.  Every year the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) of Southern Arizona serves thousands of local residents through advocacy, support and educational programs.  All free of charge.

NAMI of Southern Arizona is just one of the many non-profits in our community that serve people with  mental illness totally free of charge.  Your donation to the organization is tax deductible and a great way to show you care in this season of giving. Please visit the website at www.namisa.org where you can easily donate on-line.

Other ways to show you care about the people in your life:  From the “World of Psychology” by John Grohol, PSYD

1. Do It, Don’t Say It.

You know that old common wisdom, “Actions speak louder than words”? Well, it’s true. While you can apologize for not doing something until you’re blue in the face, you’ll gain so much more appreciation by another in your life by simply doing it in the first place. Yes, it means you have to work harder to keep on top of things to begin with, even with simple things like taking out the trash or running that errand you said you would. But the reward is that your loved one will know you care because you just did it without being asked or reminded to do so.

2. Refuse to Argue and Pick Your Battles.

Arguments are a constant source of relationship strife, even amongst family members or friends. You may say, “How can I just stop arguing?” Easy, because engaging in a conversation with another person is a choice we make (whether we always do so consciously or not). Make a conscious effort to note when you’re entering into an argument, and then just stop. Remember, not every argument is worth engaging in — so don’t feel like you have to get into an argument just because someone else is asking for one. “Sorry, I can’t talk about this right now, let’s talk more about this later…” or “You’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry” will put a sudden halt to the argument. Which leads us to…

3. Apologize Often, Even If You’re Not Wrong.

Why should you apologize even if you’re not “wrong?” Well, it depends on your point of view. Is being “right” more important to you than your loved one’s feelings? Is being “right” something you’ll be proud of when you’re on your deathbed — “Well, hell, I may have caused her a world of hurt, but at least she knew who was right!” Apologies are simple, free, and entirely within your world of control. Handing them out just as freely and easily will, in the long-run, make you feel better and also make your loved ones feel better. It shows you care more about them rather than winning any particular (all-too-often, silly) argument. (As with all things, when taken to an extreme, this is also not particularly healthy behavior, but do know when to pick your battles.)

4. Do Something Unexpected.

Most people love a surprise, especially when that surprise is something that helps them or makes their life a little bit easier, if just for a minute. It could be as simple as a card to show appreciation “Just because,” or offering to watch the kids one night when it wasn’t your turn. It could be saying, “Hey, I’ll cook dinner tonight” or “Hey, I’ll take out the trash,” and then just doing it. Even simple actions can speak volumes, especially if the other person has had an especially difficult day. Imagine if it were your night to cook but you’ve had an especially difficult, stressful day. Your significant other knows this, and offers to cook instead. It’s a great expression of caring, even when it may seem too obvious or simple.

5. Sharing is Caring.

Sound trite? You bet it does, but guess what, it’s also true. It’s so much easier to eat the last cookie, or to get a glass of water just for yourself. But it shows you care when you offer someone else the last cookie or ask the other person if there’s anything you can get them while you’re up. Simple acts of kindness are the ones we so easily overlook in everyday life. Yet they speak volumes to others in our lives.

6. Wake Every Morning with An Appreciation for The Other Person.

Being grateful for the people and things in our lives is one of the most simple ways to achieve a sense of daily happiness. You don’t have to engage in huge displays of love or affection. Simple actions, like saying, “I love you” or packing someone’s favorite lunch may be all that’s needed. Often time, living with someone day in and day out can breed a certain familiarity (or, as the old saying goes, “contempt”). Keep that in mind, acting in a manner consistent with someone who loves another, not someone who is keeping silent score. Even if your partner never knows it, it’s a way of showing you care that can be just as important as any outward, direct display.

* * *

Showing you care to those in your life on a regular basis is more challenging than it sounds. The people we hold closest and dearest to us are often the ones we expend the least amount of effort in displays of caring and affection. Yet, most people appreciate and need the occasional display of caring.

It’s not hard, but it does take a conscious effort on our parts, and one that we may need to remember to do at least once a week, if not every day.

It’s already starting…..including right here on the Tucson Citizen site……..the man, Major Nadil Malik Hasan was “crazy.”  If you have read any of my blogs before, you know how important it is to me to try and create a world where people living with mental illnesses do not feel stigmatized and one of the first steps is to stop using horribly discrimating terms like “crazy” or “crazed.”  Yes, I agree that someone who goes on a rampage killing 12 people and wounding at least 31 others is not of sound mind, but why don’t we take a look at why this happened? 

If you believe, as I do, that mental illnesses are illness just like any other, than why was this man, who supposedly treated other people with brain disorders, not receiving treatment himself?  Did  anyone not notice how he was struggling?  According to the “God Blogging” post on this site, NPR interviewed others at Walter Reed who said he was. 

Which brings us back to the same problem, the same issues that continue to plague people with mental illness and their families.  Because of the stigma, because of the inattention by our health care system that doesn’t think the mind is part of one’s physical health, because of an overburdened mental healthcare system, because people suffering from a mental illness can feel isoloated and abandoned by their support structure, people with diagnosable brain disorders are falling through the cracks.  One again, as President Obama called this tragedy, “a horrific” catastrophe has occured in this country.

Who knows what was going on in Hasan’s head……Certainly listening to war stories from our returning Veterans experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was not an easy thing to do, but why is it that no one saw the signs, especially when he was set to deploy at the end of the month? Maybe Major Hasan will be able to shed some light on our questions.

There are times when we have all thought if that person would just change, if that person would just see my point of view, if that person understood me, things would be better.  We would get along better.  We would be happier; he would be happier, etc. etc.

 But a quote from Gandhi says it all – “I can’t change the world, but I can change myself.”

When you really think about it, he is right.  We have no control over how someone else is, but we do have control over how we are.  I use the present tense, because the present is also what matters.

 In the Family to Family class taught at the local non-profit, NAMI of Southern Arizona, participants are first taught about the reality of mental illness and the biological basis of mental illness.  Then everyone learns what it means to be empathetic and to put themselves in their loved ones shoes. It can be an emotional realization for some who have come to the class trying to cope with what can be a day to day struggle.  Parents feel guilty, siblings feel anger and children of adults with mental illness can feel abandoned, or worse. Emotions vary and people can feel like they are experiencing never ending grief after their relative is diagnosed. The young man who was going to go to Harvard now struggles to comprehend a story in the newspaper, the high powered attorney who successfully represented clients in the courtroom no longer has the confidence to speak in public, or as in Daniel Ayers case (the man with schizophrenia in the move “The Soloist,”) an incredibly gifted musician is living on the streets.

 A person’s journey with mental illness can be heart-breaking.  We want so much to help them, advise them, and convince them to take medications.  But, in reality all we can do is support and encourage them and remind them there is hope.  Recovery is a reality and once we convince ourselves of that and acknowledge that today is a present and tomorrow is just a dream and we can’t and shouldn’t force our relative into anything the dynamic changes.

 People living with mental illness need emotional support.  They need to feel like someone genuinely cares.  People with mental illness tend to isolate, so it is incumbent upon us, as people that want the best for them to be there for them and be a much needed friend.

 If you are interested in being a friend to someone with mental illness, NAMI of Southern Arizona also has a “buddy” program.  It is called “Heart to Heart” and it pairs a compassionate volunteer with a person who truly appreciates the value of friendship.

For more information, call the local office at 520-622-5582 or visit the website www.namisa.org