I’M RUBBER, YOU’RE STUPID

Raul Grijalva went public with a truly shocking Public Service Announcement yesterday.

Apparently, you can’t believe everything you read on mass-distribution political fliers from obscure Political Action Committees.

See? That’s why he’s the incumbent. Always watching out for his constituents.

SUSPICIOUS MINDS

The Tucson Weekly outed a few other dirty little political secrets this week.

The “liberal rag” — as GOP candidate Ally Miller called it — checked the fuzzy math.

The sky isn’t falling. Money isn’t missing. Debt isn’t spiraling. Taxes aren’t skyrocketing.

Oh, and Miller isn’t second-cousins with Katy Perry and doesn’t have a college boyfriend in Canada, either.

WE’VE GOT OUR F.B.EYE ON YOU

Thanks to our exemplary civil-rights reputation, the feds are sending monitors to ensure that tomorrow’s AZ elections remain voter fraud-free.

Which is kind of like handing out condoms the day after prom.

Locally, Vocally is intended to be a humorous reflection of society. Like a fun-house mirror, but snottier.

Today we wrap up Locally, Vocally’s “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium. We hope you learned something. Because we’re not sure anyone around here did.

RIO LLORENO

Well, we’ve obviously hit the “depression” stage of grief.

MUSCLE PEARCE 

Just when I think AZ politicians can’t be any worse, they go and do something like this. AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!!!

GOODNIGHT, FAX MACHINE

You’d better eat your peas, Billy.

POT SHOTS

Note to scary voices: Renew meds

Locally, Vocally makes you laugh… Locally, Vocally does not offend you… You are getting too sleepy to send hate mail…

Today we continue Summer Headlines 101 with news from Tucson’s activist scene:

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO’S NOT THERE?

MAS supporters, apparently tired of disrupting meetings, decided to instead disrupt TUSD School Board members’ home lives.

The protesters hit the streets — in particular, the street where former board president Mark Stegeman lives.

The tactic, while daring, might have been more effective if they’d checked to make sure Stegeman was home first.

CHICK-FIL-AMBUSH

You’d have to have been living under a rock to miss the local Chick-Fil-A drama last month.

Which actually sounds preferable to being associated with this guy.

ROSEMONT MINEFIELD

Local environmentalists took one on the chin this summer, with the state seizing control of air permitting for Rosemont Mine.

Tucson advocacy group Center for Biological Diversity swung back hard, convincing the US Fish & Wildlife Service to protect the (aforementioned-mine-including) habitat of an endangered species of jaguar.

Which is wise. Past experience shows that a “Save the Endangered Snail” campaign just isn’t sexy enough to get federal backing.

Meet back here on Friday for the final lecture in our Summer Headlines 101 symposium.

Locally, Vocally is a humor site devoted to absurdist journalism. Which is something I just made up.

Welcome back, you wild & crazy Cats – We’ve missed you!

Nonetheless, life in the Old Pueblo kept on keepin’ on.

So to catch you up, Locally, Vocally invites you to audit our one-week, “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium.
(Prerequisites: righteous indignation, fluency in sarcasm and/or smart-aleckery, and experience reading between lines.)

VICTORY IS MINE?

In June, nobody could quite figure out who’d “won” when the Supreme Court overturned part of SB 1070.

Well, we may not know who won, but it’s pretty clear who lost…

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ PAPERS … UNLESS THEY HAVE DEAD PRESIDENTS ON THEM

In response to the SB1070 ruling, the City Council resolved to make Tucson an “Immigrant Welcoming City” by filing a legal challenge to the bill… following a closed-session meeting and a few mysterious changes of heart.

Apparently, the threat of a torpedoed a $180 million streetcar project and massive boycott inspires all kinds of good will.

MR. BARBER GOES TO WASHINGTON

Newly elected Giffords replacement, Ron Barber, shocked the Birkenstocks off of progressive Democrats this summer. Barber bounded across party lines, siding with the GOP on legislation that suspends environmental law within 100 miles of the border and refusing to join a Democratic walk-out during the Holder contempt vote.

Seriously, yo. Folks around here took it harder than the Stewart-Pattinson breakup. #HOWCOULDYOUDOTHISRON?!

SHERIFF LOCO

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on trial last month over what is being called a long-standing pattern of civil rights violations.

Arpaio, infamous for his drastic bologna-and-underwear tactics, is charged with violating the First, Fourth, and Fourteenth Ammendments to the US Constitution, as well as the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Oh, and basic human decency.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM ACT

Governor Jan Brewer issued an executive order last week, denying AZ drivers licenses and other state benefits to DREAM Act immigrants.

While many feel the order flies in the face of the legislation’s intent, misinterprets both state and federal law, and will likely be deemed unconstitutional … it could reduce crosstown traffic.

Tune back in on Wednesday for more Summer Headlines 101

Locally, Vocally is intended as news comedy. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

EXECUTIVE DISORDER

Gov. Jan Brewer issued an executive order Wednesday, denying drivers licenses and other state benefits to “deferred action” DREAM Act immigrants — in other words, people who were brought to the U.S. as children.

To qualify for “deferred action” status, applicants must meet a few criteria:
* Possess a high school diploma or GED, or be currently enrolled in school
* Have no serious criminal record
* Honorable military discharges only
* Have lived in US consistently since 1997

Seriously… what a bunch of scumbags. We should totally keep them down.

TUSD-ISGRACEFUL

A school psychologist who was fired from TUSD after she brought light to what she called “the mistreatment of children with special needs,” says that she has documentation suggesting that TUSD intentionally hid the resultant DOE Office of Civil Rights investigation from its school board.

Former board president, Dr. Mark Stegeman, says that district staff denied any OCR findings against TUSD when he asked them about it back in July.

Gee… I wonder why Stegeman quit.

IT’S NOT THE SAME, HUH?

Poet Javier Sicilia and his Caravan for Peace with Justice and Dignity passed through Tucson yesterday to promote awareness of the human element of the War on Drugs.

I jumped upon a few peace trains back in my poet days. And come to think of it, we were kind of protesting the War on Drugs… in a way.

Fortunately, I think Sicilia’s demonstrations will probably go down in history before mine.

Locally, Vocally’s “You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is satirical commentary intended to amuse savvy, discerning readers. So of course YOU love it, you genius.

‘TIS BUT A SCRATCH

State Attorney General, Tom Horne, has been banned from intervening in the ongoing MAS battle.

Horne remains undaunted.

Locally, Vocally is intended as humorous political commentary. All perspicacity is purely coincidental.  

SU CASA ES MI CASA

MAS supporters have begun blanketing neighborhoods to make their voices heard. Specifically, the neighborhoods (and doorsteps) of TUSD board members.

You guys know that you’re powerless unless the head vampire invites you in, right?

PLEASE, SIR, MAY I HAVE A BED?

Arizona’s child-welfare ranking has fallen in again, to 46th in the nation.

Dear God… Where do Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico and Mississippi have their CPS kids sleeping?!?

JAIL HOUSE SCHLOCK

According to the American Friends Service Committee, privatizing prisons hasn’t saved Arizona taxpayers any money.

While researching the matter, a reporter’s public-information request was denied by the House Appropriations Committee, though. So I’m sure there’s nothing shady going on.

Locally, Vocally is intended as humorous news commentary. If you “don’t find my sass mouth one bit funny,” well… just be glad you’re not my mom.

**Editor’s Note: Apologies to my diligent readers! Yes, I did misspell Arpaio yesterday. So sorry. It’s been fixed. Thanks for the heads-up!

Thanks so much for your patience — I’ve been dying to dish, too!

OK… so…

SMOKEY AND THE BIGOT

Sheriff Joe is finally on trial for alleged ongoing civil rights violations that stretch back forever, and have cost taxpayers $50 million in settlement money. Not to mention most of our dignity.

Unfortunately, his Buford T. Justice haircut isn’t prosecutable.

OH, SNAP!

Recently elected Democratic sweetheart Ron Barber showed a little hand in Washington by refusing to participate in a walkout, and siding with Republicans on a liberal hot-button vote… on his first day.

I do declare, Mr. Barber. It seems you’re a politician after all.

YOU BETCHA

Sarah Palin endorses Jeff Flake.

‘Nuff said.

ONLY FOR THE BUFFALO WINGS

Frank Antenori had no comment on the question of strippers.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised: ignoring red light districts is kinda his thing…

PEARCE-ING THE VEIL

The ACLU has released emails that it calls proof that SB1070 was drafted by racist.

Next up: proof of noses on faces.

Locally, Vocally is humorous commentary. Yes it is. Yes it IS. Man, everyone’s a critic.

Gooooooooooooood morning, Tu-OOO-cSON!!!!!!!

Locally, Vocally reflects the views of the author. Don’t blame The Citizen. (In other words: “Whatever, whatever… I do what I want!”)

(US) P.S. — YOU’RE FIRED

A ragtag band of protesters stood up for local USPS workers who are about to be laid off.

What? You didn’t hear about the post office closures? ‘Cause they mailed out a letter…

BASIC INSECT

Monsoon season is upon us, bringing cooling rains, spectacular sunsets and… disgusting creepy insects that want to crawl on you while you sleep.

Can someone please teach me the emoticon for shuddering?

CHILE CON DOOBAGE

Feds seized a produce shipment in Nogales on Monday. Seems there was a marijuana stash, well… stashed… amidst some pumpkins and chiles.

Aw, man. Now my pumpkin dealer is never gonna return my texts.

Locally, Vocally is just cheeky fun. However, we strive to please. So, if you’re at all dissatisfied with the humor we have provided, please feel free to file a complaint with Pat in our human resources department at patthenonexistant@imaginarymail.com