B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2

While the war on women & capital gains cuts got way more coverage, there are a few lesser-known bills/laws that bear mentioning mocking:

I THOUGHT IT WAS A PENCIL HOLDER

College kids with prescriptions are gonna have to start hiding their bud, thanks to a new law that makes possession of marijuana on campus — regardless of medical marijuana card — a crime.

Even if you’re just holding it for a friend.

#MEANGIRLSSFAIL

Of course, without their social-anxiety meds, (see above) Millennials will have plenty of insecurity to take out on each other electronically.

Thanks to a new law, though, if the cyber-bullying goes too far, they’re “totes” going to jail.

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

AZ Senator Frank  Antenori managed to push a bill through the legislature which would have made ticketing a red-light runner more difficult.

Brewer vetoed the bill at law enforcement’s urging, who pointed out that the safety of the general public is more important than whether or not some egotistical leadfoot is late to a meeting.

INTELLIGENT DEFINE

Legislators slipped by pesky separation of church and state laws by categorizing bible study as history class. Schools can now teach students all about Old and New Testament days.

That’s right: In AZ, the bible is now a textbook.

Note to students: Henceforth, doodling in the margins will earn you both detention and cost you your eternal soul.

THE EMPEROR IS BUCK NAKED, FOLKS

AZ state workers can now be fired for their political leanings, thanks to Gov. Brewer.

At the gov’s request, legislature pushed through the new law, which also puts current state workers on the ropes: If they ever accept a promotion, they too can be fired for their vote.

Anyone willing to abandon their freedom immediately gets a kickback from state coffers.

Can we PLEASE get this woman a robe now?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE

Senator Al Melvin managed to get a bill on both the last, and next, legislative docket which, if passed, would enact state sovereignty for AZ.

In other words, Melvin wants the feds to turn over all state lands, (except military bases and national parks) for us to run.

Yeah, because nothing could possibly go wrong there.

Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is intended as humorous commentary. Individual results may vary.

For serious, comprehensive coverage of the above topics, check out the Weekly’s piece.

If you aren’t familiar with all of our new laws, I highly suggest checking out The Weekly’s coverage.

Then come back here for a laugh before you make any big decisions about calling moving vans.

Because I know… shhh… it’ll be OK… I know… I know…

LIFE BEGINS AT PMS

The crown jewel of the legislative session is a blood diamond that blocks abortion after 20 weeks – starting the first day of a woman’s last menses.

Critics argue that this will leave too little time for women to make a decision regarding abortion if birth defects are detected – potentially the same bizarre-o birth defects that lead GOP leaders to think that pregnant women need Kotex.

CONGRATULATIONS, IT’S A CEREBUS!

Of course, because doctors in AZ no longer have to tell you if prenatal tests show potential birth defects in your fetus, the above should be a non-issue.

Yup.

Thanks to the AZ Legislature, you can no longer sue the doc who failed to mention that your unborn child is actually a demon dog with three heads. (Mythologically speaking.)

Note to self: Check gyno’s political affiliation.

MONEY (FOR THE POOR) IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

C’mon people, we all know that low-income women don’t deserve to choose their own doctors.

And something had to be done about those hippie instigators who perpetuate the illusion that they do.

So, in a kick straight to the bazongas, the AZ Leg blocked federal funds (including Medicaid) to health-care organizations that provide abortion services.

Most notably affected is Planned Parenthood – which provides many low-cost health services besides abortion… for example, cancer screenings and prenatal care.

But, to really drive that last nail into the coffer, legislators also felt it necessary to strip Planned Parenthood supporters of tax credits worth up to a whopping $200.

Because anyone giving money to ensure that low-income women are healthy obviously just does it for the payout.

CHURCH AND SHAME

Thumbing their noses at one of the tenets of our nation, AZ lawmakers decided for us all that religion trumps democracy.

When it comes to your uterus, state law now sides with your CEO’s church.

“Religiously affiliated” employers – in other words, any company that donates a percentage of its profits to a religious group – can legally deny AZ workers health care coverage for contraception.

But did the hussy hunt stop there?

Oh, Jane, you ignorant…

The law also rescinds phrasing in state law that makes it illegal for your employer to fire you for using birth control — even if you pay for it yourself.  

But surely the new law requires employers to tell you their position on all of this before you agree to take a job with them, right?

Wrong.

Frankly, I’m surprised this even got through Congress, as it’ll definitely make seducing interns harder.

*Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” is intended as humorous commentary. In other words, if you’re genuinely offended, you’re reading it wrong.

Tune in Friday for “B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2”