Read: B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 1

B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2

While the war on women & capital gains cuts got way more coverage, there are a few lesser-known bills/laws that bear mentioning mocking:

I THOUGHT IT WAS A PENCIL HOLDER

College kids with prescriptions are gonna have to start hiding their bud, thanks to a new law that makes possession of marijuana on campus — regardless of medical marijuana card — a crime.

Even if you’re just holding it for a friend.

#MEANGIRLSSFAIL

Of course, without their social-anxiety meds, (see above) Millennials will have plenty of insecurity to take out on each other electronically.

Thanks to a new law, though, if the cyber-bullying goes too far, they’re “totes” going to jail.

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

AZ Senator Frank  Antenori managed to push a bill through the legislature which would have made ticketing a red-light runner more difficult.

Brewer vetoed the bill at law enforcement’s urging, who pointed out that the safety of the general public is more important than whether or not some egotistical leadfoot is late to a meeting.

INTELLIGENT DEFINE

Legislators slipped by pesky separation of church and state laws by categorizing bible study as history class. Schools can now teach students all about Old and New Testament days.

That’s right: In AZ, the bible is now a textbook.

Note to students: Henceforth, doodling in the margins will earn you both detention and cost you your eternal soul.

THE EMPEROR IS BUCK NAKED, FOLKS

AZ state workers can now be fired for their political leanings, thanks to Gov. Brewer.

At the gov’s request, legislature pushed through the new law, which also puts current state workers on the ropes: If they ever accept a promotion, they too can be fired for their vote.

Anyone willing to abandon their freedom immediately gets a kickback from state coffers.

Can we PLEASE get this woman a robe now?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE

Senator Al Melvin managed to get a bill on both the last, and next, legislative docket which, if passed, would enact state sovereignty for AZ.

In other words, Melvin wants the feds to turn over all state lands, (except military bases and national parks) for us to run.

Yeah, because nothing could possibly go wrong there.

Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is intended as humorous commentary. Individual results may vary.

For serious, comprehensive coverage of the above topics, check out the Weekly’s piece.

*Blogger’s note: I was late in getting this post up on Friday, so I’ll be leaving it up through Tuesday to allow my work-week readers a chance to see it. Holiday weekend and all…
For those of you who’ve come looking for “The Seen” — I’m sure you’re horribly disappointed, so I’ll make it up to you with a bigger, better, more Tucson-tastic Seen next week. (Hint: I’m learning to use photo software from this millennium!)
Thanks for not going all Metta World Peace on me.

THE KEVLAR-TEEN RABBIT

Arizona’s legislators didn’t just level the big guns on women this term — helpless animals, too, should watch their backs.

It is now legal for hunters in Arizona to use automatic weapons, silencers, and armor-piercing ammunition to stealthily rid the desert of wildlife that’s just too dang amalgamated.

Of course, the animals do have home-court advantage, so I suppose those poor hunters had to level the playing field somehow. Besides, you know the old hunter’s creed: “Leave no part of the animal identifiable.”

IN THE WEE, SMALL HOURS

An extremely-last-minute push of heavily amended legislation resulted in huge tax breaks for AZ’s richest corporations and individuals.

Opponents pointed out that a few hours isn’t really long enough to review what was essentially a whole new bill, but lawmakers couldn’t hear the complaints over the sound of campaign finance reform’s death rattle.

LITTERBUG PERFUME

Another big win for big business was what opponents call the “Polluter Protection Act” – essentially a force-field of indemnity for environmental offenders. In plain English, the new law says pollution ain’t a crime if you admit to it & promise to clean it up.

Admit it to the government, that is. We The People aren’t privy to that information anymore.

You know, until we start turning orange.

BRIGHT LIGHTS, MIDDLE FINGER

Star-gazers are scratching their collective astronomical map over a new law that permits electronic billboards along AZ highways.

Brewer vetoed a broader version of the bill only months ago, claiming it could hurt the astronomy industry. She now think that 75 miles is enough dark zone to surround telescopes that can see other galaxies.

Which means that Tucson might soon lose even more of its brightest minds, as aspiring young scientists find more and more reasons to leave in droves.

But on their way out of town, they just might be lured into seeing The Beach Boys at AVA Ampitheater.

So I guess we’ll just have to look on the bright side. Literally.

“B-B-B-Brewer and the Leg” is SO going to require a Part 3.  Stay tuned!

If you missed “B-B-B-Brewer and the Leg: Part One”

If you want to read real coverage of Arizona’s recent legislative session.

Locally, Vocally is just political satire. Don’t get your skivvies in a twist.

So, watching the AZ Legislature’s theatre de l’absurde this session has been extremely gratifying for me… as a satirist.

If you aren’t familiar with all of our new laws, I highly suggest checking out The Weekly’s coverage.

Then come back here for a laugh before you make any big decisions about calling moving vans.

Because I know… shhh… it’ll be OK… I know… I know…

LIFE BEGINS AT PMS

The crown jewel of the legislative session is a blood diamond that blocks abortion after 20 weeks – starting the first day of a woman’s last menses.

Critics argue that this will leave too little time for women to make a decision regarding abortion if birth defects are detected – potentially the same bizarre-o birth defects that lead GOP leaders to think that pregnant women need Kotex.

CONGRATULATIONS, IT’S A CEREBUS!

Of course, because doctors in AZ no longer have to tell you if prenatal tests show potential birth defects in your fetus, the above should be a non-issue.

Yup.

Thanks to the AZ Legislature, you can no longer sue the doc who failed to mention that your unborn child is actually a demon dog with three heads. (Mythologically speaking.)

Note to self: Check gyno’s political affiliation.

MONEY (FOR THE POOR) IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

C’mon people, we all know that low-income women don’t deserve to choose their own doctors.

And something had to be done about those hippie instigators who perpetuate the illusion that they do.

So, in a kick straight to the bazongas, the AZ Leg blocked federal funds (including Medicaid) to health-care organizations that provide abortion services.

Most notably affected is Planned Parenthood – which provides many low-cost health services besides abortion… for example, cancer screenings and prenatal care.

But, to really drive that last nail into the coffer, legislators also felt it necessary to strip Planned Parenthood supporters of tax credits worth up to a whopping $200.

Because anyone giving money to ensure that low-income women are healthy obviously just does it for the payout.

CHURCH AND SHAME

Thumbing their noses at one of the tenets of our nation, AZ lawmakers decided for us all that religion trumps democracy.

When it comes to your uterus, state law now sides with your CEO’s church.

“Religiously affiliated” employers – in other words, any company that donates a percentage of its profits to a religious group – can legally deny AZ workers health care coverage for contraception.

But did the hussy hunt stop there?

Oh, Jane, you ignorant…

The law also rescinds phrasing in state law that makes it illegal for your employer to fire you for using birth control — even if you pay for it yourself.  

But surely the new law requires employers to tell you their position on all of this before you agree to take a job with them, right?

Wrong.

Frankly, I’m surprised this even got through Congress, as it’ll definitely make seducing interns harder.

*Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” is intended as humorous commentary. In other words, if you’re genuinely offended, you’re reading it wrong.

Tune in Friday for “B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2”