Today we wrap up Locally, Vocally’s “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium. We hope you learned something. Because we’re not sure anyone around here did.

RIO LLORENO

Well, we’ve obviously hit the “depression” stage of grief.

MUSCLE PEARCE 

Just when I think AZ politicians can’t be any worse, they go and do something like this. AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!!!

GOODNIGHT, FAX MACHINE

You’d better eat your peas, Billy.

POT SHOTS

Note to scary voices: Renew meds

Locally, Vocally makes you laugh… Locally, Vocally does not offend you… You are getting too sleepy to send hate mail…

MAS supporters have begun blanketing neighborhoods to make their voices heard. Specifically, the neighborhoods (and doorsteps) of TUSD board members.

You guys know that you’re powerless unless the head vampire invites you in, right?

PLEASE, SIR, MAY I HAVE A BED?

Arizona’s child-welfare ranking has fallen in again, to 46th in the nation.

Dear God… Where do Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico and Mississippi have their CPS kids sleeping?!?

JAIL HOUSE SCHLOCK

According to the American Friends Service Committee, privatizing prisons hasn’t saved Arizona taxpayers any money.

While researching the matter, a reporter’s public-information request was denied by the House Appropriations Committee, though. So I’m sure there’s nothing shady going on.

Locally, Vocally is intended as humorous news commentary. If you “don’t find my sass mouth one bit funny,” well… just be glad you’re not my mom.

DEBATE IN THE 8

OK, so it doesn’t have the ring of “Thrilla in Manilla” but the candidates to fill the Giffords seat here in Congressional District 8 are getting ready to rumble… moderator-style.

KUAT (channel 6) will run a pre-taped candidate forum tonight (Wed 5.16) at 6 pm.

Kelly and Barber will then face off in a live, open-to-the-public debate next Wednesday (5.23) at 7 pm.

The main mud-slinging so far has revolved around which candidate is covertly planning to rob senior citizens of their Medicare and Social Security. Because obviously someone is going to steal it.

So, if you haven’t yet decided by whom you’d prefer your grandma be fleeced, I suggest tuning in.

PRECIOUS LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

State Attorney General, Tom Horne — who used to run AZ’s schools, btw — filed a motion for authorization to intervene in the design of TUSD’s new ethnic studies program.

Apparently psychic, Horne is poised to swoop in, brandishing the double-edged Excalibur of state -vs- local law, because the TUSD curriculum will inevitably feature classes like “Smuggling 101″ and “How to Overthrow El Diablo Blanco.”

SALLIE WHO CALLED?

UA churned out more than 5,000 grads this spring.

Wait, wait… I got this:

There are so few jobs out there, the unemployment line looks like Hands Across America.

So many college kids are trying to move back in with their parents, Home Depot started selling moats.

College kids are about to be so broke, they’re gonna have to sell their ironic tattoos.

But seriously, Class of 2012, congratulations. And good luck…

What?

No, sorry. I’m not hiring right now. But I’ll keep you on file.

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE AN UMBRELLA?

Well, we have a state budget.

What we don’t have is money for our parks, or for KidsCare, or the rest of our hippie nonsense.

There is plenty of dough in the “rainy day” fund, though. Which I’m sure will be waiting there for us when we actually need it.

FASTEST POISON PEN IN THE WEST

Governor Brewer has been busy scratching out the GOP manifesto lately.

Recently, she’s signed legislation protecting pious health-care providers, tax evaders, and the Über Rich. But she is finally standing up for dead babies.

So we’ve  finally, finally got that going for us … which is nice.

Disclaimer: Locally, Vocally is a humorous commentary blog. Obviously, nothing here should be considered “real news,” blamed on The Citizen, or taken personally. Namaste.