Welcome back, you wild & crazy Cats – We’ve missed you!

Nonetheless, life in the Old Pueblo kept on keepin’ on.

So to catch you up, Locally, Vocally invites you to audit our one-week, “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium.
(Prerequisites: righteous indignation, fluency in sarcasm and/or smart-aleckery, and experience reading between lines.)

VICTORY IS MINE?

In June, nobody could quite figure out who’d “won” when the Supreme Court overturned part of SB 1070.

Well, we may not know who won, but it’s pretty clear who lost…

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ PAPERS … UNLESS THEY HAVE DEAD PRESIDENTS ON THEM

In response to the SB1070 ruling, the City Council resolved to make Tucson an “Immigrant Welcoming City” by filing a legal challenge to the bill… following a closed-session meeting and a few mysterious changes of heart.

Apparently, the threat of a torpedoed a $180 million streetcar project and massive boycott inspires all kinds of good will.

MR. BARBER GOES TO WASHINGTON

Newly elected Giffords replacement, Ron Barber, shocked the Birkenstocks off of progressive Democrats this summer. Barber bounded across party lines, siding with the GOP on legislation that suspends environmental law within 100 miles of the border and refusing to join a Democratic walk-out during the Holder contempt vote.

Seriously, yo. Folks around here took it harder than the Stewart-Pattinson breakup. #HOWCOULDYOUDOTHISRON?!

SHERIFF LOCO

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on trial last month over what is being called a long-standing pattern of civil rights violations.

Arpaio, infamous for his drastic bologna-and-underwear tactics, is charged with violating the First, Fourth, and Fourteenth Ammendments to the US Constitution, as well as the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Oh, and basic human decency.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM ACT

Governor Jan Brewer issued an executive order last week, denying AZ drivers licenses and other state benefits to DREAM Act immigrants.

While many feel the order flies in the face of the legislation’s intent, misinterprets both state and federal law, and will likely be deemed unconstitutional … it could reduce crosstown traffic.

Tune back in on Wednesday for more Summer Headlines 101

Locally, Vocally is intended as news comedy. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

There’s NOTHING more “Tucson” than Summer Hours. They just make sense. Sure, they can be mildly annoying and inconvenient, but, c’mon, man… it’s HOT. We’re all tired and sweaty. We just want to go home, take a cool shower and sit in front of a fan. If it weren’t for the get-out-of-triple-digit-jail-free card that is Summer Hours, we’d lose our ever-lovin’ minds all over each other. Believe that.

So, in the spirit of maintaining harmony & order, I give you:

Locally, Vocally Summer Hours

Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays — Open by noon (-ish) with an abbreviated version of You’ve Gotta Laugh.

Tuesdays & Thursdays — A little somethin’-somethin’ at some point. (Probably. Unless it’s a particularly nice day, as I am known to wander off.) Maybe it’ll be an event listing, maybe a cool article link, maybe a restaurant/business review… you never know.

Weekends — The Seen, as usual, since I can’t help taking pictures everywhere I go anyway…

Anytime — Check out the Locally, Vocally Facebook page. Links to my posts, plus other cool stuff that doesn’t make it onto the blog for one reason or another. You can also follow me on Twitter — you’ll get a tweet every time I post… no guesswork!

Thanks for your patience — we’ve gotta stick together ’till those temps come back down.

Now, without further ado: You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little

MINOR CORRECTION

A Starnet article on Saturday left out just one teeny little part of CD2 candidate Ron Barber’s statement regarding the DREAM Act — so running a teeny little correction admitting the editorialization was fair, right?

The omitted statement?

That securing the border & fixing the immigration system are crucial to both AZ & the nation.

Oh. Sure. That’s no big deal.

ROADS TO NOWHERE

City Council is tinkering with the idea of fixing our roads. By upping our property taxes.

To raise the necessary $100 million (Actually, by one council member’s estimate, we need more like $800 mil, but let’s not split $7M hairs, shall we?) the city would need voters to approve a bond issue.

On the heels of squandering untold millions of voters’ Rio Nuevo bond dollars.

Can you hear this, council? Want us to turn it up?

MAY WE SEE YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE?

Local police are on the lookout for a man and woman who have been going around impersonating law enforcement officers.

The duo has stopped a bunch of motorists in the last few months, issuing verbal warnings and even breaking up a fight.

Not exactly the kind of vigilante law we’re used to here in the wild, wild West, eh?

Locally, Vocally’s “You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is intended as humorous commentary, and is not recommended for use by the sarcastically-impaired.