Nonetheless, life in the Old Pueblo kept on keepin’ on.

So to catch you up, Locally, Vocally invites you to audit our one-week, “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium.
(Prerequisites: righteous indignation, fluency in sarcasm and/or smart-aleckery, and experience reading between lines.)

VICTORY IS MINE?

In June, nobody could quite figure out who’d “won” when the Supreme Court overturned part of SB 1070.

Well, we may not know who won, but it’s pretty clear who lost…

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ PAPERS … UNLESS THEY HAVE DEAD PRESIDENTS ON THEM

In response to the SB1070 ruling, the City Council resolved to make Tucson an “Immigrant Welcoming City” by filing a legal challenge to the bill… following a closed-session meeting and a few mysterious changes of heart.

Apparently, the threat of a torpedoed a $180 million streetcar project and massive boycott inspires all kinds of good will.

MR. BARBER GOES TO WASHINGTON

Newly elected Giffords replacement, Ron Barber, shocked the Birkenstocks off of progressive Democrats this summer. Barber bounded across party lines, siding with the GOP on legislation that suspends environmental law within 100 miles of the border and refusing to join a Democratic walk-out during the Holder contempt vote.

Seriously, yo. Folks around here took it harder than the Stewart-Pattinson breakup. #HOWCOULDYOUDOTHISRON?!

SHERIFF LOCO

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on trial last month over what is being called a long-standing pattern of civil rights violations.

Arpaio, infamous for his drastic bologna-and-underwear tactics, is charged with violating the First, Fourth, and Fourteenth Ammendments to the US Constitution, as well as the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Oh, and basic human decency.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM ACT

Governor Jan Brewer issued an executive order last week, denying AZ drivers licenses and other state benefits to DREAM Act immigrants.

While many feel the order flies in the face of the legislation’s intent, misinterprets both state and federal law, and will likely be deemed unconstitutional … it could reduce crosstown traffic.

Tune back in on Wednesday for more Summer Headlines 101

Locally, Vocally is intended as news comedy. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Gov. Jan Brewer issued an executive order Wednesday, denying drivers licenses and other state benefits to “deferred action” DREAM Act immigrants — in other words, people who were brought to the U.S. as children.

To qualify for “deferred action” status, applicants must meet a few criteria:
* Possess a high school diploma or GED, or be currently enrolled in school
* Have no serious criminal record
* Honorable military discharges only
* Have lived in US consistently since 1997

Seriously… what a bunch of scumbags. We should totally keep them down.

TUSD-ISGRACEFUL

A school psychologist who was fired from TUSD after she brought light to what she called “the mistreatment of children with special needs,” says that she has documentation suggesting that TUSD intentionally hid the resultant DOE Office of Civil Rights investigation from its school board.

Former board president, Dr. Mark Stegeman, says that district staff denied any OCR findings against TUSD when he asked them about it back in July.

Gee… I wonder why Stegeman quit.

IT’S NOT THE SAME, HUH?

Poet Javier Sicilia and his Caravan for Peace with Justice and Dignity passed through Tucson yesterday to promote awareness of the human element of the War on Drugs.

I jumped upon a few peace trains back in my poet days. And come to think of it, we were kind of protesting the War on Drugs… in a way.

Fortunately, I think Sicilia’s demonstrations will probably go down in history before mine.

Locally, Vocally’s “You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is satirical commentary intended to amuse savvy, discerning readers. So of course YOU love it, you genius.

IT AIN’T WHITE BOY DAY

Jesse Kelly is licking his wounds after last night’s concession call to CD8 victor, Ron Barber.

Kelly admitted defeat around 10pm, when poll numbers indicated that Barber couldn’t even see Kelly in his rearview mirror anymore.

After thanking his supporters, Kelly went home.

Because that’s the way it goes.

But with Kelly likely to also run for the CD2 seat,  don’t forget: Every once in a while, it goes the other way, too.

CEMENT SHOES?

A Rio Nuevo board member — one of only 2 originals remaining, btw — made an impassioned, 45-minutes speech at last night’s meeting, calling the recent string of Rio board oustings a conspiracy to cover up massive corruption and misspending of Tucsonans’ TIF money.

The speech leveled accusation at the Senate President, Speaker of the House, city attorney, local businessmen, at least one board member, and the Daily Star.

And it included a bit about how The City is too incompetent to find millions of missing taxpayer dollars.

Oh, if only I weren’t already married…

PROFILES IN CURBAGE

Gov. Brewer has officially updated her directive on what is considered, under SB 1070, “reasonable cause” for detaining or arresting potential illegals. (The controversial legislation is currently being looked at by the Supreme Court, with a ruling at hand.)

Now, Brewer says, officers in AZ can’t pull someone over just for looking foreign. Suspects must now meet other criteria as well… like sounding foreign and acting foreign.

Smelling foreign was not addressed.

Locally, Vocally’s “Check Out My Briefs” is intended as humorous commentary. If it didn’t make you laugh, try reading it drunk. 

B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2

While the war on women & capital gains cuts got way more coverage, there are a few lesser-known bills/laws that bear mentioning mocking:

I THOUGHT IT WAS A PENCIL HOLDER

College kids with prescriptions are gonna have to start hiding their bud, thanks to a new law that makes possession of marijuana on campus — regardless of medical marijuana card — a crime.

Even if you’re just holding it for a friend.

#MEANGIRLSSFAIL

Of course, without their social-anxiety meds, (see above) Millennials will have plenty of insecurity to take out on each other electronically.

Thanks to a new law, though, if the cyber-bullying goes too far, they’re “totes” going to jail.

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

AZ Senator Frank  Antenori managed to push a bill through the legislature which would have made ticketing a red-light runner more difficult.

Brewer vetoed the bill at law enforcement’s urging, who pointed out that the safety of the general public is more important than whether or not some egotistical leadfoot is late to a meeting.

INTELLIGENT DEFINE

Legislators slipped by pesky separation of church and state laws by categorizing bible study as history class. Schools can now teach students all about Old and New Testament days.

That’s right: In AZ, the bible is now a textbook.

Note to students: Henceforth, doodling in the margins will earn you both detention and cost you your eternal soul.

THE EMPEROR IS BUCK NAKED, FOLKS

AZ state workers can now be fired for their political leanings, thanks to Gov. Brewer.

At the gov’s request, legislature pushed through the new law, which also puts current state workers on the ropes: If they ever accept a promotion, they too can be fired for their vote.

Anyone willing to abandon their freedom immediately gets a kickback from state coffers.

Can we PLEASE get this woman a robe now?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE

Senator Al Melvin managed to get a bill on both the last, and next, legislative docket which, if passed, would enact state sovereignty for AZ.

In other words, Melvin wants the feds to turn over all state lands, (except military bases and national parks) for us to run.

Yeah, because nothing could possibly go wrong there.

Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is intended as humorous commentary. Individual results may vary.

For serious, comprehensive coverage of the above topics, check out the Weekly’s piece.