Welcome back, you wild & crazy Cats – We’ve missed you!

Nonetheless, life in the Old Pueblo kept on keepin’ on.

So to catch you up, Locally, Vocally invites you to audit our one-week, “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium.
(Prerequisites: righteous indignation, fluency in sarcasm and/or smart-aleckery, and experience reading between lines.)

VICTORY IS MINE?

In June, nobody could quite figure out who’d “won” when the Supreme Court overturned part of SB 1070.

Well, we may not know who won, but it’s pretty clear who lost…

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ PAPERS … UNLESS THEY HAVE DEAD PRESIDENTS ON THEM

In response to the SB1070 ruling, the City Council resolved to make Tucson an “Immigrant Welcoming City” by filing a legal challenge to the bill… following a closed-session meeting and a few mysterious changes of heart.

Apparently, the threat of a torpedoed a $180 million streetcar project and massive boycott inspires all kinds of good will.

MR. BARBER GOES TO WASHINGTON

Newly elected Giffords replacement, Ron Barber, shocked the Birkenstocks off of progressive Democrats this summer. Barber bounded across party lines, siding with the GOP on legislation that suspends environmental law within 100 miles of the border and refusing to join a Democratic walk-out during the Holder contempt vote.

Seriously, yo. Folks around here took it harder than the Stewart-Pattinson breakup. #HOWCOULDYOUDOTHISRON?!

SHERIFF LOCO

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on trial last month over what is being called a long-standing pattern of civil rights violations.

Arpaio, infamous for his drastic bologna-and-underwear tactics, is charged with violating the First, Fourth, and Fourteenth Ammendments to the US Constitution, as well as the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Oh, and basic human decency.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM ACT

Governor Jan Brewer issued an executive order last week, denying AZ drivers licenses and other state benefits to DREAM Act immigrants.

While many feel the order flies in the face of the legislation’s intent, misinterprets both state and federal law, and will likely be deemed unconstitutional … it could reduce crosstown traffic.

Tune back in on Wednesday for more Summer Headlines 101

Locally, Vocally is intended as news comedy. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

EXECUTIVE DISORDER

Gov. Jan Brewer issued an executive order Wednesday, denying drivers licenses and other state benefits to “deferred action” DREAM Act immigrants — in other words, people who were brought to the U.S. as children.

To qualify for “deferred action” status, applicants must meet a few criteria:
* Possess a high school diploma or GED, or be currently enrolled in school
* Have no serious criminal record
* Honorable military discharges only
* Have lived in US consistently since 1997

Seriously… what a bunch of scumbags. We should totally keep them down.

TUSD-ISGRACEFUL

A school psychologist who was fired from TUSD after she brought light to what she called “the mistreatment of children with special needs,” says that she has documentation suggesting that TUSD intentionally hid the resultant DOE Office of Civil Rights investigation from its school board.

Former board president, Dr. Mark Stegeman, says that district staff denied any OCR findings against TUSD when he asked them about it back in July.

Gee… I wonder why Stegeman quit.

IT’S NOT THE SAME, HUH?

Poet Javier Sicilia and his Caravan for Peace with Justice and Dignity passed through Tucson yesterday to promote awareness of the human element of the War on Drugs.

I jumped upon a few peace trains back in my poet days. And come to think of it, we were kind of protesting the War on Drugs… in a way.

Fortunately, I think Sicilia’s demonstrations will probably go down in history before mine.

Locally, Vocally’s “You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is satirical commentary intended to amuse savvy, discerning readers. So of course YOU love it, you genius.

IT AIN’T WHITE BOY DAY

Jesse Kelly is licking his wounds after last night’s concession call to CD8 victor, Ron Barber.

Kelly admitted defeat around 10pm, when poll numbers indicated that Barber couldn’t even see Kelly in his rearview mirror anymore.

After thanking his supporters, Kelly went home.

Because that’s the way it goes.

But with Kelly likely to also run for the CD2 seat,  don’t forget: Every once in a while, it goes the other way, too.

CEMENT SHOES?

A Rio Nuevo board member — one of only 2 originals remaining, btw — made an impassioned, 45-minutes speech at last night’s meeting, calling the recent string of Rio board oustings a conspiracy to cover up massive corruption and misspending of Tucsonans’ TIF money.

The speech leveled accusation at the Senate President, Speaker of the House, city attorney, local businessmen, at least one board member, and the Daily Star.

And it included a bit about how The City is too incompetent to find millions of missing taxpayer dollars.

Oh, if only I weren’t already married…

PROFILES IN CURBAGE

Gov. Brewer has officially updated her directive on what is considered, under SB 1070, “reasonable cause” for detaining or arresting potential illegals. (The controversial legislation is currently being looked at by the Supreme Court, with a ruling at hand.)

Now, Brewer says, officers in AZ can’t pull someone over just for looking foreign. Suspects must now meet other criteria as well… like sounding foreign and acting foreign.

Smelling foreign was not addressed.

Locally, Vocally’s “Check Out My Briefs” is intended as humorous commentary. If it didn’t make you laugh, try reading it drunk. 

*Blogger’s note: I was late in getting this post up on Friday, so I’ll be leaving it up through Tuesday to allow my work-week readers a chance to see it. Holiday weekend and all…
For those of you who’ve come looking for “The Seen” — I’m sure you’re horribly disappointed, so I’ll make it up to you with a bigger, better, more Tucson-tastic Seen next week. (Hint: I’m learning to use photo software from this millennium!)
Thanks for not going all Metta World Peace on me.

THE KEVLAR-TEEN RABBIT

Arizona’s legislators didn’t just level the big guns on women this term — helpless animals, too, should watch their backs.

It is now legal for hunters in Arizona to use automatic weapons, silencers, and armor-piercing ammunition to stealthily rid the desert of wildlife that’s just too dang amalgamated.

Of course, the animals do have home-court advantage, so I suppose those poor hunters had to level the playing field somehow. Besides, you know the old hunter’s creed: “Leave no part of the animal identifiable.”

IN THE WEE, SMALL HOURS

An extremely-last-minute push of heavily amended legislation resulted in huge tax breaks for AZ’s richest corporations and individuals.

Opponents pointed out that a few hours isn’t really long enough to review what was essentially a whole new bill, but lawmakers couldn’t hear the complaints over the sound of campaign finance reform’s death rattle.

LITTERBUG PERFUME

Another big win for big business was what opponents call the “Polluter Protection Act” – essentially a force-field of indemnity for environmental offenders. In plain English, the new law says pollution ain’t a crime if you admit to it & promise to clean it up.

Admit it to the government, that is. We The People aren’t privy to that information anymore.

You know, until we start turning orange.

BRIGHT LIGHTS, MIDDLE FINGER

Star-gazers are scratching their collective astronomical map over a new law that permits electronic billboards along AZ highways.

Brewer vetoed a broader version of the bill only months ago, claiming it could hurt the astronomy industry. She now think that 75 miles is enough dark zone to surround telescopes that can see other galaxies.

Which means that Tucson might soon lose even more of its brightest minds, as aspiring young scientists find more and more reasons to leave in droves.

But on their way out of town, they just might be lured into seeing The Beach Boys at AVA Ampitheater.

So I guess we’ll just have to look on the bright side. Literally.

“B-B-B-Brewer and the Leg” is SO going to require a Part 3.  Stay tuned!

If you missed “B-B-B-Brewer and the Leg: Part One”

If you want to read real coverage of Arizona’s recent legislative session.

Locally, Vocally is just political satire. Don’t get your skivvies in a twist.

So, watching the AZ Legislature’s theatre de l’absurde this session has been extremely gratifying for me… as a satirist.

If you aren’t familiar with all of our new laws, I highly suggest checking out The Weekly’s coverage.

Then come back here for a laugh before you make any big decisions about calling moving vans.

Because I know… shhh… it’ll be OK… I know… I know…

LIFE BEGINS AT PMS

The crown jewel of the legislative session is a blood diamond that blocks abortion after 20 weeks – starting the first day of a woman’s last menses.

Critics argue that this will leave too little time for women to make a decision regarding abortion if birth defects are detected – potentially the same bizarre-o birth defects that lead GOP leaders to think that pregnant women need Kotex.

CONGRATULATIONS, IT’S A CEREBUS!

Of course, because doctors in AZ no longer have to tell you if prenatal tests show potential birth defects in your fetus, the above should be a non-issue.

Yup.

Thanks to the AZ Legislature, you can no longer sue the doc who failed to mention that your unborn child is actually a demon dog with three heads. (Mythologically speaking.)

Note to self: Check gyno’s political affiliation.

MONEY (FOR THE POOR) IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

C’mon people, we all know that low-income women don’t deserve to choose their own doctors.

And something had to be done about those hippie instigators who perpetuate the illusion that they do.

So, in a kick straight to the bazongas, the AZ Leg blocked federal funds (including Medicaid) to health-care organizations that provide abortion services.

Most notably affected is Planned Parenthood – which provides many low-cost health services besides abortion… for example, cancer screenings and prenatal care.

But, to really drive that last nail into the coffer, legislators also felt it necessary to strip Planned Parenthood supporters of tax credits worth up to a whopping $200.

Because anyone giving money to ensure that low-income women are healthy obviously just does it for the payout.

CHURCH AND SHAME

Thumbing their noses at one of the tenets of our nation, AZ lawmakers decided for us all that religion trumps democracy.

When it comes to your uterus, state law now sides with your CEO’s church.

“Religiously affiliated” employers – in other words, any company that donates a percentage of its profits to a religious group – can legally deny AZ workers health care coverage for contraception.

But did the hussy hunt stop there?

Oh, Jane, you ignorant…

The law also rescinds phrasing in state law that makes it illegal for your employer to fire you for using birth control — even if you pay for it yourself.  

But surely the new law requires employers to tell you their position on all of this before you agree to take a job with them, right?

Wrong.

Frankly, I’m surprised this even got through Congress, as it’ll definitely make seducing interns harder.

*Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” is intended as humorous commentary. In other words, if you’re genuinely offended, you’re reading it wrong.

Tune in Friday for “B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2”

5.16.2012

DEBATE IN THE 8

OK, so it doesn’t have the ring of “Thrilla in Manilla” but the candidates to fill the Giffords seat here in Congressional District 8 are getting ready to rumble… moderator-style.

KUAT (channel 6) will run a pre-taped candidate forum tonight (Wed 5.16) at 6 pm.

Kelly and Barber will then face off in a live, open-to-the-public debate next Wednesday (5.23) at 7 pm.

The main mud-slinging so far has revolved around which candidate is covertly planning to rob senior citizens of their Medicare and Social Security. Because obviously someone is going to steal it.

So, if you haven’t yet decided by whom you’d prefer your grandma be fleeced, I suggest tuning in.

PRECIOUS LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

State Attorney General, Tom Horne — who used to run AZ’s schools, btw — filed a motion for authorization to intervene in the design of TUSD’s new ethnic studies program.

Apparently psychic, Horne is poised to swoop in, brandishing the double-edged Excalibur of state -vs- local law, because the TUSD curriculum will inevitably feature classes like “Smuggling 101″ and “How to Overthrow El Diablo Blanco.”

SALLIE WHO CALLED?

UA churned out more than 5,000 grads this spring.

Wait, wait… I got this:

There are so few jobs out there, the unemployment line looks like Hands Across America.

So many college kids are trying to move back in with their parents, Home Depot started selling moats.

College kids are about to be so broke, they’re gonna have to sell their ironic tattoos.

But seriously, Class of 2012, congratulations. And good luck…

What?

No, sorry. I’m not hiring right now. But I’ll keep you on file.

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE AN UMBRELLA?

Well, we have a state budget.

What we don’t have is money for our parks, or for KidsCare, or the rest of our hippie nonsense.

There is plenty of dough in the “rainy day” fund, though. Which I’m sure will be waiting there for us when we actually need it.

FASTEST POISON PEN IN THE WEST

Governor Brewer has been busy scratching out the GOP manifesto lately.

Recently, she’s signed legislation protecting pious health-care providers, tax evaders, and the Über Rich. But she is finally standing up for dead babies.

So we’ve  finally, finally got that going for us … which is nice.

Disclaimer: Locally, Vocally is a humorous commentary blog. Obviously, nothing here should be considered “real news,” blamed on The Citizen, or taken personally. Namaste.