Read: B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 1

B-B-B-Brewer And The Leg: Part 2

While the war on women & capital gains cuts got way more coverage, there are a few lesser-known bills/laws that bear mentioning mocking:

I THOUGHT IT WAS A PENCIL HOLDER

College kids with prescriptions are gonna have to start hiding their bud, thanks to a new law that makes possession of marijuana on campus — regardless of medical marijuana card — a crime.

Even if you’re just holding it for a friend.

#MEANGIRLSSFAIL

Of course, without their social-anxiety meds, (see above) Millennials will have plenty of insecurity to take out on each other electronically.

Thanks to a new law, though, if the cyber-bullying goes too far, they’re “totes” going to jail.

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

AZ Senator Frank  Antenori managed to push a bill through the legislature which would have made ticketing a red-light runner more difficult.

Brewer vetoed the bill at law enforcement’s urging, who pointed out that the safety of the general public is more important than whether or not some egotistical leadfoot is late to a meeting.

INTELLIGENT DEFINE

Legislators slipped by pesky separation of church and state laws by categorizing bible study as history class. Schools can now teach students all about Old and New Testament days.

That’s right: In AZ, the bible is now a textbook.

Note to students: Henceforth, doodling in the margins will earn you both detention and cost you your eternal soul.

THE EMPEROR IS BUCK NAKED, FOLKS

AZ state workers can now be fired for their political leanings, thanks to Gov. Brewer.

At the gov’s request, legislature pushed through the new law, which also puts current state workers on the ropes: If they ever accept a promotion, they too can be fired for their vote.

Anyone willing to abandon their freedom immediately gets a kickback from state coffers.

Can we PLEASE get this woman a robe now?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE

Senator Al Melvin managed to get a bill on both the last, and next, legislative docket which, if passed, would enact state sovereignty for AZ.

In other words, Melvin wants the feds to turn over all state lands, (except military bases and national parks) for us to run.

Yeah, because nothing could possibly go wrong there.

Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is intended as humorous commentary. Individual results may vary.

For serious, comprehensive coverage of the above topics, check out the Weekly’s piece.

5.11.2012

Talk About Backdraft

Firefighters responded to a burning shed on Benson highway Wednesday morning. The cause of the blaze? Flaming manure.

The story goes that a small, contained manure fire was set by cleanup workers as part of a genius-level plan to drive away some bees, but was somehow accidentally left burning inside the shed.

Overnight winds stoked the fire and blew embers out of the pan, igniting the whole kit and kaboodle — and seriously ticking off the bees — just in time for the swarm to go after some unsuspecting firefighters.

All I can say is that the next time TFD calls me to push Fireman’s Ball tickets… I’m totally buying a pair.

“Respect My Authori-tay!”

Maricopa Co. Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he’ll fight to “the bitter end” to keep from having to surrender what he considers his right to dress-up grown men in pink undies.

Arpaio, long under investigation by the Feds, is now being sued by the Justice Department. Both the investigations and the lawsuit center around racial discrimination… and the fact that bologna sandwiches are just plain gross.

Paging Dr. Feelgood

A judge ruled on 5.1.12 that AZ medical marijuana dispensaries are required to employ a licensed doctor as “medical director.” A dispensary medical director will be responsible for training staff, developing informational guidelines, spotting abuse and knowing which icky is the most sticky.

You Can’t Run From Stupid

Jesse Kelly — still determined to make that image makeover stick — abruptly ended a press conference last week when reporter questioning got tough.

On the ropes about his flip-flop positions on Medicare and Social Security, Kelly claimed he was out of time and left, referring journalists to his website.

Which just flip flopped.

Which was the question.

The 60 Percent

TUSD is in agua caliente again. Already being investigated by the DOE over its treatment of public attendees at district board meetings and its policies regarding Latino community events on campus, the district has now added fuel to the fire by firing their Mexican-American Studies program director.

In an effort to prove that TUSD is being unreasonable by categorizing the MAS program as incendiary, supporters retaliated for the firing by setting off a smoke bomb at TUSD district headquarters.

Rebel Without A Leg To Stand On

Here’s what we know: John Frederick was riding a gasoline-powered bicycle when he encountered Shawn Patrick Cleary on a walking path along Golf Links Road.

After that, the real story seems to be anyone’s guess — Cleary calls himself a concerned citizen and says he was simply using his walking staff to enforce path policy regarding motorized vehicles. Frederick says he was just riding to work when some dude jumped him with a big ol’ stick.

Cleary admits to having several other altercations on the same path, for the same reason… but doesn’t consider himself a vigilante or believe he deserves the assault citation.

They Say The RTA Lanes Are Wide On Broadway

The Regional Transit Authority — working from what are reported to be 25-year-old projections — plan to widen Broadway Avenue from Euclid to Country Club. To six lanes. For two miles. And take out 100 buildings. All for the low, low price of $71 million dollars.

Although it might be worth 8 digits to finally be rid of that old Wienerschnitzel.

He’s Down With GOP

Republican candidate for the special CD 8 election to fill the Giffords seat, Jesse Kelly, is so very unpopular that even members of his own party are jumping ship. Many prominent GOP members from the Southern Arizona region have given Kelly’s opponent — and Giffords’ choice — Ron Barber their official endorsements.

At least Kelly can apparently count on the seniors-sitting-around-in-soft-focus-while-pleading-to-keep-their-Social-Security-checks vote, according to his latest non-evil TV ad.

No Hablo Drama

A student-led group called UNIDOS was ousted from the UA department of Mexican-American Studies. Que pasa is the $64,000 pregunta.

UNIDOS made national headlines last year, when protesting MAS students took over a TUSD board meeting. With UNIDOS was kicked off UA campus, some — including Social Justice Education Project manager, Kim Dominguez —  are speaking out against what they see as the university’s attempt to railroad student activism.

The details are a little difficult to follow in any language, but essentially, a UA MAS email leaked to the press by SJEP sternly warns UNIDOS against Save Ethnic Studies fundraising in MAS department facilities.

Como se dice SNAFU?

* The “You Gotta Laugh A Little, Cry A Little” feature is strictly opinion-based, humorous commentary. Nothing here should be considered statement of fact nor be interpreted as news. For quality news reporting, please visit the links provided and/or the news sites on my blogroll. Don’t sue me, I’M JOKING.

** Direct/indirect quotes and other re-posted content remain the property of the original author. Attribution on Locally,Vocally is provided in the form of a hot-link to the original work and/or written acknowledgment of the material’s original source.

April 27, 2012

Jesse Kelly: Seriously?

So, there’s a Republican contender for the Congressional seat recently vacated by our beloved Gabrielle Giffords. Jesse Kelly, who gave Gabby a run for her money in the last election, has a pretty strong contingency. Unfortunately, he also has no clue.

Two Kelly statements jump off the page: “We have an unlimited supply of wealth in this nation,” he said. “Get the EPA out of the way. … It solves everything we need.” (Quote from AZCentral.com article here.)

Which is enough for me to write him off as a candidate. To write him off as a person it took a little more. According to the above article, Kelly has been encouraging voters to help him “finish the job” of taking back Gabby’s seat for the GOP.

Um… not cool, dude. NOT cool.

I adore Gabby, and have full faith in her recommended successor, Ron Barber — both of whom know firsthand exactly why gun violence is no laughing matter.

Canary’s Dead: What You’ll Never Know About the Mine Next Door

Lotta mines around Tucson. Lotta mines. Now, thanks to Governor Jan Brewer’s signing of the Polluter Protection Act, both you and I could be living next to a toxic sinkhole. A death trap that is actively — and legally — hiding its poisonous shenanigans. Oh, and if all of your hair and teeth fall out because of it? You can’t sue. This legislation is so very environmentally destructive that even the envoy of Satan, former Governor Fife Symington, once vetoed it. But Brewer seems to think its a famous idea. Wow.

All the Wrong People Are Unemployed: Lazy Bureaucrats Could Cost Workers Their Bennies

Apparently, the AZ legislature thinks filling out a little bit of paperwork just ain’t where the party’s at. Tell that to the thousands of Arizona workers who are poised to lose their unemployment benefits if our representatives refuse to lift their pencils. The unemployed know all too well how much fun it is to wade through the red-tape-and-snotty-attitude maze that is filing for government money. (While also looking for jobs in the worst economy since the Great Depression, btw.) But you’re right, lawmakers — those slackers obviously don’t deserve a break.

Daniel Patterson: Good Riddance 

Just when I thought AZ politicians couldn’t be more of an embarrassment, along comes Daniel Patterson. Quitting his post moments before being ousted from the House of Representatives for being … well … a friggin’ train wreck, Patterson’s girlfriend still managed to out-class him by getting herself arrested on meth charges.

Listen, Danny boy, we’re used to taking “racist” flack from the entire nation over the parade of morons that is our state government, but you really pissed off some people by making Tucsonans look like trailer trash too. I’d stay out of the Golden Nugget for a while if I were you.

The NIMBY-hood Report: Overlay, Lady, Lay

You really don’t want to f*ck with West University folks. They voluntarily choose to buy homes in a demilitarized zone — ergo, they love a good fight. And the city council is their favorite frienemy. Which is why I, for one, am far from surprised that the Hatfields and McCoys are at it again.

The council is pushing redevelopment around the UA, while area homeowners are digging their heels in against the city’s plans. Advocates of the overlay say the redevelopment efforts will improve the area and often accuse its opponents of alarmism. Meanwhile, critics of the overlay say they’re just trying to save their historic neighborhood from a razing at the hands of profiteers.

Wherever the truth lies, the NIMBY-hooders have legitimate cause to be cheesed-off at the council this week. City council tossed out more than 12,000 petition signatures objecting to the overlay plans on a technicality — despite the fact that its own office had caused the error.

Dirty pool, man. Dirty pool.

Marco Rubio Hates Mexican People: And the Feeling Is Mutual

So the rich white guy might choose a hot-token minority running mate whose skin tone belies very little about his political views? Color me shocked. Despite Rubio’s abysmal reputation in regard to issues that Latino voters hold dear: immigration issues, health care, poverty, education … and on and on … presidential candidate Mitt Romney still seems to be wondering what brown can do for him. The main problem with this strategy is that Latino voters aren’t stupid. Unlike Romney, who apparently thinks Cuba and Mexico are the same thing.

* The “You Gotta Laugh A Little, Cry A Little” feature is strictly opinion-based, humorous commentary. Nothing here should be considered statement of fact nor be interpreted as news. For quality news reporting, please visit the links provided and/or the news sites on my blogroll. Don’t sue me, I’M JOKING.

** Direct/indirect quotes and other re-posted content remain the property of the original author. Attribution on Locally,Vocally is provided in the form of a hot-link to the original work and/or written acknowledgment of the material’s original source.