Today we wrap up Locally, Vocally’s “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium. We hope you learned something. Because we’re not sure anyone around here did.

RIO LLORENO

Well, we’ve obviously hit the “depression” stage of grief.

MUSCLE PEARCE 

Just when I think AZ politicians can’t be any worse, they go and do something like this. AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!!!

GOODNIGHT, FAX MACHINE

You’d better eat your peas, Billy.

POT SHOTS

Note to scary voices: Renew meds

Locally, Vocally makes you laugh… Locally, Vocally does not offend you… You are getting too sleepy to send hate mail…

K-E-L-L-Why? 

CD8 loser Jesse Kelly has dropped out of the race for CD2.

Aww, Jesse — was it something we said?

FRANK AND BEANS

GOP sweetheart Frank Antenori knows how to Tweet. To me, that’s the big news.

The fact that he thinks nothing was accomplished at the last Rio Nuevo board meeting doesn’t surprise me at all.

WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME

The TUSD board appointed Miguel Cuevas this week, after Mark Stegeman vacated the board presidency… again.

So. Yeah. Good luck with that, Miguel.

DUDE. NOT SWEET.

Here’s how it seems to have gone down:

Cop pulls over dude. Cop smells weed. Dude produces valid MM card and not-valid driver’s license. Cop really smells weed. Dude makes joke about weed stink in car before he gave half of it to his buddy. Cop arrests him, searches his car, and finds a bunch of weed. Dude goes to jail.

Moral of the story: Even a MM card can’t protect you from your own stupidity, dude.

Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is just good, clean, American smartmouthery. Don’t worry, I’ve already been grounded for it.  

Talk About Backdraft

Firefighters responded to a burning shed on Benson highway Wednesday morning. The cause of the blaze? Flaming manure.

The story goes that a small, contained manure fire was set by cleanup workers as part of a genius-level plan to drive away some bees, but was somehow accidentally left burning inside the shed.

Overnight winds stoked the fire and blew embers out of the pan, igniting the whole kit and kaboodle — and seriously ticking off the bees — just in time for the swarm to go after some unsuspecting firefighters.

All I can say is that the next time TFD calls me to push Fireman’s Ball tickets… I’m totally buying a pair.

“Respect My Authori-tay!”

Maricopa Co. Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he’ll fight to “the bitter end” to keep from having to surrender what he considers his right to dress-up grown men in pink undies.

Arpaio, long under investigation by the Feds, is now being sued by the Justice Department. Both the investigations and the lawsuit center around racial discrimination… and the fact that bologna sandwiches are just plain gross.

Paging Dr. Feelgood

A judge ruled on 5.1.12 that AZ medical marijuana dispensaries are required to employ a licensed doctor as “medical director.” A dispensary medical director will be responsible for training staff, developing informational guidelines, spotting abuse and knowing which icky is the most sticky.

You Can’t Run From Stupid

Jesse Kelly — still determined to make that image makeover stick — abruptly ended a press conference last week when reporter questioning got tough.

On the ropes about his flip-flop positions on Medicare and Social Security, Kelly claimed he was out of time and left, referring journalists to his website.

Which just flip flopped.

Which was the question.

The 60 Percent

TUSD is in agua caliente again. Already being investigated by the DOE over its treatment of public attendees at district board meetings and its policies regarding Latino community events on campus, the district has now added fuel to the fire by firing their Mexican-American Studies program director.

In an effort to prove that TUSD is being unreasonable by categorizing the MAS program as incendiary, supporters retaliated for the firing by setting off a smoke bomb at TUSD district headquarters.