Welcome back, you wild & crazy Cats – We’ve missed you!

Nonetheless, life in the Old Pueblo kept on keepin’ on.

So to catch you up, Locally, Vocally invites you to audit our one-week, “Summer Headlines 101″ symposium.
(Prerequisites: righteous indignation, fluency in sarcasm and/or smart-aleckery, and experience reading between lines.)

VICTORY IS MINE?

In June, nobody could quite figure out who’d “won” when the Supreme Court overturned part of SB 1070.

Well, we may not know who won, but it’s pretty clear who lost…

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ PAPERS … UNLESS THEY HAVE DEAD PRESIDENTS ON THEM

In response to the SB1070 ruling, the City Council resolved to make Tucson an “Immigrant Welcoming City” by filing a legal challenge to the bill… following a closed-session meeting and a few mysterious changes of heart.

Apparently, the threat of a torpedoed a $180 million streetcar project and massive boycott inspires all kinds of good will.

MR. BARBER GOES TO WASHINGTON

Newly elected Giffords replacement, Ron Barber, shocked the Birkenstocks off of progressive Democrats this summer. Barber bounded across party lines, siding with the GOP on legislation that suspends environmental law within 100 miles of the border and refusing to join a Democratic walk-out during the Holder contempt vote.

Seriously, yo. Folks around here took it harder than the Stewart-Pattinson breakup. #HOWCOULDYOUDOTHISRON?!

SHERIFF LOCO

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on trial last month over what is being called a long-standing pattern of civil rights violations.

Arpaio, infamous for his drastic bologna-and-underwear tactics, is charged with violating the First, Fourth, and Fourteenth Ammendments to the US Constitution, as well as the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Oh, and basic human decency.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM ACT

Governor Jan Brewer issued an executive order last week, denying AZ drivers licenses and other state benefits to DREAM Act immigrants.

While many feel the order flies in the face of the legislation’s intent, misinterprets both state and federal law, and will likely be deemed unconstitutional … it could reduce crosstown traffic.

Tune back in on Wednesday for more Summer Headlines 101

Locally, Vocally is intended as news comedy. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

**Editor’s Note: Apologies to my diligent readers! Yes, I did misspell Arpaio yesterday. So sorry. It’s been fixed. Thanks for the heads-up!

Thanks so much for your patience — I’ve been dying to dish, too!

OK… so…

SMOKEY AND THE BIGOT

Sheriff Joe is finally on trial for alleged ongoing civil rights violations that stretch back forever, and have cost taxpayers $50 million in settlement money. Not to mention most of our dignity.

Unfortunately, his Buford T. Justice haircut isn’t prosecutable.

OH, SNAP!

Recently elected Democratic sweetheart Ron Barber showed a little hand in Washington by refusing to participate in a walkout, and siding with Republicans on a liberal hot-button vote… on his first day.

I do declare, Mr. Barber. It seems you’re a politician after all.

YOU BETCHA

Sarah Palin endorses Jeff Flake.

‘Nuff said.

ONLY FOR THE BUFFALO WINGS

Frank Antenori had no comment on the question of strippers.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised: ignoring red light districts is kinda his thing…

PEARCE-ING THE VEIL

The ACLU has released emails that it calls proof that SB1070 was drafted by racist.

Next up: proof of noses on faces.

Locally, Vocally is humorous commentary. Yes it is. Yes it IS. Man, everyone’s a critic.

PELOSI THIS

Freshly sworn in, Ron Barber swung hard at critics who called his border policies “election talk.”

Crossing the aisle with his very first Congressional vote — while still on the Democratic ticket, mind you — Barber sided with conservatives to provide an environmental law easement for Border Patrol agents.

Wow… so that’s what a million Tucsonans’ heads spinning sounds like…

LOOSE LIPS

CD2 hopeful Martha McSally is trying to limit the collateral damage after a Ron Barber staffer came forward, claiming that a McSally aide gave her tips on how to bring down CD8 contender Jesse Kelly.

The aide has since resigned.

No matter how the story washes out, you gotta give Kelly credit — I can’t remember the last time the mere mention of a name could so easily sink an election.

BeetleJess… BeetleJess… Beetle…

Nah, I wouldn’t do that to us ;->

Locally, Vocally is just for laughs. Like a Comedy Central Roast, but with bigger celebrities. (Oh, snap!)

There’s NOTHING more “Tucson” than Summer Hours. They just make sense. Sure, they can be mildly annoying and inconvenient, but, c’mon, man… it’s HOT. We’re all tired and sweaty. We just want to go home, take a cool shower and sit in front of a fan. If it weren’t for the get-out-of-triple-digit-jail-free card that is Summer Hours, we’d lose our ever-lovin’ minds all over each other. Believe that.

So, in the spirit of maintaining harmony & order, I give you:

Locally, Vocally Summer Hours

Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays — Open by noon (-ish) with an abbreviated version of You’ve Gotta Laugh.

Tuesdays & Thursdays — A little somethin’-somethin’ at some point. (Probably. Unless it’s a particularly nice day, as I am known to wander off.) Maybe it’ll be an event listing, maybe a cool article link, maybe a restaurant/business review… you never know.

Weekends — The Seen, as usual, since I can’t help taking pictures everywhere I go anyway…

Anytime — Check out the Locally, Vocally Facebook page. Links to my posts, plus other cool stuff that doesn’t make it onto the blog for one reason or another. You can also follow me on Twitter — you’ll get a tweet every time I post… no guesswork!

Thanks for your patience — we’ve gotta stick together ’till those temps come back down.

Now, without further ado: You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little

MINOR CORRECTION

A Starnet article on Saturday left out just one teeny little part of CD2 candidate Ron Barber’s statement regarding the DREAM Act — so running a teeny little correction admitting the editorialization was fair, right?

The omitted statement?

That securing the border & fixing the immigration system are crucial to both AZ & the nation.

Oh. Sure. That’s no big deal.

ROADS TO NOWHERE

City Council is tinkering with the idea of fixing our roads. By upping our property taxes.

To raise the necessary $100 million (Actually, by one council member’s estimate, we need more like $800 mil, but let’s not split $7M hairs, shall we?) the city would need voters to approve a bond issue.

On the heels of squandering untold millions of voters’ Rio Nuevo bond dollars.

Can you hear this, council? Want us to turn it up?

MAY WE SEE YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE?

Local police are on the lookout for a man and woman who have been going around impersonating law enforcement officers.

The duo has stopped a bunch of motorists in the last few months, issuing verbal warnings and even breaking up a fight.

Not exactly the kind of vigilante law we’re used to here in the wild, wild West, eh?

Locally, Vocally’s “You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is intended as humorous commentary, and is not recommended for use by the sarcastically-impaired.

IT AIN’T WHITE BOY DAY

Jesse Kelly is licking his wounds after last night’s concession call to CD8 victor, Ron Barber.

Kelly admitted defeat around 10pm, when poll numbers indicated that Barber couldn’t even see Kelly in his rearview mirror anymore.

After thanking his supporters, Kelly went home.

Because that’s the way it goes.

But with Kelly likely to also run for the CD2 seat,  don’t forget: Every once in a while, it goes the other way, too.

CEMENT SHOES?

A Rio Nuevo board member — one of only 2 originals remaining, btw — made an impassioned, 45-minutes speech at last night’s meeting, calling the recent string of Rio board oustings a conspiracy to cover up massive corruption and misspending of Tucsonans’ TIF money.

The speech leveled accusation at the Senate President, Speaker of the House, city attorney, local businessmen, at least one board member, and the Daily Star.

And it included a bit about how The City is too incompetent to find millions of missing taxpayer dollars.

Oh, if only I weren’t already married…

PROFILES IN CURBAGE

Gov. Brewer has officially updated her directive on what is considered, under SB 1070, “reasonable cause” for detaining or arresting potential illegals. (The controversial legislation is currently being looked at by the Supreme Court, with a ruling at hand.)

Now, Brewer says, officers in AZ can’t pull someone over just for looking foreign. Suspects must now meet other criteria as well… like sounding foreign and acting foreign.

Smelling foreign was not addressed.

Locally, Vocally’s “Check Out My Briefs” is intended as humorous commentary. If it didn’t make you laugh, try reading it drunk. 

Sorry if you came looking for my usual brand of snark today… I just can’t muster any attitude with the headlines I came across for you this morning.

Plus, it’s summer. The streets are emptier, the evenings are longer, and the midday temps are a great excuse for  una siesta. Life in the Old Pueblo was good this weekend.

Let’s just celebrate that for a sec, shall we?

SHE’LL BE COMIN’ BACK ROUND THE MOUNTAINS

Local hero Gabrielle Giffords is in town to support CD8 candidate Ron Barber.

But the big news is that Gabby could be back in the Old Pueblo for good soon… and I mean that both literally and figuratively.

While Giffords is unlikely to seek elected office, her husband told Tucsonans that the former Congresswoman wants to return to her hometown, and hopes to again work in public service.

Can I get a hallelujah?!?!?

SKATEBOARDING IS NOT A CRIME — IT’S AN HONOR

Some way-cool anonymous person donated $7500 to build local kids a skate park. Then a way-cool homeowners’ association matched that money.

Which inspired way-cool Midvale Park residents to knock on doors, collecting signatures to name the skate park after the youngest victim of Tucson’s Jan. 8 mass shooting.

On Saturday, the way-cool project was dedicated. Now the Christina-Taylor Green memorial skate park facility stands as permanent, daily testament to the life of one way-cool kid.

You won’t be forgotten, Christina.

HELLO, HI CORBETT!!

The Wildcat baseball program is loving its new digs over at Hi Corbett Field.

Spirits are up, and so are wins. In fact, this season UA advanced to  its first College World Series in 22 years.

But wait, there’s more! Ticket sales have jumped nearly $30,000 in the single season since Hi Corbett became Wildcat Country.

That’s a lot of peanuts and Cracker Jack, baby!

MON…SOON!

Monsoon season is set to kick off on the 15th! 

These sudden, powerful storms are a perennial fave for locals — big, fat droplets being flung around by hot winds — is there anything better?

Yes. Being prepared is better.

Monsoons are no joke, and as beautiful as they are, if you don’t know how to respect them, they can be deadly. So bump up your Summer Storm Savvy.

Then sit back and enjoy the show.

5.16.2012

DEBATE IN THE 8

OK, so it doesn’t have the ring of “Thrilla in Manilla” but the candidates to fill the Giffords seat here in Congressional District 8 are getting ready to rumble… moderator-style.

KUAT (channel 6) will run a pre-taped candidate forum tonight (Wed 5.16) at 6 pm.

Kelly and Barber will then face off in a live, open-to-the-public debate next Wednesday (5.23) at 7 pm.

The main mud-slinging so far has revolved around which candidate is covertly planning to rob senior citizens of their Medicare and Social Security. Because obviously someone is going to steal it.

So, if you haven’t yet decided by whom you’d prefer your grandma be fleeced, I suggest tuning in.

PRECIOUS LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

State Attorney General, Tom Horne — who used to run AZ’s schools, btw — filed a motion for authorization to intervene in the design of TUSD’s new ethnic studies program.

Apparently psychic, Horne is poised to swoop in, brandishing the double-edged Excalibur of state -vs- local law, because the TUSD curriculum will inevitably feature classes like “Smuggling 101″ and “How to Overthrow El Diablo Blanco.”

SALLIE WHO CALLED?

UA churned out more than 5,000 grads this spring.

Wait, wait… I got this:

There are so few jobs out there, the unemployment line looks like Hands Across America.

So many college kids are trying to move back in with their parents, Home Depot started selling moats.

College kids are about to be so broke, they’re gonna have to sell their ironic tattoos.

But seriously, Class of 2012, congratulations. And good luck…

What?

No, sorry. I’m not hiring right now. But I’ll keep you on file.

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE AN UMBRELLA?

Well, we have a state budget.

What we don’t have is money for our parks, or for KidsCare, or the rest of our hippie nonsense.

There is plenty of dough in the “rainy day” fund, though. Which I’m sure will be waiting there for us when we actually need it.

FASTEST POISON PEN IN THE WEST

Governor Brewer has been busy scratching out the GOP manifesto lately.

Recently, she’s signed legislation protecting pious health-care providers, tax evaders, and the Über Rich. But she is finally standing up for dead babies.

So we’ve  finally, finally got that going for us … which is nice.

Disclaimer: Locally, Vocally is a humorous commentary blog. Obviously, nothing here should be considered “real news,” blamed on The Citizen, or taken personally. Namaste.