KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO’S NOT THERE?

MAS supporters, apparently tired of disrupting meetings, decided to instead disrupt TUSD School Board members’ home lives.

The protesters hit the streets — in particular, the street where former board president Mark Stegeman lives.

The tactic, while daring, might have been more effective if they’d checked to make sure Stegeman was home first.

CHICK-FIL-AMBUSH

You’d have to have been living under a rock to miss the local Chick-Fil-A drama last month.

Which actually sounds preferable to being associated with this guy.

ROSEMONT MINEFIELD

Local environmentalists took one on the chin this summer, with the state seizing control of air permitting for Rosemont Mine.

Tucson advocacy group Center for Biological Diversity swung back hard, convincing the US Fish & Wildlife Service to protect the (aforementioned-mine-including) habitat of an endangered species of jaguar.

Which is wise. Past experience shows that a “Save the Endangered Snail” campaign just isn’t sexy enough to get federal backing.

Meet back here on Friday for the final lecture in our Summer Headlines 101 symposium.

Locally, Vocally is a humor site devoted to absurdist journalism. Which is something I just made up.

Gov. Jan Brewer issued an executive order Wednesday, denying drivers licenses and other state benefits to “deferred action” DREAM Act immigrants — in other words, people who were brought to the U.S. as children.

To qualify for “deferred action” status, applicants must meet a few criteria:
* Possess a high school diploma or GED, or be currently enrolled in school
* Have no serious criminal record
* Honorable military discharges only
* Have lived in US consistently since 1997

Seriously… what a bunch of scumbags. We should totally keep them down.

TUSD-ISGRACEFUL

A school psychologist who was fired from TUSD after she brought light to what she called “the mistreatment of children with special needs,” says that she has documentation suggesting that TUSD intentionally hid the resultant DOE Office of Civil Rights investigation from its school board.

Former board president, Dr. Mark Stegeman, says that district staff denied any OCR findings against TUSD when he asked them about it back in July.

Gee… I wonder why Stegeman quit.

IT’S NOT THE SAME, HUH?

Poet Javier Sicilia and his Caravan for Peace with Justice and Dignity passed through Tucson yesterday to promote awareness of the human element of the War on Drugs.

I jumped upon a few peace trains back in my poet days. And come to think of it, we were kind of protesting the War on Drugs… in a way.

Fortunately, I think Sicilia’s demonstrations will probably go down in history before mine.

Locally, Vocally’s “You’ve Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is satirical commentary intended to amuse savvy, discerning readers. So of course YOU love it, you genius.

MAS supporters have begun blanketing neighborhoods to make their voices heard. Specifically, the neighborhoods (and doorsteps) of TUSD board members.

You guys know that you’re powerless unless the head vampire invites you in, right?

PLEASE, SIR, MAY I HAVE A BED?

Arizona’s child-welfare ranking has fallen in again, to 46th in the nation.

Dear God… Where do Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico and Mississippi have their CPS kids sleeping?!?

JAIL HOUSE SCHLOCK

According to the American Friends Service Committee, privatizing prisons hasn’t saved Arizona taxpayers any money.

While researching the matter, a reporter’s public-information request was denied by the House Appropriations Committee, though. So I’m sure there’s nothing shady going on.

Locally, Vocally is intended as humorous news commentary. If you “don’t find my sass mouth one bit funny,” well… just be glad you’re not my mom.

K-E-L-L-Why? 

CD8 loser Jesse Kelly has dropped out of the race for CD2.

Aww, Jesse — was it something we said?

FRANK AND BEANS

GOP sweetheart Frank Antenori knows how to Tweet. To me, that’s the big news.

The fact that he thinks nothing was accomplished at the last Rio Nuevo board meeting doesn’t surprise me at all.

WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME

The TUSD board appointed Miguel Cuevas this week, after Mark Stegeman vacated the board presidency… again.

So. Yeah. Good luck with that, Miguel.

DUDE. NOT SWEET.

Here’s how it seems to have gone down:

Cop pulls over dude. Cop smells weed. Dude produces valid MM card and not-valid driver’s license. Cop really smells weed. Dude makes joke about weed stink in car before he gave half of it to his buddy. Cop arrests him, searches his car, and finds a bunch of weed. Dude goes to jail.

Moral of the story: Even a MM card can’t protect you from your own stupidity, dude.

Locally, Vocally’s “You Gotta Laugh A Little” feature is just good, clean, American smartmouthery. Don’t worry, I’ve already been grounded for it.  

Today is your last chance to check out the Pima Air & Space Museum’s way cool exhibit, “Round Trip: Art from the Boneyard” featuring art created from old bits & pieces of military planes.

If you can get there before 4pm, you’ll see the work of more than 30 graffiti, street & sculpture artists from around the world. Make sure to check out local artist Daniel Martin Diaz‘s stuff!

Xer ALERT!!!

Jane’s Addiction is rippin’ it up tonight at the TCC.

Tix still on sale.

Give Corporate America the finger by buying ‘em at TCC box office. Or go through Ticketmaster. Whatever.

SET THE DVR

If you won’t be home tonight, make sure to record “Precious Knowledge.”

KUAT (channel 6) will re-air the documentary on TUSD’s controversial Mexican American Studies program tonight at 11pm.

Trust me, you’ll want to see this.

HEY LADIES!

The Loft is hosting perhaps the coolest event ever on Saturday night.

The Beastie Boys Sing-A-Long Party starts at 9pm.

BYOBM (Bring Your Own Brass Monkey)

*Just kidding. Leave that funky monkey at home.

DEBATE IN THE 8

OK, so it doesn’t have the ring of “Thrilla in Manilla” but the candidates to fill the Giffords seat here in Congressional District 8 are getting ready to rumble… moderator-style.

KUAT (channel 6) will run a pre-taped candidate forum tonight (Wed 5.16) at 6 pm.

Kelly and Barber will then face off in a live, open-to-the-public debate next Wednesday (5.23) at 7 pm.

The main mud-slinging so far has revolved around which candidate is covertly planning to rob senior citizens of their Medicare and Social Security. Because obviously someone is going to steal it.

So, if you haven’t yet decided by whom you’d prefer your grandma be fleeced, I suggest tuning in.

PRECIOUS LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

State Attorney General, Tom Horne — who used to run AZ’s schools, btw — filed a motion for authorization to intervene in the design of TUSD’s new ethnic studies program.

Apparently psychic, Horne is poised to swoop in, brandishing the double-edged Excalibur of state -vs- local law, because the TUSD curriculum will inevitably feature classes like “Smuggling 101″ and “How to Overthrow El Diablo Blanco.”

SALLIE WHO CALLED?

UA churned out more than 5,000 grads this spring.

Wait, wait… I got this:

There are so few jobs out there, the unemployment line looks like Hands Across America.

So many college kids are trying to move back in with their parents, Home Depot started selling moats.

College kids are about to be so broke, they’re gonna have to sell their ironic tattoos.

But seriously, Class of 2012, congratulations. And good luck…

What?

No, sorry. I’m not hiring right now. But I’ll keep you on file.

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE AN UMBRELLA?

Well, we have a state budget.

What we don’t have is money for our parks, or for KidsCare, or the rest of our hippie nonsense.

There is plenty of dough in the “rainy day” fund, though. Which I’m sure will be waiting there for us when we actually need it.

FASTEST POISON PEN IN THE WEST

Governor Brewer has been busy scratching out the GOP manifesto lately.

Recently, she’s signed legislation protecting pious health-care providers, tax evaders, and the Über Rich. But she is finally standing up for dead babies.

So we’ve  finally, finally got that going for us … which is nice.

Disclaimer: Locally, Vocally is a humorous commentary blog. Obviously, nothing here should be considered “real news,” blamed on The Citizen, or taken personally. Namaste.

Talk About Backdraft

Firefighters responded to a burning shed on Benson highway Wednesday morning. The cause of the blaze? Flaming manure.

The story goes that a small, contained manure fire was set by cleanup workers as part of a genius-level plan to drive away some bees, but was somehow accidentally left burning inside the shed.

Overnight winds stoked the fire and blew embers out of the pan, igniting the whole kit and kaboodle — and seriously ticking off the bees — just in time for the swarm to go after some unsuspecting firefighters.

All I can say is that the next time TFD calls me to push Fireman’s Ball tickets… I’m totally buying a pair.

“Respect My Authori-tay!”

Maricopa Co. Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he’ll fight to “the bitter end” to keep from having to surrender what he considers his right to dress-up grown men in pink undies.

Arpaio, long under investigation by the Feds, is now being sued by the Justice Department. Both the investigations and the lawsuit center around racial discrimination… and the fact that bologna sandwiches are just plain gross.

Paging Dr. Feelgood

A judge ruled on 5.1.12 that AZ medical marijuana dispensaries are required to employ a licensed doctor as “medical director.” A dispensary medical director will be responsible for training staff, developing informational guidelines, spotting abuse and knowing which icky is the most sticky.

You Can’t Run From Stupid

Jesse Kelly — still determined to make that image makeover stick — abruptly ended a press conference last week when reporter questioning got tough.

On the ropes about his flip-flop positions on Medicare and Social Security, Kelly claimed he was out of time and left, referring journalists to his website.

Which just flip flopped.

Which was the question.

The 60 Percent

TUSD is in agua caliente again. Already being investigated by the DOE over its treatment of public attendees at district board meetings and its policies regarding Latino community events on campus, the district has now added fuel to the fire by firing their Mexican-American Studies program director.

In an effort to prove that TUSD is being unreasonable by categorizing the MAS program as incendiary, supporters retaliated for the firing by setting off a smoke bomb at TUSD district headquarters.