ROBERT NOVAK reported that Larry Craig’s Senate colleagues were not surprised by lewd-conduct charges. His misbehavior was common knowledge among his peers. Whenever they heard a foot tapping in the Senate men’s room they would zip up and run.

LISA NOWAK asked a judge to remove her ankle monitor as she awaits trial in an attempted assault on her astronaut love rival. The judge met her halfway. She can remove the monitor but she can only leave the house to appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”

PRESIDENT BUSH proposed a plan to rescue mortgage holders by expanding federal home loan insurance to allow more refinancing. We should lure the terrorists into following us home. If the gasoline prices don’t kill them, the real estate market will.

THE MICHIGAN Wolverines lost to tiny Appalachian State Saturday in one of the biggest upsets ever. The team was supposed to be a walkover. After the game, President Bush called the Michigan coach and told him that history will vindicate him.

SEN. LARRY CRAIG resigned in the wake of his arrest alleging he solicited gay sex in a Minneapolis airport men’s room. After 40 years, the Mountain West still is paying the price for lack of a woman on “Bonanza.”

KARL ROVE has spent his last day in the Bush administration. He followed Gonzales, Snow, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and Miers out the door. If the White House were any emptier, there’d be a 5-cent deposit on it at the nearest recycling center.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

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