Dick Cheney was taken to George Washington Hospital last week to undergo a procedure to jump-start his heart to its normal beat. He’s had it before. An ambulance is automatically called whenever the vice president’s blood pressure drops below $80 a barrel.

The White House expressed regret for a Predator drone’s accidentally bombing of western Pakistan. On the bright side, we found Osama bin Laden. According to ACORN’s voter registration records, he’s a registered Democrat living in Nevada, Ohio and Florida.

Dallas Cowboys star Pacman Jones was suspended by the NFL for fighting with his bodyguard. It was Jones’ 13th police incident. Pro football is the only sport whose bubblegum cards show a player’s picture on the front and his fingerprints on the back.

Dan Quayle said he’s spoken with Sarah Palin on the phone and advised her to just be herself. She was so grateful for his advice. Very few politicians are prepared to take on the enormous responsibilities of being the national punch line.

Oil and Gas Journal reported that tumbling world oil prices will result in gasoline well under $3 a gallon again. That’s good news for people who live in California. Our idea of car pooling is one guy in the car on a conference call.

Dick Cheney underwent a two-hour heart procedure last week. He was jolted with electricity to normalize his heartbeat. It took only 10 minutes to raise him up to the ceiling, but it took an hour and a half for a lightning storm to roll in.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

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