Barclays Capital declared the recession ended in April. But we are still a long way from recovery. With $5,000 you can either go to a Yankees game or you can buy a controlling interest in General Motors and watch a big loss either way.

President Obama decided to block release of the photos of terror-detainee abuse. They show detainees naked with their hands up in the air. Nobody bought the Bush administration’s story that they were putting on a prison production of “Oh, Calcutta!”

Colin Powell suggested that Republicans stop listening to Rush Limbaugh because he warps the party. The general is understandably bitter. He was in charge of peace efforts and diplomacy in the Bush administration, and all he got out of it was carpal tunnel syndrome from playing solitaire on his office computer for four years.

Somali pirates retreated to the African shores when the annual monsoons arrived, making the sea too rough for pirate boats to chase tankers. It caused environmentalists to tear their hair out. They can’t figure out why the climate is saving the oil industry.

Jimmy Carter (right) told the U.S. Senate that energy independence is as important today as it was 30 years ago when he was president. He’s so right. We were relying on imported cocaine for our energy needs in the Carter era and it’s no different today.

The White House announced President Obama will go to Normandy and speak on the 65th anniversary of the D-Day invasion. He’s seen pictures of the landing. He wants to go to France to apologize personally for America littering their beaches.

The Kremlin said President Obama will visit Russia in July. The nations’ leaders are going to have a long talk about political prisoners. The Russians are refusing to do business with the United States until Obama releases the auto executives.

Sarah Palin was asked to join the GOP’s national listening tour. The party had no choice but to invite her. Mitt Romney could wear a short skirt and a tank top to these rallies, and nobody would pay a nickel to see him.

The Titanic Memorial Cruise is set to sail from England for New York three years from now, on the 100th anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. The luxury liner Balmoral will retrace the route of the Titanic. For anyone who didn’t see the bottom of the ocean during the financial crisis, this is your chance.

President Obama blocked prisoner abuse pictures after consulting his generals. Wise move. They felt it would inflame Arab opinion against U.S. troops across the Middle East, as opposed to the toga party they throw for us every night now.

The Social Security Administration said it mailed stimulus checks last month to 10,000 deceased Americans. The government sent $250 to each of 10,000 dead people. In Chicago, that’s what’s known as “get out the vote” money.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

The New York Yankees were reported to be embarrassed about the empty $2,000-per-seat section. It’s been a rude awakening. When the tickets were priced last year, the Yankees had no idea the New Yorkers who could afford them were running Ponzi schemes from laptop computers in their home offices.

The President slashed Chrysler’s ad budget in half. This is his area of expertise. Barack Obama told the automaker it didn’t need $100 million in advertising if the company can just run a few negative ads in Iowa and get Chris Matthews on its side.

President Obama will address the Arab world from Egypt in two weeks. He thinks coexisting with the Muslim world depends on communication. In case he’s wrong, he will speak from behind bulletproof glass and hire local kids to start his car.

The White House released photos of Air Force One flying low over New York City. Cell phone videos showed people running through the streets in panic. The Air Force One flyover project has been renamed the President’s Project on Physical Fitness.

Roger Clemens (right) hired a publicist to battle steroid charges. Athletes have a new angle for public sympathy. Doctors say steroids will shorten your life by 30 years, but the players say they are just doing their part to keep Social Security solvent.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

The L.A. Dodgers drew a giant crowd to its stadium Mother’s Day. They gave away free female fertility drugs to the first 10,000 moms. As long as they had to clean out Manny Ramirez’s locker, it seemed a shame to throw it away.

President Obama stood up at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and told jokes about himself and his family. The press walked out. They will not tolerate anyone telling jokes about Obama. They think it’s racist.

Mexico declared an end to the swine flu epidemic. People already forgot about it. When Americans realized that the Taliban were just an hour’s drive from Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal, germ warfare seemed manageable.

Joan Rivers won Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” The final scene was held in the American Museum of Natural History. She and Trump had a big fight at the fossil exhibition about which one was forming a better oil pool.

Pope Benedict (right) made his first visit to Israel guarded by 80,000 officers. He told Israelis and Palestinians to find a way to get along. Next he’s going to settle that Roadrunner-Coyote thing.

The Postal Service raised stamp prices to 44 cents. It also threatened to end Saturday service if business doesn’t pick up. The government just announced that unless everyone buys a GM car, they’re going to sell them for $100,000 and they’ll only have two tires.

Keifer Sutherland faced assault charges and jail after he head-butted a fashion designer in New York. Americans love barfights. It reminds us what baseball players were like before steroid use made them too rich to interact with others.

Manny Ramirez was suspected by endocrinologists to have taken female fertility drugs to restore his testosterone level after cycling off steroids. At least that makes sense. Up till now, the L.A. Dodger’s only maternal instinct was nursing a Corona.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

L.A. Dodgers superstar Manny Ramirez admitted he took a banned substance but was careful to point out he didn’t take steroids. That’s illegal. If convicted of steroids use, he could get four to eight years as governor of California.

Manny Ramirez admitted taking a female fertility drug that was put on the banned substance list last year. This gave him a range of explanations. No one believed his first story that he and the Octomom got their prescriptions mixed up.

President Obama went to a Virginia hamburger stand for lunch and ordered a burger with Dijon mustard. He got puzzled looks. If you ask the average Virginian in a restaurant for Dijon they give directions to the men’s room.

Lady Liberty’s crown, closed since the World Trade Center attack, will be reopened by the Interior Department. Things have changed since then. When tourists thought they might be hit by a hijacked airliner, they were afraid to go up the Statue of Liberty. But now that they could be hit by Air Force One, it is an honor.

Jeb Bush (right) began giving political interviews, spurring rumors he may run for president. Conservatives were overjoyed on talk radio. Conservatives are like alcoholics in their persistent delusion that with the next Bush, it’s going to be different.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

England topped a new poll of America’s favorite countries. It had an 80 percent approval rating; Canada was second. France jumped 12 points to a 57 percent approval. The poll just shows if world leaders want American support, they either need to speak English or they are going to have to show us nude photos of their wives.

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s marriage broke up over his eye for a teenage blonde. The girl’s mother was a showgirl who worked for Silvio 30 years ago when he left his first wife for a then-stripper who is now his wife. Italy went through a hundred governments in 60 years until they got one that suited them.

Elizabeth Edwards’ new book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer followed husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton Hotel to meet his mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary Clinton and Princess Diana learned: The best thing about having a famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives.

Rudy Giuliani (right) denounced the idea of gay marriage when New York’s Senate took up a same-sex marriage bill. He speaks from experience. As a federal prosecutor, Giuliani broke up the Five Families, and then, as a husband, he broke up three more.

President Obama left the door open for prosecution of the Bush administration. He nixed the idea of appointing a Truth Commission in Washington. It would work with the same sense of duty as an Everybody’s Actual Age Commission in Hollywood.

Alex Rodriguez was accused of tipping off pals on opposing baseball teams to the pitch that was coming. He’s had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron’s record, but nobody ever thought he’d break Bill Clinton’s.

Italy’s prime minister Silvio Berlusconi demanded his wife apologize after she denounced him for chasing after young women. It proves there is a God. For a hundred days, comedians have been praying for a funny national leader to reveal himself.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

President Obama marked National Prayer Day with a proclamation instead of a White House prayer service. Everyone’s different. Bill Clinton came to Jesus, George W. Bush talked to Jesus and Barack Obama fills in for Jesus on major holidays.

Sarah Palin’s teen daughter Bristol, herself a mother, told a National Teen Pregnancy Awareness Day rally in New York that she misses her freedom. She also misses the baby’s father. So far she’s shot high and to the left every time he’s come to the door.

The President took Joe Biden out to lunch at a Virginia hamburger restaurant famous for its aged beef. The trip was the vice president’s idea. The best way to calm the nation about swine flu is to remind them mad cow is still out there waiting to strike.

Pakistan sought U.S. help guarding its nuclear arsenal from advancing Taliban. We face two scenarios. Either President Obama halts the Taliban from seizing Pakistan’s nukes or we can all finally stop worrying about retirement planning.

Liberty Sun shipping asked Congress for the right to arm its commercial ships against Somali pirates. It’s a dangerous world out there, but it’s lucrative. Replacing bullet-ridden U.S. flags is the biggest business in China since tennis shoes.

Sen. Arlen Specter was enraged when Sen. Harry Reid stripped him of his seniority after telling him if he turned Democrat he could keep it. Where’s he been? Reid represents Nevada and the people there won’t even deliver the mail unless you tip.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

President Obama and Vice President Biden ate lunch together this week at a burger joint in Virginia. Is this smart, considering all the food safety scares? Nancy Pelosi was just 10 degrees on a meat thermometer away from being president of the United States.

Sarah Palin has joined the GOP national listening tour. Her daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted for selling meth. She won’t be the first politician to run for national office in order to spend less time with her family.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he will retire in June. The lifelong bachelor has a cabin to himself in the woods of New Hampshire. He accepted a job on the Supreme Court only because he was tired of being interrogated every time the cops were looking for a serial killer.

The White House proposed that the U.S. spend $63 billion on medical care for foreigners overseas. That’s news. When Barack Obama campaigned on bringing free health care to the country, he neglected to mention that the country was Zimbabwe.

Michelle Obama (right) wore $500 sneakers to a food bank after she had worn a $500 blouse to plant a tree. Both were made by Lanvin. The first lady is being criticized for buying French instead of buying Chinese like the rest of us.

Congress weighed a plan to pay Americans $4,000 to replace their old vehicles with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers don’t understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four.

Chinese bureaucrats in Hubei province were ordered to smoke four packs of cigarettes every day to help boost the local tobacco economy. How backwards. Nobody in America has had to do that to keep his job since Jack Benny was sponsored by Lucky Strikes.

President Obama made clear what he’s looking for in a new Supreme Court justice to replace David Souter, who will retire. The search is on for a disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her own children and mows her own lawn.

Chrysler bondholders blocked the sale of the auto company in bankruptcy court. The bondholders’ lawyer said the deal is unconstitutional and puts social goals ahead of U.S. bankruptcy law. The proceeding could be delayed indefinitely while the Obama administration tries to decide if it can argue with that.

President Obama hosted a party for Cinco de Mayo. The holiday marks Mexico’s defeat of the French army 147 years ago. The French generals caught Flu de Coop while they were in Mexico and they haven’t won a war since.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he will be stepping down from the high court after two decades on the bench. The announcement caused nationwide interest and a scramble in Washington. It’s the first job opening all year.

Hillary Clinton received a 71 percent job approval rating. It’s obvious why. President Obama had another date night Friday with wife Michelle, and historically Hillary’s most popular when the president’s seeing another woman.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi (right) demanded his wife apologize after she accused him of playing around. He’s rich, he’s powerful and he’s in charge of a country full of Catholic schoolgirls. It’s not so much a job as it is an Internet video game.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

George W. Bush was reported Monday to have raised $100 million for his presidential library at Southern Methodist University. Silence will not be tolerated inside. It’s the only library in the world that tortures you unless you talk.

The White House reversed Joe Biden’s warning not to fly or take the subway to avoid swine flu. They said he meant to say sick people shouldn’t travel. When Biden tells you that the sky is falling, Warren Buffett invests all his money in sky.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention admitted that the swine flu is no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America doesn’t really exist. We’re just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled its government.

Segway’s inventor revealed plans to make a hybrid electric car powered by an engine that uses cow manure for fuel, and then use that engine to light Third World homes. Imagine generators that run on manure. Every time President Obama says he doesn’t want to run private industry, a third of the planet could be electrocuted by the power surge.

John Edwards (right) is being investigated for the hundred grand his campaign paid to his mistress. He cheated on his wife as she battled cancer while campaigning for him. He’s so low he was recruited to be a trial lawyer while still in kindergarten.

Mine that Bird won the Kentucky Derby in an upset. The owners had him gelded last year, so there’ll be no stud fees. President Obama wants to jail the owners for the taxes they’re not going to pay on the money they aren’t going to make.

Nevada brothel Moonlite Bunny Ranch offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO reality show in which he’d supervise the hookers while they tried to tempt him. The whole idea of beginning a new life was to get away from Illinois politics.

May Day in Los Angeles saw Hispanics march for illegal immigrant rights. They demanded the full rights of American citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, plus 30 percent of Chrysler and 60 percent of Citigroup.

President Obama said he will consider a Supreme Court nominee’s life experience as much as judicial experience. He won’t have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody gets a nod without supporting college football playoffs.

Hillary Clinton is offering a Weekend with Bill in a drawing to raise money to retire her campaign debt. It exemplifies the wisdom of experience. After 35 years of futile attempts to reform him, she’s decided to go with the flow and pimp him.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Workaholics Anonymous was reported Friday to be the most popular new recovery program in America. They use a toll-free hot line. When you get the urge to put in an eight-hour day, you call them up and they send two government workers to talk to you.

Jeb Bush held a town hall Saturday in a Virginia pizza parlor as Republicans tried to connect with real Americans. Thus the pizza. Pollsters advised that to connect with regular Americans, they need to gain 40 pounds each.

Mexico on Sunday protested when China quarantined Mexican tourists inside a Hong Kong hotel where one had the flu. Epidemiologists called it an example of what can be done when you don’t have to worry about the Hispanic vote.

President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider nominees to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter (right) as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He wants a woman of color who has empathy for real people and experience as a judge. But how’s he going to get Paula Adbul through the Senate confirmation process?

The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday. Officials expect to find a justice by October, but that may be optimistic. It took three months to find a hypoallergenic dog that is paid up on its taxes.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Fort Worth, Texas, closed schools and ordered janitors to disinfect every classroom when swine flu arrived from Mexico. Is this a good idea? To get the job done in time, they’ll have to bring in janitors illegally from Mexico.

Chrysler filed for bankruptcy after bondholders refused to forgive all the debt they’re owed. The restructured company will be owned by Fiat and the United Auto Workers. Fiat is an acronym that stands for Fix It Again, Taxpayers.

GOP leaders formed the National Council for a New America to reinvigorate the GOP. The press release has John McCain, Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush on the masthead. They’re known as the GOP Past, the GOP Future and the GOP Never Again.

Joe Biden (right) told Americans to avoid air travel to keep from contracting the swine flu. He was typically off-message. It’s not the administration’s mission to destroy the airline industry. This month’s mission is to destroy the auto industry.

Gov. Rick Perry canceled Texas high school sporting events over swine flu. He couldn’t get away with this during high school football season. The Constitution forbids the government from preventing the free exercise of religion.

Hugo Chavez said socialism is reaching the U.S. due to Barack Obama. It’s just crazy. Republicans have been hoping for a great comedian to represent their side ever since Bob Hope died, but no one imagined he wouldn’t be able to speak English.

The Dollar Store reported huge sales volume during the first quarter as American consumers flocked to the retail outlet for bargains. Every item in the store sells for a dollar or less. Don’t buy your bank stocks anywhere else.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

President Obama opened the door to prosecuting the Bush administration for the torture of terror suspects. This would be hard to stop once it started. If Dick Cheney wants to appear on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here,” he’d better hurry.

Capt. Richard Phillips got offers from Hollywood studios for the film rights to his hostage story. How much he gets depends on his past. If he’s led an upright life, he could get millions. If he has skeletons in his closet, the sky’s the limit.

The Labor Department said unemployment in Los Angeles hit 12 percents. It’s having an impact. The post office will lose a fortune on Mother’s Day when 50 percent of the cards are delivered by people just walking upstairs from the basement.

The White House released old memos authorizing terrorists to be tortured with insects. It worked. The worst part is we didn’t have to invade Afghanistan and Iraq, it turns out we could have defeated al-Qaida with a really scary Terminix commercial.

President Obama hosted a White House press conference to discuss his progress in office. After Obama’s first 100 days, the U.S. government owns General Motors, six banks and Chrysler. This is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events to slow swine flu. That’s a timid response for him. His first instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and threaten to secede from the animal kingdom.

The Pentagon revealed that waterboarding an al-Qaida suspect prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building several years ago. Interrogators continued to waterboard him because they didn’t think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles.

Dick Cheney faced possible investigation by Democrats for torture. They will never get him to confess anything. Cheney was once oilboarded by Saddam Hussein and never gave him anything more than his name, rank and directions to Kuwait.

Warren Buffett (right) holds the annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He’s rapidly regaining all the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak, he invested in get-well cards.

President Obama addressed an Earth Day rally in Iowa. He flew Air Force One, helicoptered to a town amid decoys, then rode in his armor-plated limo. He said Americans needs to use our energy more wisely.

The White House agreed to obey a judge’s order to release pictures of prisoner abuse at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib. They show naked men in a pyramid formation. Only Bernie Madoff’s pyramid resulted in more people losing their shirts.

Captured Somali Abduwali Muse is jailed in New York on charges of piracy on the high seas. He will never be convicted. His jury consultant will have no trouble rounding up 12 people who download songs and movies illegally.

President Obama met with credit card executives to jaw about interest rates. He said he’s determined to get a credit card law that gets rid of all the fine print. Everybody who turns 47 suddenly thinks the print’s too small.

Photos of Bo show the first family’s new dog frolicking on the White House lawn. It’s easy for him to get outside. Ten years ago, Hillary Clinton had a doggie door installed in the kitchen so Bill could come and go at night.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

New Yorkers panicked seeing what looked like Air Force One flying low over the city’s skyscrapers. They thought the plane had been hijacked. From now on, presidents will have to take off their shoes and go through security before they can get on the plane.

President Obama was furious when told that Air Force One buzzed NYC for a publicity photo. Imagine his anger at the publicity department. How many times does he have to tell them that he’s the star of this show and not some airplane?

The White House Military Office said it flew the president’s plane over New York to get a picture of it over the Statue of Liberty. It was easier to start a panic in New York, spend $300,000 of taxpayer money and then apologize than it was to learn Photoshop.

President Obama chided credit card company CEOs. He wants to personally control credit card lending, he wants to personally control student lending and he wants to personally control banks. It’s hard to remember that Democrats thought it was an abuse of power when President Nixon wrote a play for the Washington Redskins.

Arlen Specter (right) changed to the Democratic party after 30 years as a GOP senator. He spent a long Sunday with his conscience and his spiritual adviser. All the lawmakers go to St. John’s Episcopal ever since the church hired a pollster to be the new rector.

Israel’s health minister asked news organizations to refer to swine flu as Mexican flu. He said “swine” flu is offensive to Muslims and Jews. Mexico could be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for finding the one thing Muslims and Jews can agree on.

The New York Yankees halved the price of those $2,500 seats in the new Yankee Stadium. Nobody sat in them during the first homestand. The Yankees are playing so badly that the seats are worth $2,500 only if they face the other way.

Capt. Richard Phillips was honored in Vermont after his rescue from pirates. He’s back in the U.S. just in time for 10 percent unemployment and swine flu. When he volunteered to be a hostage in Somalia, he was following his survival instinct.

The White House was locked down last week after a Cessna flew into restricted airspace. As soon as the Democrats took office, they restricted the airspace over Washington to protect the birds from being struck by planes.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

President Obama met with an archaeologist in Mexico two weeks ago who’s since died of swine flu. He was fully exposed. It allows us to hope that Barack Obama did not shake hands with Hugo Chavez in a gesture of solidarity, but was trying to kill him.

Congress returned to work amid a national scare over swine flu. It took awhile to get everybody settled down. There was panic inside the Budget Committee until health officials explained to lawmakers that they cannot catch it from pork.

Fox Network turned down President Obama’s request for airtime for his White House press conference Wednesday. Instead the network will air the drama, “Lie to Me.” Anyone who can tell the difference wins two free tickets to the “American Idol” finale.

The Detroit Lions signed Georgia’s Matthew Stafford to a $78 million deal for six years. The contract is not guaranteed for the top pick in the draft. Nobody can be absolutely sure there will still be a Detroit six years from now.

The PGA will honor former President George H.W. Bush (right) at the Players Championship at Sawgrass next month. His love of the game is legendary. The moment he got word that Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait, he asked the next three groups if he could play through.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com