Each evening, my 4-year-old daughter tells me, “I want lunch for dinner.” Translation: I want a grilled cheese or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And, in my bloated, still working full-time, eight-month pregnant state, oftentimes that’s exactly what we have.

It doesn’t help that my sister-in-law is like the Terminator of menu planning and shopping. Each Friday she plans a menu for the following week and each Saturday morning at 7 a.m. she goes grocery shopping for that menu.

So while her kids are happily eating their vegetables each night at a civilized family table, I’m lucky if my kids aren’t camped out in front of the TV, eating whatever we could scrounge up in 15 minutes or less.

I figure there has to be an easier way and I know I need to find it quick because Baby No. 3 is set to debut in less than a month. It’s not like things are going to get easier. And I know if I plan my menus in advance, we can save money each week on our grocery bill.

To me, easier means something involving my computer and the Internet. So I went in search of software that would help me kill the proverbial two birds with one stone: plan a decent, easy-to-make menu while also preparing a shopping list for me.

I checked out all the usual suspects – CookingLight.com, MarthaStewart.com and BettyCrocker.com.

While each had really great recipes, none had that magic combination I needed – menu planning with a tailored, not generic, grocery list.

Though it’s not interactive, the Martha Stewart site comes pretty close. It offers specific menus along with corresponding “grocery bags.” The problem is Martha’s recipes aren’t generally what one would call “easy.” Plus, many of her recipes aren’t budget – or kid – friendly. While my husband will love tuna steaks, I’d still be making PB&J for my kids.

The Betty Crocker site has a cool feature that lets you input the ingredients you have on hand as well as what type of meal you’re trying to prepare. It will return several recipes that meet your criteria. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t help you plan ahead and it assumes I would be able to get on the computer while two hungry children fight for space in my lap.

After striking out with the free online options, I checked out paid software options.

At $79.95, Dvo.com has exactly what I was looking for. As a bonus, you can purchase “plug-in” software, including Cook’n with Betty Crocker, to give you even more recipes to choose from. (You can also enter your own recipes.) It even has an on-board calculator to help you adjust for the number of people you’re serving as well as detailed nutritional information.

Menus4moms.com also has menu planning software and, at just $7.95 per month, it’s friendlier from a budget perspective. It has many of the same features as Cook’n, but the recipes are more limited.

Romi Carrell Wittman is a writer and the communication services director for Trico Electric Cooperative. E-mail: romi.wittman@comcast.net.

Question: I am a father who is very involved in the lives of my sons, who are 15 and 12. Their mother is not in the picture, and they live with me full time.

Last year, I started dating the mother of my 12-year-old son’s best friend, who I met at a school event. We got married in March, and my son was very excited at the prospect of living with his best friend.

Now the two cannot stand each other. They pick on each other, and are constantly at war. It’s hard for them to be in the same room.

I did not see this problem coming. I thought the boys would get along great.

Any advice?

Answer: Kids are always excited beforehand. It’s sort of like two older siblings getting excited when Mommy goes away to the hospital and brings home a little brother or sister. But once the thing comes home, the kids get it. This is for real.

What you are experiencing is not unusual. Kids at any age usually have problems when their parents remarry.

It’s just the way it is.

When little Sun Devil and Wildcat go after each other, the best thing for both of you to do is to refrain from placing a judgment on who did what and why, but to simply hold both of them accountable for fighting, with the suggestion that fighting occurs outside the home and not in the home.

You as a parent could escort kids to the back door and ask them to continue fighting outside.

When they’re done fighting, which usually isn’t more than a minute or two, trust me, they will be at the door, ready to come in.

Usually kids don’t actually duke it out. “You start it.” “No, you start it.” It usually ends with that.

The other obvious thing I would suggest is that you hold, for lack of a better term, family meetings on a regular basis, where family members can talk about what they think is so grossly unfair about the present arrangement.

Try not to be the one that offers solutions to those problems. Let the kids try to figure out how they are going to peacefully coexist.

Pull the 12-year-olds aside and say, “Listen, you have essentially six more years to serve in this prison. It really would be helpful for you guys to learn how to solve your problems. If you don’t, and you continue to act in a non-responsible manner, your mother and I will not be turning over car keys, for example, to kids who aren’t responsible enough to settle routine squabbles in a responsible way.”

That should get their attention.

Dr. Kevin Leman is a Tucson psychologist and author of more than 30 best-selling books, including “Have a New Kid by Friday.” E-mail questions to him at whatsupdoc@tucsoncitizen.com. Photo by Tom Spitz Photography.

Does a family need a collective spiritual life?

Shaunti Feldhahn: With God, our houses stand firm

Andrea Sarvady: Morals the mortar of many homes

Shaunti Feldhahn (scfeldhahn@yahoo.com) is a conservative Christian author and speaker, and married mother of two. Andrea Sarvady (ASarvad@gmail.com) is a writer and educator specializing in counseling and a married mother of three.

During a packed and joyful Easter Sunday service, I found myself wishing that it wasn’t so easy to let regular life get in the way of the New Life that many are so conscious of – and conscientious about – during holidays.

Most people believe in God. Addiction recovery programs such as AA have found that they don’t work without relying on someone greater than yourself.

Numerous studies have found that every member of a family is more healthy, has more friendships and a more positive outlook on life with more regular spiritual practice. And within a family, a collective spiritual life is very influential.

For example, a study sociology professor Sung Joon Jang found that children whose parents were more religious in practice were less likely to use drugs later on.

If belief was just a collective delusion, studies would have found no difference from children whose parents said, “Just Say No” a lot.

But it makes perfect sense if there really is a God who loves us enough to show us the path of life – and will help us stay on it, if we’ll listen.

Today, a growing minority – about one-third of adults according to the Barna Group – have begun to detach their beliefs from a regular spiritual practice. And some parents now assert that you can teach moral principles without religious belief.

But where do moral principles come from if not from absolute truth? And where does absolute truth come from if not from the Creator of that truth?

Rebecca Hagelin’s new book, “30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family,” demonstrates how simple establishing a collective spiritual foundation can be – and how important.

As she says, “When everything is negotiable, then nothing is dependable.”

Two thousand years ago, Jesus told a parable very relevant to today: That someone who hears his words and “does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand,” and cannot withstand the storms of life.

But, Jesus said, “Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock” – when the storms come, the house stands firm.

Shaunti Feldhahn (scfeldhahn@yahoo.com) is a conservative Christian author and speaker, and married mother of two.

Kris and Joe Jacober have fostered 11 children over the past eight years and are awaiting their next placement.

“We have met the most wonderful children,” said Kris Jacober, president of the Arizona Association for Foster & Adoptive Parents. “Really, it has been our honor to meet those kids and to be able to work with them, care for them when they most needed it and to hopefully send them on to a better life.”

The reward for being a foster parent is priceless. But taking on the responsibility isn’t cheap.

The association Jacober leads recently conducted a survey of nearly 600 foster parents to measure the impact of state budget cuts.

Fourteen percent of those surveyed said they may not be able to continue to provide foster care because of the 20 percent reduction in the daily reimbursement rate for foster care and other cuts in foster care allowances.

“I have said before that foster parents don’t do this for the money but it is difficult to do without the money. Now, it’s more difficult,” Jacober said.

Earlier this year, faced with a $1.6 billion shortfall for fiscal 2009, the governor and Legislature cut the Department of Economic Security’s budget by nearly $102 million. DES, when it added in another $51 million in unfunded caseload growth, was looking at a budget deficit of $153 million.

The cuts DES made in response touched virtually every population it serves, including the vulnerable children served by the foster care system and Child Protective Services.

As of March 1, foster care reimbursement rates for the nearly 4,700 children in family foster care were reduced by 20 percent.

The foster care camp and vacation allowance, which earlier had been reduced from $550 to $250 per child, was eliminated.

The emergency clothing allowance was cut in half, from $300 per year to $150 per year.

The emergency clothing extra allowance, provided in cases of fire, flood or theft, was cut from $200 per year to $100.

The allowance for books and other educational expenses was sliced from $165 to $82.50 per year.

The special needs allowance – for holidays, birthdays and special occasions – was cut from $45 to $22.50 a year.

And the diaper allowance, for children older than 2 with a medical need for diapers, was cut from $125 maximum per month to $62.50.

Jacober said foster families had to dip into their own budgets to provide adequate care even before the budget cuts.

“You can’t clothe a child for $150 a year,” she said.

“Every child who has come to my home has come only with the clothes on their back.That’s it. So, in the first three hours, we spend $150 to get them pajamas and a toothbrush and shoes and socks and underwear, just all that basic stuff,” she said.

DES spokeswoman Liz Barker Alvarez said the magnitude of the state funding cut to DES for 2009 left it with no good options.

The Legislature continues to negotiate the 2010 budget, which could include additional cuts for DES. Even a reduction of 5 percent would have a significant impact, Barker Alvarez said.

“Some of the reductions made this year – such as the 20 percent reduction in the foster family reimbursement rate – that we thought would be temporary until the end of this fiscal year, would instead become permanent,” she said.

Jacober said she understands the state is wrestling with huge deficits – $3 billion for 2010. But cutting funding for children should be the last resort, she said.

“In my opinion, this would be the last place you would go to cut because these are vulnerable children. They have no voice. They have no say. And they are in a situation that they didn’t create,” she said.

Jacober’s association is making three requests of the governor, legislators and DES.

One, it asks for the restoration of funds to CPS to investigate 100 percent of reports to the child abuse hot line, something that DES said would not be possible with the budget cuts.

Two, it asks for the restoration of the foster care daily reimbursement rate to what it was before March.

And, three, it asks that all foster care allowance payments be allocated as one lump fund to be used as the discretion of foster parents.

The state has trouble finding and retaining foster families because “it’s just difficult work,” Jacober said.

“And if you aren’t finding the support and the resources you need to do that work, it’s even more difficult.”

Anne T. Denogean can be reached at adenogean@tucsoncitizen.com and 573-4582. Address letters to P.O. Box 26767, Tucson, AZ 85726-6767. Her columns run Tuesdays and Fridays.

Question: I am the mother of an 11-year-old boy. I found out recently that he smoked cigarettes with his friends after school one day, cigarettes his friend lifted from his dad.

It really upset me. I am a nonsmoker and I have told my kids repeatedly about the health hazards associated with smoking, starting when they were about 2 years old. I always assumed my kids would never want to smoke.

What should I do?

Answer: We all want to teach our kids important things in life, like staying away from cigarettes. But since you started at age 2 and reminded and reminded and reminded, it is almost a set-up for the kid to do some experimentation.

I always think parents are wise if they use teachable moments – for example someone dies of lung cancer who smoked, and you talk about it in front of them, not at them. Talk about it at the dinner table, so they are listening.

When my kids were little, we would come upon horrific accident scenes. You know the ones, with ambulances and police cars and flares – the kind, quite frankly, I don’t want to look at.

Every time when my kids were little and we would go by one f those accident scenes, I would say, “Drugs,” and shake my head.

My son was in his 20s and I was driving with him in a car when we came upon one of those scenes and he said to me, “Dad, do you think it was a druggie?”

Sometimes, the teaching needs to be only occasionally mentioned, but always tied into the reality that is in your life or in someone’s life that you love.

Now about your son. Let’s not use a shovel when a fly swatter would suffice.

Talk with him about how disappointed you are in what he did. When you say you are disappointed in what he did, you rake coals over that kid. He does not want to know that mom is disappointed in what he did.

Let it go at that.

If this helps at all, the author of this column smoked cigarettes, my first at age 7. We used to pick them up as people threw them out the window of the car. I smoked through high school and finally quit when I was 21.

We did some really dumb things. We used to smoke toilet paper, rolling it tightly and lighting it. One time I didn’t roll it tight enough and the flame went right back into my throat. Talk about letting reality be the teacher.

Kids do some goofy things. But I hope this puts things in proper perspective, and that little Puffy isn’t going to puff any more.

Dr. Kevin Leman is a Tucson psychologist and author of more than 30 best-selling books, including “Have a New Kid by Friday.” E-mail questions to him at whatsupdoc@tucsoncitizen.com. Photo by Tom Spitz Photography.

A little Web research can help you find the perfect hotel room.

While most of us have scaled back our spending considerably, that doesn’t mean we’ve stopped taking short trips or vacations altogether.

And while saving money on travel is more important than ever before, that doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten the little stuff – such as the quality of the hotel you book or the reputation of the airline.

Have you ever booked a hotel that looked great on its Web site only to discover upon checking in that it’s next to a major freeway or undergoing a huge renovation?

Or, have you found your seat assignment on the airplane only to discover that you’re sitting in front of an exit row – when all you wanted to do was recline your seat and take a nap? These things can mar a trip so it pays to do a little homework.

Fortunately, the Internet makes it easy to compare as well as find great travel deals. With the explosion of user-generated content on the Web, you can get firsthand accounts of people who have stayed at the hotel you’re thinking about booking, along with photos and insider travel tips.

I recently used Tripadvisor.com to research budget hotels near Disneyland – and I’m glad I did. I was tempted by the bargain-basement prices of one hotel. When I entered its name into Tripadvisor.com, I saw pages of posts made by people who had stayed there, some positive and a lot not so positive. There were even photos posted by users illustrating the good, the bad and the ugly. It helped me make a wise travel decision – spend the extra $20 a night for a clean room near the park.

Tripkick.com also provides detailed information on hotels down to which specific rooms have the best views, best bathrooms, etc. More importantly, it also tells you which rooms are less than ideal. Tripkick.com will even provide you with specific room numbers to request based on your preferences.

Seatguru.com provides diagrams and layouts of the major airlines’ planes so you can know the location of the wings, bathrooms and emergency exits. It also flags which seats have more legroom as well as those that don’t have under-seat storage. User comments also help you identify which seats to avoid. So, when you go to the airport to check in and the airline gives you the option of selecting your seat, you will know exactly where – and where not – to sit.

While these things may seem like niggling details, they can set the tone for your entire vacation. Doing your homework doesn’t cost extra, but it can make a big difference in your travel experience.

Romi Carrell Wittman is a writer and the communication services director for Trico Electric Cooperative. E-mail: romi.wittman@ comcast.net.

With the beginning of each new year many people resolve to change certain things in their lives.

I think the most common resolutions concern losing weight, managing finances, quitting smoking and starting a business.

Weight loss is a battle waged all year long, but the war seems to be renewed every January. I found weightloss.about.com to offer some of the best resources for both understanding and developing a viable weight loss plan. Subjects such as how to keep a diet interesting and monitoring caloric intake are explored, and there are resources to help you lose weight without losing a lot of money.

For better money management, there are many tools to help. Intuit’s QuickBooks is a homegrown favorite. Moneydance and Gnucash also offer financial programs. The major difference between them is that Gnucash is free, but they all are accounting software that allow you to track your money.

If you plan to launch a business this year or if you have recently started one, you may want to check out younoodle.com. This site has a startup predictor program it claims can predict your company’s value in three years. This can be a valuable bit of information if you want to find venture funding, plus it’s also not a bad idea to know your firm’s worth.

For those of you who want to quit smoking, go to quitnet.com. There you will find resources that will make the process a little easier – you have access to the usual literature about how to stop smoking, and you can also join a network of individuals who will be taking this journey with you. There are also counselors available to help.

For those with other plans, goal-setting programs such as those found on goalsetting1.com, and joesgoals.com should help you accomplish your resolutions.

If you don’t have a resolution, try lifetango.com. It will identify a goal for you and help you accomplish it. All of these goal-setting resources are free, which is a good way to make 2009 a little better than 2008.

Quincey Hobbs is a team member at the University of Arizona’s Center for Computing and Information Technology and an instructor at Pima Community College. Send questions to quinceyresponds@yahoo.com.

Cousin Vince and "new" cousin Sandy with the columnist during their first meeting, in November in Scottsdale.

Family. That word conjures up myriad images and emotions – especially during the holidays.

Eating with, buying for, visiting, avoiding. One thing that always draws our hearts and thoughts is family.

Songs invoke and reaffirm that feeling: “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” “Home for the Holidays,” “Over the River and Through the Woods.”

TV shows and movies reinforce that connection. No matter how tenuous or bitter the family ties are, there is that yearning to reconnect with someone.

I am fortunate to have a great family: my husband, our eight children, 11 grandchildren, assorted cousins and one living uncle, age 95.

One part of my family history has been blank until now.

My grandfather Leon Radzik was born in Poland of Jewish heritage but converted to Catholicism when he married my grandmother Catherine.

This prompted his family to sit shiva and consider him dead. From that time, his birth family was nonexistent to me, and he rarely spoke about them, except to occasionally mention a sister. He died in 1951, and so did his memories.

Fast forward to 2007. Some of my cousins were pursuing our genealogical history and found a possible connection with Sandy in Scottsdale. She had been searching for her relatives, too.

Sandy is an awesome researcher, traveling to Salt Lake City to review its genealogy archives, working with various Web and Jewish heritage sites.

Cousin Richard and his sister, Bonnie, have been compiling records of transport ships and census records, trying to piece together grandpa’s history.

They and Cousin Vince have been gathering whatever paper records could be found: birth, baptismal, marriage and death certificates, as well as Social Security applications and draft registration cards. Vince traveled to Poland twice for his research.

All their efforts were rewarded when DNA analysis verified that Sandy’s half great-aunt was my grandfather’s sister, Frejda Rozensztejn. My grandfather’s birth name was Berysz Rozensztejn.

Vince has compiled a wonderfully organized family tree book, which lists eight pages of ancestors and descendants.

As I read through the book, I was overjoyed to be connected to so many people, of all faiths, all over the world.

My greatest sadness, though, was discovering that Frejda died in Treblinka, an extermination camp, in June 1942. She must have been close to my grandfather since she was the only one he ever spoke about.

I wonder if he knew how and where she died. I would have liked to have known her, and probably would have if there had not been such prejudice about interfaith marriages.

I am overjoyed to have new family members to connect with, especially Sandy. As cousin Vince wrote in his book, “Without Sandra’s expertise and perseverance, the mystery of Leon’s family heritage would remain unsolved.”

I am happily Catholic but am now more aware of my Jewish heritage and feel closer to my grandfather.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Ramadan, I’d like to ask you to reconsider your family ties.

Talk to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Reach out to the “black sheep” of the family. Reconnect with those who are far away.

This is my last column, and I’d like to thank my “family” at the Citizen, my fellow columnists, and all the readers who have contacted me. It’s been a great year!

Happy Rama Hana Kwans Mas!

Valerie Golembiewski is a Tucson wife, mother, grandmother and New York transplant. E:mail: valeriegolembiewski@cox.net

The columnist's grandparents, Leon (Berysz) and Catherine, their daughter Estelle (Valerie's mother) and Estelle's cousin Mary.

These cookies' recipe is on kaboose.com.

Each evening, my 3-year-old daughter and I take a trip around the neighborhood to check out the holiday lights. She loves it and I find it’s a nice way to slow down and really enjoy the season.

Sometimes it takes a moment with a child to really appreciate the spirit of this time of year. They’re experiencing everything for the first time and it’s fun to watch that and recall our own childhood memories.

While your childhood memories probably don’t involve surfing Christmas and holiday-related Web sites, it doesn’t mean you can’t incorporate this fun (and cheap) activity into your family’s traditions.

The Web has a host of safe sites to help kids understand Christmas and the holidays. Such sites also feature great ideas for family activities during the holidays, including recipes, craft projects and more. Some even put you into direct contact with Santa! Here are a few of my favorite sites:

Kaboose.com has great family-friendly content year-round, but its Christmas and holiday-themed pages are especially fun. This site lists many fun ways to spend time together as a family, including cookie baking, kid-appropriate Christmas movies, and crafts. There are also homemade gift ideas and even recipes for mom and dad.

Writing letters to Santa has gone high-tech. At Northpole.com, kids can e-mail the Big Guy and check back a couple of days later to see his response. Kids can tour Santa’s village and see all the preparations for the big day.

Finally, there’s Claus.com. While it looks a lot like Northpole.com, this site features more online games for kids. There’s an elf singalong and fun stories to read each day, too. Plus, there are lots of fun Christmas-themed, kid-friendly recipes in Mrs. Claus’ Kitchen, such as Christmas Chocolate Sticks and Yule Log Frogs.

Romi Carrell Wittman is a writer and the communication services director for Trico Electric Cooperative. E-mail: romi.wittman@ comcast.net.

On its way to deciding whether Iowans have a constitutional right to marry someone of the same sex, the Iowa Supreme Court listened through a dizzying array of cultural, social and moral arguments Tuesday.

But in a case of this kind, which has scant legal precedent, legal arguments can only go so far. It boils down to acknowledging the shifting landscape in which we live, and debating what the state’s role should be in containing or accommodating those changes.

The court was hearing an appeal from Polk County District Court Judge Robert Hanson’s ruling that a 1998 Iowa law denying marriage to same-sex couples is unconstitutional. The attorney for six same-sex couples seeking to marry said his clients have due-process rights as individuals. “We’re not suggesting a new institution, just that everybody be allowed to participate equally,” Dennis Johnson said.

But the county argued permitting this would represent such a fundamental shift in public policy that legislators should decide. Same-sex marriage opponents also suggest that by seeking to normalize their status, gays and lesbians will damage traditional marriage. The conservative Alliance Defense Fund, which filed a friend of the court brief on the county’s behalf, suggested in a meeting at The Des Moines Register the day before that it’s part of a calculated political scheme to normalize gay life, and should be opposed.

On the other side, the plaintiffs and their attorney argue they’re already living as couples, raising children and harming no one, so why not recognize them?

The legal arguments seem to be on their side. Assistant Polk County Attorney Roger Kuhle struggled to muster one the justices found persuasive, often falling back on the “That’s the way it’s always been” rationale. Asked Justice Brent Appel, noting that even deadbeat dads and sex offenders are allowed to marry, “Are we really dealing with a moral question?” And “Is a view of morality sufficient to support a legal distinction?”

The county’s central argument is social – that the purpose of marriage is to raise children, optimally with two biological parents of the opposite sex. But even if you agree with that premise, it gets into tricky territory, as it did in the Register’s meeting Monday with Douglas Napier, senior counsel for Alliance Defense Fund, and Chuck Hurley, president of the Iowa Family Policy Center. They argue that permitting same-sex marriage would degrade traditional marriage, and harm children.

But the fact is, about 37 percent of births in America are out of wedlock, and about half of marriages end in divorce. Many heterosexual couples stay single, shack up or don’t have kids.

Chief Justice Marsha Ternus challenged Kuhle’s assertion that by permitting same-sex marriage, the state would harm marriage, asking, “Do I not want to be married because same-sex couples can be married?”

Replied Kuhle, “It’s teaching that procreation isn’t an important function of marriage.” He argued children have a right to know both biological parents. But what about those adopted or conceived from a sperm-bank donation? If they have a right to know their biological parents, asked Justice David Wiggins, why are adoptions closed?

Unable to legally prevent same-sex couples from having children, opponents attack same-sex marriage. But that undermines their case about kids. As Justice David Baker asked Kuhle, “If stability is the goal, by denying same-sex couples that right, aren’t you going against the goal you seek to achieve?”

And Justice Michael Streit pointed out that similar arguments were once made to prevent interracial marriage.

Johnson argued that same-sex marriage wouldn’t transform the institution like permitting more than two people to wed would, because it wouldn’t require changes to inheritance, custody and other laws. It would require a paradigm shift, but we do that all the time. Whether it’s Match.com marriages or embryo adoptions, something that once seemed unimaginable becomes normal.

Civilization isn’t static. We should always be looking to expand the arc of human rights.

Rekha Basu can be reached at rbasu@dmreg.com

My colleague’s silver- lining scenario sounds like a Hallmark movie. Let’s call it “Recession Romance.”

Our chick flick in a nutshell: Things go from bad to worse for an unhappily married couple when they lose their jobs, lose their house and have to move into a lousy apartment in a bad neighborhood.

All’s well that ends well, as the recession plays cupid, forcing the couple to stay together in their dangerous, dilapidated hovel until they fall back in love.

Lights up, folks. As a child of divorce who is still thrilled after 20 years to find herself in a stable and thriving relationship, I’m all for taking marriage seriously.

Yet I’m pretty sure that rampant job losses, rising medical costs and a housing crisis don’t make a bad marriage better. And I’m more than a little worried about what’s happening in those disharmonious homes.

A small percentage of marriages involve abuse, and those women tend to seek divorce anyway? Hardly.

I recall from my Marriage and Family Therapy training how difficult it is for spousal-abuse victims to jump ship, even in the best of times. And in times like these? The National Domestic Abuse Hotline logged a 21 percent rise in calls for September.

“Our people make notes of what’s said during the calls,” spokeswoman Retha Fielding told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “They tell us more women are talking about money problems in relation to the violence.”

Kiersten Stewart, director of public policy for the Family Violence Prevention Fund, confirmed this grim correlation:

“Many women make the decision that being in an abusive relationship is better than homelessness,” she explained. “In times like these, there are many more women having to make that agonizing choice.”

I’m sure Shaunti would agree abused women shouldn’t remain in untenable situations. Yet it’s important to remind ourselves just how bad things can get.

Every day in the U.S., Stewart said, three women are killed by a current or former “intimate partner.” That’s why this year’s rise in domestic violence makes it hard for me to see anything positive in forced domesticity.

Women who can’t afford to flee to safety? They’re the stars of a pretty grim picture, with no happy ending in sight.

Andrea Sarvady (ASarvad@gmail.com), a married mother of three, is a writer and educator specializing in counseling.

The number of couples who can’t afford to divorce has been one positive aspect of this economic downturn.

Articles abound on troubled couples who can’t see a way to finalize a split right now.

In a strapped economy, it seems impossible to suddenly support two households instead of one – especially if the couple’s house has declined in value and wouldn’t provide much of a cash cushion once it is sold.

The reality, as described in a 2006 Journal of Sociology study, is divorcing couples usually lose about three-quarters of their net worth anyway.

For all those reasons, the latest survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that, by a ratio of nearly 2-to-1, their members are seeing a national decline in the number of divorces, instead of the increases that sometimes accompany recessions.

In Michigan, where the jobless rate has greatly exceeded the national average for years, divorces have been consistently decreasing.

And the trend extends beyond America. The U.K.’s Office for National Statistics reports a decrease in divorces to levels not seen since 1981.

Some observers might think it heartless to see a silver lining in this reality, worrying that it will merely prolong the suffering of already suffering individuals.

That is a legitimate concern for some, especially the small percent of marriages that are abusive – but various studies show those individuals are more likely to seek divorce anyway.

For the majority, a nationally representative 2002 study by the Institute for American Values found most couples benefit when they can’t or won’t divorce. In the study, 2 out of 3 unhappy couples that stayed together described themselves as happily married five years later.

More significant, the report noted, “The most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds.” Further, those who did divorce, did not on average become happier.

It is ironic that financial woes – often the cause of marital strife – may in fact prevent couples from taking the ultimate step of severing their marriage entirely.

And in the end, it is heartening to know that, statistically, many of them – and their children – will look back on this difficult economic period with gratitude.

Shaunti Feldhahn (scfeldhahn@yahoo.com), a married mother of two, is a conservative Christian author and speaker.

Is it a good thing that many troubled couples can’t afford to divorce?

Feldhahn: Sharing hard times can build bond

Sarvady: More trapped in abusive marriages

Shaunti Feldhahn (scfeldhahn@yahoo.com), a married mother of two, is a conservative Christian author and speaker. Andrea Sarvady (ASarvad@gmail.com), a married mother of three, is a writer and educator specializing in counseling.

The holidays are upon us, and coming at a time filled with tremendous financial stress for many.

But let me tell you this: If the stock market were at a record high and if Americans were spending money like it was made in the basement, I would still have the same advice for families as we approach the holy season.

Whether you celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas, I would say that it is the wise parent that knows the difference between what kids need and what they want.

It’s the perfect time of year to think about the many blessings that each of us have to live in this country; to have family that loves us, with all of our warts and blemishes and to live in a free society.

The opportunity presents itself, because of the economic downturn, to re-evaluate what’s really important in life and to act accordingly.

If you are one of those parents that has put themselves on the guilt hook because you will not be able to give your kids the grandiose holiday extravaganza of presents that they have come to expect, consider yourself lucky.

Giving kids things isn’t important. But tuning kids into what’s really important in life is. Both Hanukkah and Christmas are religious holidays, and this is a time to talk to kids about what’s important in life, and to look for an opportunity as a family to do things for other people. And if you can do them anonymously, all the better.

Here’s a wonderful Psychology 101 experiment in life. Ask your kids how they feel after they have worked in a neighbor’s yard that they really don’t know or after having taken foodstuffs and presents to families who are really needy or after volunteering to work at the Salvation Army Christmas dinner.

That’s one of the best gifts you can give to your children – the experience of seeing how good it feels inside to do something for somebody else, especially for people who can’t give anything back to you. That should be the joy of the holidays.

Kids are a product of the “gimme” generation. And who sets that up? Parents and grandparents who run on guilt, who feel that the best things in life are not free, but that the best things in life can be put on MasterCard, Visa and American Express, and we’ll worry about paying for it later. Ah, such an American thought.

So do yourself a favor and your kids a favor by downsizing your holidays, not out of necessity, but because you really see the wisdom in downsizing the overkill of gift giving that not only hurts us, but also charges 14.9 percent interest to boot.

Dr. Kevin Leman is a Tucson psychologist and author of more than 30 best-selling books, including “Have a New Kid by Friday.” E-mail questions to him at whatsupdoc@tucsoncitizen.com. Photo by Tom Spitz Photography.