W hat the hell is the point of living in a free country, if a mob of vigil-nannies takes over and runs the place like the friggin’ Taliban?
“Billy, don’t forget to take your saltpeter pills before you go to the church social, and wear a condom in case the pills don’t work, and your helmet – don’t forget your helmet, you know how fast those bus drivers go.
“I’ve packed a Breathalyzer along with the macaroni and cheese and a can of sterno for the torch-lit march on the apartment of those two gay men Mrs. Johnson said were smiling at her little twin boys – they’re only 19.
“The Breathalyzer is for the bus driver. Make him stop every five blocks and blow this job here.
“Curfew is 9:30. We’ll be checking your blood-alcohol level, smoke on your breath, high-octane in your nostrils, lipstick on your collar and DNA in your undies. Have a wonderful time and remember, I’ll call your wife in the morning in case I can’t come tuck you in myself: I’ve got 12 other men in this block alone.”
Welcome to America 2007, the land of scared-straight and the home of the timid. Big Mother is watching you, and her greatest fear is that somewhere, sometime, somehow, someone is having fun. And she is, by God, determined to put a stop to it.
I read with deep concern the reports this week of Arizona’s new, newsmaking and mean-as-New Mexico DUI law.
Hey, if we can’t compete with the rest of the country in education, health care or median family income, at least we can make life miserable for anybody who tries to have too much fun.
Think I’m kidding? The scrap of parchment signed in May by Gov. Janet Napolitano, says if you have even one, even most minor, incident of driving under the influence, you will be assigned a breath analyzer that is wired into your car’s ignition system and will not let it start if your breath shows alcohol in your blood above 0.03 percent.
Compare that with the legal limit of 0.08, and you see that if you have a bite of Aunt Em’s rum cake, you can forget driving home to the wife and kids.
Of course the poor are hit hardest, since the only escape they can afford, from lives of misery and slavery, is a couple of cold ones after the whistle blows on Friday.
And if you blow the Breathalyzer after that, I guaran-damn-tee you will be legally drunk. That’ll be a thousand bucks for fines, a few lost days at work, then another hundred to install this Big Mother Machine in your pickup, and another $80 a month to maintain it – for 12 months.
Take your typical “land-scaper” sweating in the sun and dreaming of that ice-cold brew after work, and these fines and that harassment – designed to put a self-satisfied smirk on the lips of all the MADD-women in Arizona – will kill any plans for a summer vacation, Christmas gifts, even dessert after tonight’s Hamburger-Helper.
Everybody knows that the cops who arrest the two-beer day laborer, the lawyer who prosecutes him, the jury who convicts and the judge who sentences the poor guy, all of them drink and drive.
Through our nation’s history, we have witnessed periodic fits of morality such as the current mania, Prohibition most infamous of the lot, and every one of them ultimately was exposed for its hypocrisy and futility.
Mammals are driven to get sideways, whether by sticking plants in their mouths and setting them on fire or glutting themselves on decaying fruit.
Life is messy, freedom is risky. Get used to it. And get off my back.
Jeffyboy reminds you all to keep off the grass. Call him at 520-455-5667 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.