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Poor but Happy

Washington….
Today the Republican National Committee (RNC) released a long-awaited report detailing the effects of the current recession on the various socio-economic groups in America.

The study, carried out over the last six months, presents individual economic decline as a distribution across the population, based on percentage of wealth lost. The RNC has taken this approach in the past and claims this method is the fairest of all, as it compiles economic data in a way that shows who has been hit hardest by the economic slowdown.

Although the results have not been officially released, this reporter has had the opportunity to review the results informally. The documents were provided by an RNC staffer who is not authorized to speak to the press and would like to remain anonymous. The motivation for the staffer to release the study findings early can be said to be purely pecuniary.

The documents, steeped in the jargon of the economist, suggest a distribution of economic devastation that is at least counter-intuitive.

Hardest hit, the study suggests, are the nation’s richest.

By way of example, Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, is said to have lost fully fifty-percent of his total wealth. Warren Buffet, another of the planet’s richest, suffered nearly as badly, loosing nearly forty-seven percent of his total wealth.

By way of contrast, the nation’s, poorest lost only an average of point-oh-one of a percentage point (.01 %) of their total wealth. The reason the poor have been able to preserve such a high percentage of their wealth is based solidly on the fact that they held no stocks, bonds or derivative contracts and so were shielded from the huge losses the less fortunate wealthy have been burdened with.

Our source, speaking at an average rate of ten-dollars per word, indicated that the documents had been provided to several financial publications, such as the Wall Street Journal. The Journal, said the source, was provided the with the study early, so as to make it possible for the paper to provide an in-depth analysis the day after the study is made public. The Journal’s editorial writers are “famous” for an almost black-magic artistry, which in the past has allowed them to make editorial statements to the effect that women are not interested in equal pay for equal work.

The RNC plans to present the findings to Congress in order to suggest a blueprint for further economic aid, this time based primarily on percentage of wealth lost.

Under this plan, an astonishing amount, equal to approximately seven times the GNP (gross national product) will be distributed to the unfortunate few who’s losses due to the recession have been so great when measured against the gains made by the poor.

Said the RNC staffer who leaked the documents, “This is complex issue that really has been under-reported by the liberal press, like you, Jimmy. Now that we have this 800 page study, conducted by some of the finest minds that used to work for Big Tobacco, even you will have to give this idea a fair shake”.

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