Humor: Fueled by Petrol

US Attorney General Eric Holder is reported to be considering the appointment of a criminal prosecutor to investigate Bush administration’s torture of terrorist suspects. (Washington Post, 12 July, ‘09 by Carrie Johnson)

Note: that is terrorist suspects, not necessarily terrorists. A significant number of “suspects” have been found to be held without cause by the military and are being released….because the military found them to be innocent.

Whatever the case, President Obama has consistently held against any investigation or prosecution for torture by Americans, especially when they were acting according to legal guidelines established by the Justice Department at the behest of the Bush administration.

We obtained a secret transcription of a recent confrontation between President Obama and Attorney General Holder, which was written in shorthand by a deaf-mute German tourist. Herr Kronenburg, touring the US capital with his family, happened upon the conversation while looking through a pay-telescope which is mounted to the railing near the Lincoln Memorial. The President and the Attorney General were sitting on an outside balcony which was within the instrument’s range. Since Herr Kronenburg has been deaf and mute from birth, he is as adept at lip reading as one can be. It is to his disability that Herr Kronenburg attributes his success in providing this rare insight into the political machinations generally hidden from the public eye.

The telescope had been on for some moments before Herr Kronenburg chanced to focus on the balcony and recognize the President. He was unable to recognize the Attorney General until much later, when he was able to review news clips on the web. The conversation had apparently been under way for some moments when Herr Kronenburg began to read the President’s lips. Transcription follows, exactly as written by the observer moments after the telescope ran out of quarters. Dotted lines indicate parts of the conversation which were not clear to Herr Kronenburg for one reason or another.

The President:
“Eric, I’m telling you…….would….against the national interest.”

Holder:
“Mr……..how can it be ……the …..interest to investigate breaches of the Geneva…….”

The President:
“It would be divisive,…..I can’t…….of prosecution. Besides, the guys that did it were…..orders from the same Justice Department you…..”
Holder:
“Not the same department, Mr…….. it was my impression……you appointed me to…….”
The President:
“Upholding the law is exactly what I am talking…… The law allowed torture on the Bush watch. So there were no laws broken. Nothing to…..”
Holder:
“Surely, Mr President, you can’t suggest the United……..try to….the Nuremberg Defense?”
The President:
“No. That was different.”
Holder:
“…….how were……different?”
The President:
“Well, they were Nazis. We’re…..”
Holder:
“But sir, what will the world say if ever we need to prosecute war criminals again, like we did after World War II in Japan and Germany? Won’t they…….”
The President:
“They may. They may not. What I have to do is hold this Congress together. It would be…..”
Holder:
“Sir, I may have to go against you…….regard.”
The President:
“You know I will……….against……..”
Holder:
“I am appalled at your………Americans taking……..Nuremberg defense…..”
The President:
“Don’t do it, Eric.”
Holder:
“Sir, this seems……be against every principle ……you …..for. Will you fire me if I proceed?”

The President took a moment, leaning back into his chair on the sunny balcony. He took a sip of coffee and his features relaxed. He smiled broadly and got up. Stretching out his hand as if to shake with Holder, he said clearly, “Of course not, Eric. I thought you would never ask.”

The telescope blinked off at this point, and by the time Herr Kronenburg was able to get more quarters into it, the president was gone. Only Holder remained on the Patio. He drank from his coffee cup for a few moments, wiped his lips fastidiously with a napkin and got up. His lips moved silently, but Herr Kronenburg was able to see Holder clearly in the bright Washington sun.

“That old fox!” was all the Attorney General said.

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