Humor: Fueled by Petrol

(Jimmy is on his way to Greenland to confront a leading Global Warming Hoaxster…see “Global Warming…Hoax?” from last Wed.).

We were in the air for a long, long time. Turns out the world is pretty big even at 600 MPH. The jet screamed along at just below the speed of sound and I turned my intellect towards the coming confrontation.

I had learned that the fellow behind those nasty Polar Bear Drowning videos was none other than Dr. Max Von Heimlich, a tireless Warming Hoaxster. His web site claimed that he had been working in the Northern Oceans for twenty years, cataloguing the changes in habitat, climate and geography. He made himself look good, of course…with degrees up the wazoo and “scientific” papers too numerous to count. He had been milking this Hoax for an entire career! What a bum!

We went from traveling at 600 MPH to six MPH; travel over the ice is slow. Primitive. I had though I would hire a car to take me to the good Dr.’s encampment, but the best we could do was a dog-sled. Even then, poor Kat had to mush it, there being only room enough on the sled for me.

We traveled Southward along Greenland’s coast for several hours; our last little plane having deposited us in a tiny hamlet just north of where the Dr. claimed to be “gathering data”. He was easy to find; everyone in the little hamlet knew him and seemed to love him. I figured he was free and easy with the grant money; easy come easy go!

And suddenly, we were there. Coming over a rise in the smooth snow, we burst upon the “research” team. There were several large tents, with parka-clad men and women wandering about, soaking up all that easy government money. Some of them were messing about with a weather balloon, which they probably were using in a pretense of gathering data from aloft. Others were out on the ice, “in” the ocean, sort of, as the ice extended away from shore in a broken miasma of floating, semi-connected blocks.

But the ice was thin. And moving. Between the blocks the sea was shimmering blue. There was a constant booming sound coming from the north, and the weather was bright and sunshiny.

And as God is Good, there was what we had come for; far out in the ice field we could make out a Polar Bear. He was in the water, but from time to time it looked like he would try to get up on a slab of ice…but it would only tip up and dump him. We headed that way, picking our way through the jumble of floating ice. There were more of the Parka People near the bear…filming, no doubt.

We tried to sneak up on the “researchers” but there was no way to hide on the ice. They accosted us rudely. It was Dr. Von H. himself!

I decided to be pro-active. “Dr. H! I cried….I am Jimmy Petrol and I want to warn you that your hoax is up! We are onto you! Don’t you realize that bear is rabid, or simply depressed? Your silly theories that the planet is getting warmer are dangerous! You have to Stop!”

I knew he would be stunned, to be bearded in his lair like this.

“Jimmy Who? Hoax? Is everybody from Texas these days? Get off the ice, you fool. We have a bear to save.”

I was not cowed. “Dr. H….you have to come in out of the cold and get an honest job…maybe in retail. You seem like an intelligent fellow…leave that bear to his fate and come with me….we will debunk this Warming Hoax together….I will get a Pulitzer. You will get to get right with God.”

“A reporter! Just the thing. That bear out there is starving, as well as drowning…a brainless tidbit will suit him just right when we get him up on the ice.”

He turned and ignored us, going back to work trying to set a sort of “ramp” up at the ice’s edge, whereby the bear might climb out from his swim.

“Dr. H.! Why are you out here, these twenty years falsifying data?”

He turned to me, face red, livid. “You moron. Are you one of the dummies that can’t tell theory from fact? It doesn’t matter what the AIR temperature is…it’s the PLANET’S temperature that matters…you nitwit….and it is MELTING!”

Unfazed, I countered, while sneaking toward the ramp, now set firmly in the ice. The “researchers” were moving away from it. The bear was still lazing about in the sea.

“Dr. H….What the air does today, the ice does tomorrow.” I knew my logic was solid. I had him.

He was condescending. Insulting. “Did you get past high-school, Jimmy Petrol? The mass of the atmosphere is NOTHING compared to the mass of the EARTH. Learn to do simple math. Now get away from the ramp.

There was a loud boom; I thought for an instant that these traitors had shot at me…but it was just the ice. A large crack had appeared…the ice I stood on had broken away and was drifting away from the research party. The ramp went with me. The polar bear began to take an interest.

“Jump, you moron!” It was the good Dr. Several of the party were waving frantically for me to leave my strategic position, where I could investigate the bear’s health and mental condition. I had no training as a Vet, but I was sure a fellow of solid intellect could figure anything out, even without formal training. This Warming Hoax had taught me that education was highly overrated.

While I mused, the bear managed to clamber up the ramp. It eyed me squarely. It licked it lips. I hadn’t imagined bears could lick their lips, but this one did. I began to edge my way closer. If this bear was suicidal, he would soon throw himself back into the sea. I wanted to look deep into his eyes, to penetrate his tiny mind and navigate to the depths of his soul. I would know all!”

I was concentrating on my subject, but I could hear a helicopter, coming nearer, louder. It annoyed me and distracted the bear. I looked around for it…there it was, coming straight at us; there was someone actually hanging out of the door! I could see as it came nearer that the person had a rifle! They were going to have me “hit”! I looked back around…the bear was in the air! He had leapt right at me! He wasn’t suicidal, just hungry!

I looked back at the Chopper. Time seemed to stretch out, expand. The bear floated towards me, claws and teeth to terrible to tell….the person leaning out of the Chopper raised the rifle and pointed it right at me! I lunged, flinging myself off the little block of ice into the water. The rifle cracked as I flew….

I looked up, twisting in the air….the person with the rifle was smiling down at me….it was Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin had saved my life, for the bear was the one crashing into the ice dead, not me!

They fished me out and dried me off best they could. They weren’t happy about Palin pouching the bear, but there was nothing they could do about it…she always had a permit when she went about shooting things from helicopters.

I took a new look at my saviors. They were gaunt, grizzled and cold. They had been out here in this terrible place for too long. Maybe they weren’t making it all up…maybe Hoaxters wouldn’t choose to live in such a terrible place just to milk grant money….maybe I would have to go back to school to understand any of this…..maybe we all need to get a grip on the fact that some of us are dumber than others.

Image by mtlin via Flickr

http://earthtrends.wri.org/updates/node/83   for earth and sea temps…not hot air.

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