Local guy John Coppin has an occupation that is often more feared than the dentist and more hated than car salesmen.

Coppin as Mr. Hocus/submitted photo

He’s a clown.

Before you run for cover, just hear him out. He’s here to dispel the myth that clowns are evil and to prove clowns are people, too.

“All clowns are not Ronald or Bozo,” he said. “We are your next door neighbor. Always be wary if you do not know who the clown is, but the John Wayne Gacys are the minority of the clown world. We are to be laughed at and with all in fun.”

Coppin, 53, got into performing more than 30 years ago, and not by attending some fancy Florida clown college but the old fashioned way.

“I went to the school of hard knocks,” he said, “and also had great mentors who showed me ideas.”

Picking his career – which he loves because he gets to make people feel good – wasn’t a tough decision.

“I think I always was a bit of a clown,” he said. “I just had to put on the nose and Mr. Hocus was born.”

Mr. Hocus is the stage name for Coppin’s clown, one that has never scared a youngster – or adult – and one that regularly encounters magical situations in his acts.

“Mr. Hocus is a magic clown,” he said. “The magic happens to him, quite like Emmett Kelly did with the spotlight. He is having the magic occur to him not from him.”

One of world-famous clown Emmett Kelly’s signature act was sweeping up the spotlight on the stage until it actually disappeared.

Coppin the magician/submitted photo

Coppin’s magic career dates back to age 15, when he appeared as the Magic Magician of Christmas at a Wisconsin H.C. Prange department store.

He then took to performing at his high school, local shows in his Wisconsin hometown, and eventually bigger and more populated events. He ended up in moving to Marana last year, where he lives with his wife Carol and dog Frito.

Carol is so supportive of clowns – and Coppin’s act – that she even helps out at events with his forte of balloon sculpting.

Unlike other professions, Coppin said, the clown world is not known for being petty, competitive or stabbing each other in the back – unless it’s with a balloon or something.

“Clowns have no big rivals, really,” he said. “They work well with everyone.”

Yes, even mimes. In fact, the original clowns were more like mimes than the colorful performers we see today.

“They never spoke and the makeup was the whiteface,” he said. “The circus clown became a new idea in the early days of the traveling show, being brighter for the smiles.”

Sure, he’ll admit, some kids have been known to be scared of the whiteface or other clown makeup they find strange. The fears are often fueled by things like the movie “It.”

The 1990 Stephen King flick features the demonic Pennywise, a creature dressed as a clown that terrorizes a small town in the 1960s.

“I always think that the movie ‘It’ caused a lot of problems for clowns,” Coppin said. No, it’s not accurate. No, not all clowns are evil. And no, clowns never come barreling out of toilets.

“Only small cars,” he said.

If you’re still wary, Coppin offers additional advice on how to overcome a fear of clowns.

“Get to know one,” he said, “or better yet find your inner clown and let it out. Laughter is always a great way to find your inner clown and enjoy it.”

Learn more about John Coppin and his magic at MrHocus.com.

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster whose grandmother once baptized a clown doll. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What do you think?

Are your fears quelled now?

Does Coppin help you think of clowns as people, too?

What’s the best clown/magician act you’ve seen lately?

Did you enjoy the movie or book “It,” even though a clown blasts through the toilet?

NEW: Join the RYNdustries fan club

Kids certainly don’t always get along with their parents. But we hope the tension never turns ugly enough for the kids to haul off and kill them.

Kevin Black/submitted photo

Such was allegedly the case earlier this week when 50-year old Kevin Black reportedly shot and killed his stepfather, Kenneth Phipps, 76.

Mom was in the house at the time of the shooting, although she is bedridden and suffers from dementia, police said. Black’s half-sister, age 47, was also there; she’s the one who ran outside yelling for help.

Police said the fatal shooting came during an argument between stepfather and son about Black walking around the house wearing a gun belt. Black had also been on the police’s radar in the past for stealing things from his family to feed his drug habit.

Kids who kill off their parents or stepparents usually do so a tad earlier than the age of 50 – since the younger kids can’t just pick up and leave as an adult can – but no matter what the age, the outcome is just as tragic.

Some of the most recent statistics, which are already 20 years old, determined more than 300 parents were killed by their children each year between 1977 and 1986. That’s about 25 dead moms or pops each month. Compared to other murders, that’s also very rare.

Parent-killing children generally fall into three types, according to parricide expert Kathleen Heide.

Sidewalk art anonymous/Photo Ryn Gargulinski

We have the kids who were cruelly abused; those who are suffering from mental illness; and the most dangerous of the bunch – the uncaring and selfish children afflicted with an antisocial personality disorder. This disorder is marked with, among other things, a blatant disregard of pretty much everyone’s rights but their own.

Never mind the commandment about honoring thy father and mother, kids who murder their parents are already breaking an even bigger rule.

Lizzie Borden was perhaps the most notorious of suspected parent killers, although she was acquitted of the 1892 crime.

Tensions were high in the Borden household when Lizzie purportedly hacked her dad and stepmother to death with an axe, some say after poisoning them didn’t work. One theory is it had something to do with seizures she was having during her menstrual cycle.

The Menendez brothers, who were convicted of gunning down their parents in 1989, are also up there on the notoriety list. Although they were brought up in a mansion and both college students when the crime went down, there are claims their dad was too tough on them.

By all means, then, shoot him.

It was later learned the double murder may have been all about the money.

My current true crime read, Cold Kill, is in the midst of outlining another slain parents tale of woe in 1982.

Adult child Cindy Ray Campbell spun skeins of delusional lies about how horribly her parents had treated her growing up. She was chained to the toilet. She was repeatedly raped.

Her boyfriend David West believed the lies. He also believed he’d get half her inheritance if he helped out his gal. So she finally convinced him to blow them away as they slept.

While we may not know every detail in these crimes, like what the heck goes through a child’s head when he pulls the trigger or she wields that ax, we do know that society’s view of parricide has gotten softer.

What once was totally and horrendously unthinkable is now, well, perhaps in some cases nearly justifiable.

A case in point is Billie Joe Powell, 16, who reportedly shot and killed her dad after he had allegedly abused her. Her Ohio community banned together with petitions and support to attempt to get her tried as a juvenile rather than an adult so she’d get a more lenient sentence.

How nice of them.

The judge was nice about it, too, not sentencing Powell to any prison term. Her 1993 plea agreement had her pleading guilty to first-degree manslaughter in exchange for 88 days in jail, five years probation and four years of psychological counseling.

So does the abuse of a child condone the murder of a father? We have to wonder if anything is horrific enough for a kid to take his parent’s life, the same life that brought him into the world in the first place.

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who wants to stay at the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast in Fall River, Mass. It’s supposed to be haunted. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What do you think?

Is there anything that would justify a child killing his or her parents?

Do you like Lizzie Borden?

Have you heard any other horror stories? Do tell.

Robbing a bank is a quick, easy way to make some cash – for about five minutes.

Surveillance photo from bank robbery/Ryn Gargulinski

Well, it may take a tad longer for the police to catch you. But they most likely will.

“We are very successful in catching bank robbers,” said Tucson police Sgt. Fabian Pacheco. “The majority of the time they are caught.”

After all, he added, police are handed handy photos of the folks from the surveillance cameras.

Bank employees may get a bit suspicious if a customer saunters in wearing pantyhose over his head, so most robbers have their faces in plain view.

Unless the robber immediately soaks his face in caustic acid to eat away the features, there’s a pretty good chance someone somewhere is going to recognize the thief.

Pacheco added it’s even easier if you know where to look, which is around drug circles, as many rob banks to feed a habit.

Tucson averages two to three bank robberies each month. Police stats for 2009 put bank robberies at 22; we had 40 in 2008, perhaps a bit increased due to the recession; and 2007 totaled out at 33.

Surveillance photo from bank robbery/submitted photo

Folks think it’s easy to get away with the money – because it is.

“Some of the banks procedures are to have employees comply with robber demands,” Pacheco said. “To get them out of the bank so no one gets hurt.”

A panic alarm gets police on the scene pretty quickly and the money, even if it is never recovered, is covered by the FDIC.

Some robbers make it even easier for the police. How nice.

One incredibly smart dude in Tucson robbed a bank by writing out his robbery demand note on the back of his own bank deposit slip. So cliché.

Another Tucson bank robber was a bit more original. He used regular paper to write out his demand note, which read: “Give me $100, $50, $20.”

So the teller handed him a single $100 bill, a single $50 and a single $20. He took them and left.

Surveillance photo of bank robbery/submitted photo

Other dumb bank robberies across the nation, as noted on DumbCriminals.com, include:

One man who spent 10 months in prison for robbing a bank, only to get out and go rob the exact same bank. Guess he wanted to see if he could get it right the second time around.

A robber who needed to hitch a ride as his getaway after robbing a bank – which is dumb enough on its own – ended up hitching a ride from an undercover cop.

A nervous Nellie thief who was frazzled enough to leave something at the scene – his wallet.

Police found a treasure trove of info inside the wallet, including the guy’s driver’s license, his Social Security card and a criminal registration card.

One more genius robber was noted on BankInfoSecurity.com. This robber was especially brilliant because of his day job – he was a rookie cop for the New York City Police Department.

At least the bank he robbed wasn’t in the Big Apple, but rather in Muhlenberg Township, Penn. Christian Torres threatened two tellers with his gun, which may have been police issued, until they handed over $113,000.

Surveillance photo /submitted photo

They also hit the panic button, so police were on the scene to arrest Torres just as he was pulling out of the parking lot.

The bank got their money back and Torres was suspended from the police force without pay.

Now we hope the suspension was only temporary until the investigation is complete and he gets his butt fired. Otherwise we have something even dumber than the botched robbery here.

—

—

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who thinks going to a light fixture store is more exciting than going to a bank. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

Have you ever tried to rob a bank? What happened?

If you were going to rob a bank, would you wear bright pink stretch pants?

Have you heard other stories of really dumb criminals?

Chocolate may be a tasty treat for most kids – save for those stuck as slaves in the cocoa fields.

Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

Hundreds of thousands of children in West Africa toil 12-hour days in sickening and dangerous conditions – at no pay – just so folks elsewhere can get some cheap candy and coffee, according to the organization Global Exchange.

I’m betting just the thought of chocolate makes those kids sick. That is, if they have ever been lucky enough to taste some or even know what it is.

Global Exchange does more than just fret and moan about it. For the third year in a row, its Reverse Trick or Treating program is in full swing, expecting to hit some 250,000 households throughout the U.S. and Canada.

The campaign is on here in Tucson at the Volunteer Center in Southern Arizona, 924 N. Alvernon Way.

Between five and 15 kids, ages 11 through 18, are expected to participate. They will hit the streets around 5 p.m. on Halloween armed with fair trade chocolate and information to hand out to folks who open their doors.

Before anyone starts panicking, no one is asking you to throw out that large, costly batch of candy you have in the decorative bowl by your door.

Nor is anyone telling you to boycott candy or coffee that doesn’t come from free trade certified vendors.

You’re just being asked to think about what it’s like for those kids, the ones who are permanently ripped out of school to pick cocoa pods all day just so their family can survive.

And those are the fortunate ones.

Other African kids are actually sold – by their own families – to traffickers with the promise of a cocoa job on the Ivory Coast where they will send home their wages, Global Exchange says.

Once the family is out of sight, however, the kids are put to work with nearly or absolutely no pay from about 6 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.

We doubt they get a lunch break.

Tasks include cleaning machetes, playing with pesticides and scaling high branches to cut down cocoa pods, which are split open for the beans to be scooped out.

It takes 400 cocoa pods to make a single pound of chocolate.

Enjoy your candy.

Cadbury provided a huge leap for the industry when it became the first major brand to earn fair trade certification earlier this year. While the certification is thus far only for its dairy milk chocolate bars in the United Kingdom, it plans to follow suit with other products in other countries.

Hershey’s is in the process of being targeted by advocates to become the first big U.S.-based company to achieve fair trade certification.

In the meantime, you can make sure to buy only fair trade chocolate and coffee. I checked out the selection at the Global Exchange’s online fair trade store thinking the prices would be ridiculous. Some are, but others are reasonable.

Any individual effort can help, but the major changes will most likely take major companies, like good ole Hershey’s and major coffee firms, to join the fray.

Now go enjoy your Halloween. And don’t feel guilty about eating that candy bar – even though it may have taken some 52 starving slave children with scabby knees and machete scars littering their stick-figure arms to help make it.

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who doesn’t eat chocolate but enjoys her coffee. She likes the idea of fair trade products but has to yet to solely seek them out. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What do you think?

Is this a valid concern or just another way for people to draw customers away from big businesses?

Do you really care where your products come from as long as they are cheap?

Will you be changing your chocolate and coffee consumption in any way?

Rynski column

by Rynski on Oct.23, 2009, under Pets/animals, Police/fire/law, Rynski column, Stupidity, crime, danger, death, environment, gross stuff, life, politics

The case of the duct taped coyote – Does anyone care about coyote abuse?

Tucsonan Joe Gardner was on one of his favorite day trips to Lochiel, about 100 miles southeast of Tucson, where the air is clean and the land pristine – usually.

Except when he finds a dead duct taped coyote.

Duct taped coyote/submitted photo

During his trek about two weeks ago, the 62-year-old who grew up in the Lochiel area noted buzzards circling about and followed their feast to find a mutilated carcass.

The coyote was definitely dead, with a hole in his underside where something had chewed out his entrails. He had not been skinned, but the two front legs and two back legs had been secured with tape, leaving him defenseless, provided he had still been alive when taped.

“I was surprised and puzzled and wondered about mutilation stories I had heard in the past,” Gardner said, “but those involved livestock, not wild animals. I also wondered if it was some kind of sick message for human smugglers, who are also referred to as coyotes.”

He vaguely recalled stories of livestock’s organs and genitalia being removed with “precision-appearing incisions” some time back in Cochise County. Perhaps Jack the Ripper of the cattle world.

Yet he had never seen such abuse of coyotes.

Lochiel school house/submitted photo

“I have not an inkling as to who or why would bind a coyote and leave it out for the buzzards,” he said. “I was born and raised in the area, and as a matter of fact, this was right in front of the one room school I attended when I was a kid. I know just about everyone who lives in the area, and can’t imagine any locals doing this, as they live in the area because they love and respect the land.”

Nothing respectful about a duct taped coyote.

Arizona’s animal cruelty felony law, ARS 13-2910, slaps a felony on anyone that “intentionally, knowingly or recklessly inflicts unnecessary physical injury to any animal.”

Awesome law. But it may not apply in the case of the duct taped coyote.

“Law enforcement would have to successfully allege that it was cruelty,” explained Marsh Myers, spokesman for the Animal Cruelty Taskforce of Southern Arizona. “Since coyotes can be legally hunted, an investigation would have to rule this possibility out. Sometimes the animal is hunted and then the carcass is just left to rot. It’s a sloppy practice but it happens all the time.”

In that case, it’s OK.

Many hunters are respectful – even reverent – about nature and engage in the sport for much more than just the kill. But there are always the idiots.

In another coyote case earlier this year, six mutilated carcasses were found dumped in a creek near an Oklahoma high school.

The critters had been skinned, with their front legs chopped off at the knees and their remains unceremoniously hurled where teens could easily find them.

The animals were originally thought to be dogs and all hell broke loose. Necropsies revealed they had been a half dozen coyotes. Hell kind of subsided.

While Oklahoma, like Arizona, does have animal cruelty laws with severe penalties, it would probably not apply if the animals were being hunted for their fur.

Authorities in Ohio were going nuts in 2007 trying to find the sicko who apparently skinned and boiled a dog – while it was still alive.

The animal, identified by a vet as a chow/pit bull mix, was fully skinned except for fur left on its paws, had cuts on its legs and neck and had wire wound around one of the back legs.

Someone finally did come forward to confess – that the animal was not a dog at all but simply a coyote he hunted but didn’t dispose of properly.

Even though the vet had initially been wrong about the animal’s identification, calling it a dog, the doc was not wrong about the animal having been still alive when it was boiled and skinned.

No matter. It was just a coyote.

The case was immediately closed and all pending criminal charges promptly dropped.

Do you care if coyotes are mutilated or abused?

Yes – people who torture any animal should be tortured themselves.
Yes – even if the coyote is being hunted, it should not have to unduly suffer.
No – if the coyote is being hunted, it’s OK to torture it.
No – coyotes deserve to be tortured. They are evil and they smell.
I have no opinion because I watch TV and eat marshmallows all day.

Yes – people who torture any animal should be tortured themselves.		68%
Yes – even if the coyote is being hunted, it should not have to unduly suffer.		29%
No – if the coyote is being hunted, it’s OK to torture it.		0%
No – coyotes deserve to be tortured. They are evil and they smell.		0%
I have no opinion because I watch TV and eat marshmallows all day.		1%
426 users voted

Voting/Results

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who loves coyotes as much as she loves wolves but not as much as she loves her dogs. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

Tucsonan Joe Gardner was on one of his favorite day trips to Lochiel, about 100 miles southeast of Tucson, where the air is clean and the land pristine – usually.

Except when he finds a dead duct taped coyote.

Duct taped coyote/submitted photo

During his trek about two weeks ago, the 62-year-old who grew up in the Lochiel area noted buzzards circling about and followed their feast to find a mutilated carcass.

The coyote was definitely dead, with a hole in his underside where something had chewed out his entrails. He had not been skinned, but the two front legs and two back legs had been secured with tape, leaving him defenseless, provided he had still been alive when taped.

“I was surprised and puzzled and wondered about mutilation stories I had heard in the past,” Gardner said, “but those involved livestock, not wild animals. I also wondered if it was some kind of sick message for human smugglers, who are also referred to as coyotes.”

He vaguely recalled stories of livestock’s organs and genitalia being removed with “precision-appearing incisions” some time back in Cochise County. Perhaps Jack the Ripper of the cattle world.

Yet he had never seen such abuse of coyotes.

Lochiel school house/submitted photo

“I have not an inkling as to who or why would bind a coyote and leave it out for the buzzards,” he said. “I was born and raised in the area, and as a matter of fact, this was right in front of the one room school I attended when I was a kid. I know just about everyone who lives in the area, and can’t imagine any locals doing this, as they live in the area because they love and respect the land.”

Nothing respectful about a duct taped coyote.

Arizona’s animal cruelty felony law, ARS 13-2910, slaps a felony on anyone that “intentionally, knowingly or recklessly inflicts unnecessary physical injury to any animal.”

Awesome law. But it may not apply in the case of the duct taped coyote.

“Law enforcement would have to successfully allege that it was cruelty,” explained Marsh Myers, spokesman for the Animal Cruelty Taskforce of Southern Arizona. “Since coyotes can be legally hunted, an investigation would have to rule this possibility out. Sometimes the animal is hunted and then the carcass is just left to rot. It’s a sloppy practice but it happens all the time.”

In that case, it’s OK.

Many hunters are respectful – even reverent – about nature and engage in the sport for much more than just the kill. But there are always the idiots.

In another coyote case earlier this year, six mutilated carcasses were found dumped in a creek near an Oklahoma high school.

The critters had been skinned, with their front legs chopped off at the knees and their remains unceremoniously hurled where teens could easily find them.

The animals were originally thought to be dogs and all hell broke loose. Necropsies revealed they had been a half dozen coyotes. Hell kind of subsided.

While Oklahoma, like Arizona, does have animal cruelty laws with severe penalties, it would probably not apply if the animals were being hunted for their fur.

Authorities in Ohio were going nuts in 2007 trying to find the sicko who apparently skinned and boiled a dog – while it was still alive.

The animal, identified by a vet as a chow/pit bull mix, was fully skinned except for fur left on its paws, had cuts on its legs and neck and had wire wound around one of the back legs.

Someone finally did come forward to confess – that the animal was not a dog at all but simply a coyote he hunted but didn’t dispose of properly.

Even though the vet had initially been wrong about the animal’s identification, calling it a dog, the doc was not wrong about the animal having been still alive when it was boiled and skinned.

No matter. It was just a coyote.

The case was immediately closed and all pending criminal charges promptly dropped.

__

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who loves coyotes as much as she loves wolves but not as much as she loves her dogs. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What do you think?

Is there a way to better enforce – or even prove – the animal cruelty felony law?

Can anything be done to better protect hunted wildlife from undue abuse?

A Tucson pizza guy was fired after being accused of throwing dough balls at and drawing a chalk penis on the outside wall of Magpies Gourmet Pizza on Broadway.

Photo Ryn Gargulinski

While the premise may be a tad humorous, Casey Lemme’s story is anything but.

Lemme is 30, just finished his bachelor’s in history at University of Arizona and is a well-liked fellow. He has three dogs, a sweet wife and has worked at Magpies for the past 10 years while he completed his degree.

But his denial meant nothing. Another worker, who was supervisor on the day of the chalk penis incident, was also slated to be fired over it. She was instead tipped off in advance and simply never came back to work.

Lemme had no clue when he arrived to work his 4 p.m. shift on Sept. 27 that he would be immediately called into the office and axed.

He said Magpies President Mike Acedo was at the Broadway location to do the honors.

“He told me somebody from the property management company called and saw me outside drawing penises on the wall,” Lemme said. “I was throwing dough balls, apparently, as well.”

Lemme asked Acedo to view the videotape from the outdoor security camera but said he refused.

Photo Ryn Gargulinski

Acedo did not wish to comment on the incident when I called him, but did say something to the effect of “We are happy with the outcome” which followed “company procedure.” He said there was no videotape.

He also mentioned the dough balls and chalk penis drawings were a recurring theme and the person responsible admitted to it, but would not say if that person were Lemme.

“Yes, I wrote the words ‘I like chalk,’ on the pavement,” Lemme said he told him, “but I assure you have not drawn a penis or thrown dough balls. That’s childish and I don’t really have the time. I have work to do.”

Lemme said chalk was always kept in the office and finding chalk drawings or writing was not uncommon, but he has never seen a chalk penis.

In a last bid to clear his name, Lemme went down to the corporate office after his firing, even though he didn’t think it would do much good.

“I told them, ‘If you don’t want me working there, fine, but I can’t have this on my record,’” he said.

No dice. Lemme will instead be haunted by the dough balls and chalk penis.

“He is wrongfully accused and now he faces problems when applying for a new job since his name has been tarnished with this filthy lie,” his wife Louise Nilsson wrote in an e-mail. She’s originally from Sweden and they are living off the savings from selling her house there until Casey finds a new job.

“Is there no rights for workers in this country? Why is it that businesses can do what they want to innocent workers and have their future ruined because they feel like it? I don’t understand how there is nothing that protects the worker from this kind of thing.”

Photo Ryn Gargulinski

Good questions, Louise.

While researching dumb reasons people get fired, I found they run the gamut to “position eliminated” to “not a good fit.”

The former can hold true even if someone was hired to do the exact same or similar job and the company slaps on a different title. The latter can be a catchall for pretty much anything at all.

One woman was fired for refusing to sign a written reprimand for something she denied doing.

Sure, there’s unemployment, which pays a ridiculous fraction of our salary and sometimes gets denied. Who knows what the outcome would be over the dough balls and chalk incident.

All Lemme knows is it’s time to move forward. And be glad that Brooklyn Pizza Company finally beat out Magpies as Tucson Weekly’s Best of Tucson pick for 2009.

__

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who has never been fired for graffiti although it did once really freak out one of her former bosses. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What do you think?

Have you or someone you know ever been unfairly fired? What happened?

What’s the dumbest reason you know of someone getting fired?

What would you do if you were Casey?

PLEASE NOTE: Casey’s last name is Lemme. It was originally posted incorrectly as Nilsson, which is his wife’s last name.

A new national pastime for men has supplanted baseball or golf – one that uses a different set of equipment.

Marriage becomes a joke with cheating spouses/Ryn Gargulinski

The hobby is cheating on their wives.

The latest on the list of skirt chasers is America’s own funnyman David Letterman. He admitted to having past sexual liaisons with some of his show’s employees.

This summer, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford confessed a year-long affair with a woman in Argentina.

Take it back to 2008 and New York’s Gov. Eliot Spitzer was resigning after stories of his hooker romps surfaced.

And no one will ever forget former President Bill Clinton and the infamously stained blue dress.

Enough already.

While the men may moan about a variety of different reasons they chose to cheat – from a thirst for power and thrills to not getting enough attention at home – the end result is a slap in the face to their marriages.

Before they even think about unbuckling their belts with a hooker, looker or woman from Argentina, they should think about a more feasible option.

It’s this thing called divorce. In the best-case scenario, it is followed by that thing called moving on with their lives.

People still get hurt, but at least they are left with some dignity.

America’s divorce rate is already at 50 percent. A few more here and there aren’t going to make much of a difference.

It would also spare the rest of the country a lot of grief.

No longer would households be subjected to bad late night TV jokes about the Appalachian Trail.

Bookstores would not be clogged down with banal best sellers, like Sanford’s wife’s memoir expected next summer.

Ballantine Books is promoting it by saying it “will grapple with the universal issue of maintaining integrity and a sense of self during life’s difficult times” as well as bring up “the emotions, confrontations and heartbreak behind the headlines of her story.”

It also sounds like enough to make bile rise in the throat.

Maintaining this integrity and sense of self would have been much easier if the couple had simply divorced.

The “heartbreak,” also, may have been there, but not with the same amount of shame.

The Spitzer trysts, too, are expected to be part of a book written by “New York Madam” Cecil Suwal.

More garbage for the book charts.

America would also be spared the tragic symbol of Hillary “I’ll-Stand-by-my-Man” Clinton as the graceful way to deal with a husband’s infidelities.

Even if it is less graceful, it has to be much more satisfying to kick the bum out on his bum.

Demand a divorce. Better yet, divorce before the marriage crumbles to the cheating stages.

Cheating on a spouse is the epitome of dishonesty – especially when the men decide to lie about it. Even openly admitting it is a lame stab at honestly, since the dishonest deed is already done.

Divorce, at least, is honest. “Hey, I can’t live with you anymore,” also hurts a lot less than, “Honey, I just slept with a hooker.”

This editorial appears in the Monday, Oct. 12 issue of the Arizona Daily Star.

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who never had a cheating spouse but would kick his butt if she did. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What do you think?

Are you sick of all these skirt chasing stories or are you going to buy the books?

Should women and men stick by their philandering spouses or throw them in the gutter?

With a profession that surrounds him with Playboy Playmates and rock stars – not to mention his first feature film coming out in a few months – it may sound like Tucsonan Benny Kennedy has the world at his feet.

Benny Kennedy in action/submitted photo

But that didn’t come without hard work, sacrifice, and tough stuff along the way. He also never let go of his biggest asset – his dreams.

This 34-year-old, happily married “father” of four Jack Russell terriers will be quick to tell you that even the entertainment business has its fair share of, shall we say, difficult people.

“I have worked with more delightful celebs than difficult ones, thank God,” Kennedy said.

One of the best was Playboy Playmate Colleen Shannon, who was serious about promoting her club deejay career. She even wrote a glowing letter to Hugh Heffner about how much fun she had in Tucson.

Not all are as dreamy.

Drugs and alcohol are huge issues for many in the entertainment business, with some bands being paid in beer alone.

But the jerkiest encounters involved a dishonest club honor and an overnight sensation that hijacked a car only to take it to New Mexico and get arrested.

Perhaps “hijacked” is too strong a word, as Kennedy had willingly let Corey Clark borrow the rented vehicle while he was promoting Clark at DV8 Nightclub.

Clark, as some may know, became famous during the second season of American Idol after he was disqualified for legal trouble and then claimed to have slept with Paula Abdul. He had completed a couple of gigs Kennedy booked for him and had one more appearance on the agenda.

Clark never made the final appearance, as he was arrested in New Mexico for violating his parole – the same legal trouble that got him disqualified from the show. The car got shipped back and all ended OK, but not without some heartache.

Heartache was also on the agenda when Kennedy booked local actress Tiffany Shepis, who was the scream queen of horror and the host of Playboy TV, at a local venue.

Working with her was fine – it was the venue’s owner who became a pain when he decided he didn’t want to pay.

“Maybe the 550 people that attended did not buy enough drinks or something,” Kennedy said. “I am not sure but, he was not happy and he refused to pay Tiffany her appearance fee.”

Since Kennedy didn’t have the cash, he instead had to break the news to the scream queen.

“She was obviously nowhere near happy and used quite a few choice phrases that described sexual acts with one’s self, but in the end she was paid and vowed to never work with me again,” Kennedy said. “I learned at that moment to never do an event unless you have the money to back up every last promise and to be sure every agreement that is signed covers your butt entirely.”

Benny Kennedy on stage/submitted photo

Kennedy also learned a lot in the U.S. Navy, where he enlisted right after high school.

“Growing up without a father was a strain on me as well as on my mother who only wanted to make sure I became a good man,” he said. “In a way the Navy became my father.

“It taught me how to fight, how to shoot a gun, how to interact with people in a strong and professional manner as well as learn organization and cleanliness. It also taught me how to work under pressure and what the meaning of loyalty and teamwork really was. I also learned how to cook for 500 people, which could come in handy some day.”

Other life experiences were felt in his bones, like knowing he needed to be in the entertainment business.

“Ever since I heard my voice on a recording I was fascinated with production,” he said. “Then when I got my hands on a video camera I was hooked for life.”

He also dabbled in radio and film as a teen, but knew just being passionate about something may not pay the bills.

“I grew up in a very low income household and was raised like many by a single mother who did everything she could to nurture my passions but, at the same time she showed me the harsh realities of life,” he said.

“I’ve worked as a cook, a martial arts teacher, a security guard, a strip club bouncer; I’ve repaired and manufactured aircraft interiors, promoted and managed rock bands, handled entertainment of nightclubs, worked with celebrities and music artists promoting and producing special events and concerts.” Kennedy also does freelance writing, voice over projects and event production – check out his website ProjectBennyBlanco.com.

Oh, and don’t forget to add his feature film, “Alien, Alien,” to his credits. The movie is being co-produced with Tucson native and Hollywood producer Mark Headley and will be screened this winter at the Loft Theater.

Kennedy’s main passion, always, has been making people laugh – even the security guards who escorted him out of the parking lot when he was once let go from a job.

“You can’t believe how stressed-out security people get when they have to escort someone who was just laid off to their car,” he said.

He also wants to send a message that any dream is attainable – even working with Playboy Playmates in the entertainment industry – as long as you’re willing to work for it.

“Always remember this is a business that thrives on hopes and dreams,” he said, “and the moment you stop dreaming there is no hope for success.”

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who loves to dream big and make art out of debris. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What celebrity would you love to work with?

Who was the most difficult person you ever had to work with?

Would you ever want to work in the entertainment business?

Are you going to see Benny’s film when it comes out?

Working from home has a bazillion perks – from lounging around in pajamas to bouncing ideas off your dogs.

Typcial Tucson traffic/Ryn Gargulinski

But the biggest perk, by far, is not having to deal with Tucson traffic.

The few times I do have to drive each week I have become so acutely aware of how bad some drivers can be that it’s actually painful.

Tucson’s top five worst driving habits are so widespread, in fact, they may actually be perceived as diseases.

Let’s start with putt putt disorder – Unlike it may sound, this ailment has nothing to do with golf – unless you note those suffering from putt putt disorder move as slowly as a golf game on TV.

Putt putters especially enjoy speeding up to cut in front of you, only to have the disorder kick in the moment you are locked in behind them.

They will proceed to putt putt down the road at an agonizing slow pace nowhere near the speed limit. They will also habitually take the left lane, especially when the lane has a sign that asks slower traffic to move to the right.

Putt putt disorder leads to late appointments and wasted gas from averaging between 14 and 22 mph with lots of sudden braking in between.

Some driving disorders can lead to crashes/Ryn Gargulinski

Fishbowl syndrome – Unlike putt putters who take it slow all the time, those suffering from fishbowl syndrome are afflicted only when they have to make a turn.

It will not matter if they were cruising down the road at a keen 45 mph. Nor will it matter if there are seven cars on their tail.

The minute they have to turn left or right they will come to a complete stop and then slowly maneuver around the bend, as if they were protecting a fishbowl perched on the front seat from splashing.

Wouldn’t want to kill that goldfish, now.

Fishbowl syndrome can definitely lead to rear end collisions and a lot of ruined roads from all those skid marks right behind them.

Blinker oblivion – If we took a random poll of Tucson drivers to ask them what the blinker is used for, we could probably bet at least half of them would not even know their cars were outfitted with such a feature.

The other half would not know how to shut it off.

This ailment could easily lead to sideswipes, T-bones, collisions with pedestrians, motorcycles and bicyclists, and a bad case of road rage.

Slow down, now!/Ryn Gargulinski

Green light paralysis – This is definitely a Tucson thing, for in no other city have I ever seen a line of cars just continue to sit there when the light turns green.

Even when the cars do begin to move, they will do so at such a crawl that by the time it’s your turn to go through the intersection, the light is once again red.

Green light paralysis can lead to missing the next seven or more lights since the dude at the front of the line is most often the one who is paralyzed.

This ailment can also induce headaches from the blaring horns.

Speed camera hypnosis – Similar to green light paralysis but not as terminal, speed camera hypnosis only slows down the driver rather than stops him completely.

Whenever there is a posting, sign or actual sighting of a speed camera in the area, many motorists will automatically go into a stupor that lies at least 10 miles below the actual speed limit.

Speed camera hypnosis causes neck tension and backups, not unlike a real bad case of heartburn.

While these driving diseases may seem insurmountable, they can be cured with a lot of practice, common sense and a dose of that thing called driving school.

In fact, take two classes and call me in the morning.

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who often thinks sticking toothpicks in your eyes would be more than driving in Tucson traffic.  Listen to a preview of her column at 8:10 a.m. Thursdays on KLPX 96.1 FM. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

Photo Ryn Gargulinski

What Tucson driving habit irks you the most?

Are you guilty of any bad driving habits? What are they?

Do you think Tucson should try enforcing the MINIMUM speed limit to offset all the Putt Putt Disorders?

Rabbit heads, toy trucks, and hockey sticks are not great things to flush down the toilet. But folks still do it.

Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

“Anything you can flush down a toilet,” said Butch Burnette, manager of Tucson Plumbing, “someone will eventually find it.”

A whole host of plumbing calamities from across the nation are outlined in a new book, “Chilling Tales from the Porcelain Seat,” with commentary by two Roto-Rooter guys, Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson, who double as stars of Ghost Hunters on the SciFi Channel.

The book makes for great bathroom reading – especially since it was custom-sized to fit atop of the toilet tank – as long as you don’t read about the tree frog that snuck up on a man’s privates while he was sitting on his throne.

False teeth were at the top of Burnette’s list of the weirdest things pulled from Old Pueblo potties.

“It’s actually fairly common, believe it or not,” he said. “People end up getting drunk and they puke then wake up and can’t find their teeth.”

Yes, it’s funny, he said – except, of course, for the people who lost the teeth.

Another body part Burnette has been sent to retrieve is a glass eye, with no explanation as to how or why it got there.

Photo Ryn Gargulinski

Some of the stuff found by Roto-Rooter in the book has included a live Civil War cannon shell, hats, toupees, eyeglasses, drug money, cell phones, garden hoses, prisoner pants from an Ohio jail, doorknobs and a hummingbird feeder.

Animals or their parts, like a rabbit head that clogged a toilet after being flushed as the rest of the rabbit was served for dinner, are another strange sewage find.

Burnette once pulled a baby roadrunner from a sewer line, surmising it must have fallen in through a vent or grating.

“I didn’t know what it was,” he said. “I saw a lot of skin at first and then long feathers. It was very strange.”

While Burnette says he never found any dogs, cats or even alligators in the sewers, one of his family members did discover baby coyotes that got in through a drainage canal.

Rattlesnakes and a 4-foot boa constrictor are on the Roto-Rooter guys’ list, as are frogs, pigs, skunks, squirrels, mice, rats and Cornish game hens.

Live kittens have also been rescued from sewer drains, using a fiber optic camera and lots of patience.

Tucson’s eucalyptus trees and oleander may look dandy on the surface, but they, too, are killers when it comes to pipes.

“You can drive anywhere in Tucson and find some really bad root systems,” Burnette said.

“Chilling Tales” explained how pipes, especially old ones, will get miniscule cracks which are quickly filled by roots seeking underground water. More roots will thrive off the tendrils and the next thing you know, you’ve got hundreds of pounds of roots clogging up the waterlines.

The largest root record in “Chilling Tales” is held by a 201-foot, 1,500-pound root that was pulled from a drain in Monterey, Calif., back in 1997.

Photo Ryn Gargulinski

I wanted yet another reason to hate Bermuda grass, but Burnette said the grass roots only reach about 6 inches deep, while pipes are nestled at least 1 foot underground.

As fun as all this sewage pipe stuff may be, one of the most amusing—and disgusting—discoveries was in women’s outhouses near California’s Shasta Lake, “Chilling Tales” reports.

The find was a man who sat at the bottom of the outhouses in a lawn chair with an umbrella.

When police finally confronted the guy, who was donning thigh-high fishing boots and waders, he had a simple explanation for his antics.

He had just been looking for his wife’s wedding ring.

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who hates when her pedometer falls in the toilet. Listen to a preview of her column at 8:10 a.m. Thursdays on KLPX 96.1 FM. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

What’s the strangest thing you ever flushed or heard about being flushed down the toilet?

Are any items important enough to you to retrieve from an outhouse?