The slayings of two beautiful children in New York by their nanny has horrified parents across the country. Such a gruesome story has also forced parents to think about the unthinkable and consider whether or not the precautions they have taken to ensure the safety of their children are adequate. Until law enforcement officials release additional information, we can only speculate regarding the motive or what, if anything, could have been done to avoid this tragedy. But aside from the details in this particular case, the fact remains that parents can’t be too vigilant when it comes to screening their own child care providers.

Most people involved in the nanny industry would agree that it lacks necessary regulation. Currently, anyone can call themselves a nanny and the invention of online nanny finder sites only makes it easier for potentially harmful people to pose as a qualified and safe child care provider.  Jordan Liu, a babysitter with a care provider profile on sittercity.com and care.com, was arrested in 2011 for molesting two children in his care. He had apparently passed numerous background checks conducted by the online nanny locator sites his profile was listed on. I have personally encountered nannies who have also passed these background checks but have failed a more thorough background investigation. While many wonderful nannies and sitters have profiles on these sites, the risk may be too great for parents to rely completely on the self-proclaimed qualifications and accolades presented in these online profiles.

Thankfully, organizations like the International Nanny Association are making efforts to professionalize the nanny industry by setting high standards for both nannies and nanny agencies. Good nanny agencies will usually go beyond a standard background check and will also require that an applicant be fingerprinted, pass drug tests or personality-based tests and some nannies found through agencies will also be bonded and insured. One may also argue that industry professionals have been able to fine tune their intuition when it comes to weeding out bad candidates since they meet and interview hundreds and hundreds of candidates each year. They simply know what to look for when it comes to identifying some of the personality traits or warning signs that may not be apparent on paper or be revealed in a background check. Unsuspecting or inexperienced parents on the other hand are less likely to pick up on these nuances, especially when the nanny they are considering was referred by someone they trust. In this case, many families forgo a background check or reference checks altogether. Neglecting to do so can have disastrous consequences.

Crimes such as the ones in New York by caregivers against their charges are extremely rare. But parents should think beyond those worst case scenarios. A nanny who verbally or emotionally abuses children, a nanny who steals, a nanny who neglects the children in her care or fails to uphold the parents’ wishes while they are away—all of these situations can be seriously harmful, too. So what is a family to do?

According to INA,  families who choose to find a nanny on their own, whether through an online site or through referrals from friends, should conduct their own background check and screening process on any candidate they consider for employment. Parents should, “Verify and authenticate a nanny candidate’s identity to ensure that the candidate is using real and accurate information about his or her own identity, verify employment and educational history and applicable credentials and licenses, perform state and county criminal record searches for every jurisdiction where the candidate has worked and lived, using any and all names the candidate has used, for at least the past seven years, depending upon applicable state laws, perform a sex offender registry search for all 50 states, D.C., Puerto Rico and Guam, review the candidate’s driving record,” and more. (www.nanny.org)

As a nanny and as a mother,  my heart breaks for the parents of the children who lost their lives at the hands of the nanny they trusted. The pictures displaying the grieving mother’s agony resonate with parents everywhere. What could be more devastating than to come home to find such a scene? Parents will never be able to protect their babies from all harm and even when we take all precautions, we can’t always predict or avoid evil of this magnitude. But educating ourselves on resources available may make all the difference. May those precious babies rest in peace.

For more information on best safety practices for families and nannies, the International Nanny Association is an excellent resource. INA is a non-profit dedicated to professionalizing the nanny industry and making the process of finding a nanny safer for all parties involved.

Rosalind Prather, a local “momtrepreneur,” is a former professional nanny and currently co-owns Trusting Connections, Tucson’s premier nanny agency. For more information visit www.trustingconnections.com.  

When families come to us for help, many times they have been beaten up by one bad nanny after another and they are hell bent on not making the same hiring mistakes again. They come armed with a laundry list of gripes and a black list of all the traits they never want to see again. There are plenty of horror stories that can be told among parents who have ever used a nanny or babysitter. But having been on both sides of the fence as a nanny, a parent, and as an agency owner representing both parties, I am constantly reminded that there are three sides to (almost) every story.

Most parents assume that the key to a happy and lasting relationship with a nanny is to find one that exhibits all the qualities that they have learned they need without thinking about what kind of family they are to work for.  Certainly there are plenty of terrible nannies. Believe us–we know!  But I would also like to challenge parents to be more introspective and to think about some of the ways in which they may be sabotaging the nanny’s performance.

When my husband and I got married and were thinking about how we would approach marriage differently so that ours wouldn’t end up in divorce like so many do, we were inspired by a quote by Wilfred Arlan Peterson on “The Art of A Good Marriage” in which he states, “It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.”

In many ways, this idea can certainly be applied to the relationship between parents and their nannies. Even the most well-intentioned parents are guilty of one or more of the following “no-nos.” I know because I have met, counseled and worked with hundreds of local families. Recognizing your role in the way your last relationship with a nanny or babysitter soured is critical in ensuring your happiness with others down the road.  Remember, it is just as important to be the right kind of family to work for if you want to bring out the best in your nanny.

Luckily, we have the inside scoop. We have also met, interviewed and worked with hundreds of local nannies and recently posed the following question to them: “What are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to the families you work for?” Leaving out the obvious, (for example no nanny wants to tackle major behavioral problems everyday even if they are capable of it), we took their responses and shared them below. We also considered the factors that led to the “falling out” of families and nannies we have observed in our agency. From an unbiased, third-party perspective, here is what we came up with:

Warning—some of this might not be easy to hear. I am presenting an unsugar-coated perspective and frankly, some of it is harsh! Also some names have been changed to protect the identity of the nanny.

The Most Common Complaints from Nannies

Tardiness. You wouldn’t embrace your nanny’s tardiness and your nanny doesn’t appreciate yours either. Nannies also have places they need to be and showing up past your scheduled time is very inconsiderate. It also sets a poor precedent for your nanny.  When you come home on time, you show that you respect your nanny’s time and that you value her personal obligations. But even when you do arrive punctually, delaying your nanny’s departure is just as discourteous.

 “If parents arrive on time but then insist on talking to us for 15 minutes about the day, or let their children lead them around the house to show them things or interrupt us multiple times while we’re trying to catch up on the day, etc. then technically you’re not on time, because I’m still leaving 15 minutes late…Also PLEASE don’t encourage a child that doesn’t want us to leave by saying things like “Maybe ‘nanny’ will stay a little longer and finish your game of Candy Land before she goes home if you ask her nicely.”  Sometimes we will, but we have lives too and that puts us in an awkward position and we’ll look like a meanie if we say no.” –Jessica L.

Unorganized Chaos. Does this sound like your household? Maybe this is your own “normal” but remember, to an outsider, this can be a very uncomfortable situation. Households with little to no structure make it very difficult for even the best nanny to know what to do. Children with little to no structure are equally difficult to handle.

“My biggest pet peeve is when parents don’t have a schedule, especially for babies and younger children. In my experience, when a child has no bed time schedule or morning routine, it makes it that much harder for the child and myself to get settled.” –Heather S.

Unclear expectations. Most nannies will thrive in an environment where the expectations of them are made very clear so they always know where they stand. This is why we strongly encourage families to have a written and signed work agreement in place which lists, in detail, the duties the nanny should perform each day.

“I am not a mind reader. I want to please my clients but every family is different and has different needs and expectations. I am comfortable taking initiative once I fully understand what you are wanting from me, but until then, I am lost.” –K.S.

“I can’t tell whether the family I work for loves me or hates me and it is so nerve wracking. If I do something right, tell me! If I do something wrong, tell me!  How else will I know how to do my job better?” –Amy B.

Unrealistic Expectations. This is a big one. If you have been through nanny after nanny and none of them are good enough, it might be time to reevaluate your standards. In some cases, parents are far too lenient and they tolerate unacceptable behavior (e.g. texting all day while the kids watch TV.)  But in just as many cases, parents set a nearly impossible-to meet-standard, pushing away really quality candidates. It helps to know the current market. Exceptional nannies are truly hard to come by. Understanding what’s out there may help you appreciate your own imperfect nanny more.

“I never quite understood when parents expected me to have the energy, creativity and the patience to constantly entertain their children for twelve hours straight without any breaks but when they take over, they only have enough patience to be around their children for five minutes and then send them off to another room.” -M.C.

Unfair or Untimely Pay. Considering how hard great nannies are to come by, trying to get the best “deal” is not always the best approach. I tell families this all the time—“Nannies shop around for families just like families shop around for nannies.” – and it’s true. Consider the nannies education, experience, knowledge and your job description when determining a fair pay. And remember that many families (who you should view as competitors) offer a generous benefits packages for their nannies.  Even throwing in a few extra dollars or perks here and there to show your appreciation goes a long way. The International Nanny Association is a great resource for families seeking to understand what is typical for the industry and what other families offer. Paying your nanny in a timely manner is just as important.

“Please pay us on time and don’t make us beg for it, especially if we need it at the time and can’t wait for you to remember it. It’s awkward and we shouldn’t have to feel bad asking for money we are owed but we do.” –Angela T.

Hovering.  How good are you at your job when someone is always looking over your shoulder? Many nannies refuse to accept positions in which one or more parent will be home with the nanny on a regular basis. It is an issue brought up over and over again to us. There are likely many reasons for this but nannies mainly avoid working alongside mom and dad because of past experiences with hovering parents.

“Hovering (yet not participating) while I am trying to do my job: I understand that parents want to make sure the people they hire to care for their children are doing a good job, but sometimes their presence is a distraction to the children. Also, I tend to feel very self-conscious when I know I am being watched, which may inadvertently compromise my work. It’s one thing to work as a team, but completely different when I feel that I am under harsh scrutiny.” –Melanie B.

“Honestly, the worst thing parents can do is talk down to a nanny and take the work right out of our hands. We do our best to adapt quickly to a family’s everyday routine and learn how they function. But I have had a parents get impatient and take the work from me while I stand there like an idiot. And then they proceed to subtly suggest I’m incompetent in some sort of way. Thanks for the opportunity to voice my opinion!” –Carmen R.

Inconsistent Parenting. Good nannies will try to be an extension of your own parenting and when possible, implement your family’s preferred discipline strategies and parenting styles. But when you are inconsistent, your nanny may have a hard time following your lead. Plus, it’s just downright annoying. Consistency is everything when it comes to running a successful household and raising a well-adjusted child. A lack thereof is detrimental to all parties involved.

“It bothers me when I’m told “No TV whatsoever with the kids” but they’re in front of it when I arrive in the morning…The TV is somehow only the devil when the babysitter [is in charge]… God-forbid, I have a mini break during an 11-12 hour day. I don’t laze around watching TV while I’m working, nor do I want to let the kids zone-out on it all day long, but it’s getting super annoying how ‘scared’ of it people seem to be.”    –S.L.

“Inconsistencies between the instructions that parents give me and the instructions they give their children: It is difficult to establish myself as an authority figure when the parents tell me to do one thing, such as make sure the children stay off computers for the rest of the day, and then allow their children to engage in the very activity the parent instructed me not to allow. Although ultimately it is up to parents to decide what is best for their children, actions such as these inadvertently establish me as the “bad guy” and make it difficult to build a strong and loving relationship with the children.” -Blaine T.

 “I hate when parents don’t back up set punishments. Like when the mom says when they do this they go in timeout, but when you put them in timeout mommy becomes the comforter.” -Laura S.

Pets, Grandma and Dust Bunnies. An uncomfortable work environment has the potential to drive even the best and most patient nannies away. You might enjoy being pummeled by your 75 pound husky every time you walk into the door, but chances are, your nanny doesn’t. Endless clutter, dirty bathrooms and foul-smelling kitchens may not bother you, but a nanny who is not accustomed to putting housekeeping on the back burner may get easily stressed out by having to work in your mess day in and day out. Also, when additional family members come for an extended stay, consider how your nanny may be affected by the change and plan accordingly. An overbearing grandmother has the power to totally change a family’s normal dynamics. And it may be more than your nanny signed up for. This seems insignificant but we have seen this happen more times than once.

“When in-laws and relatives visit and stay with you, it doesn’t matter how “nice” they are, they’re not OUR family and so it’s awkward for us to continue having to work while they’re visiting.  It would be nice if you took time off to be with your visiting family during that time instead of making us work beside them or have to drive them around with us everywhere.” -Julila S.

Poor Communication.  Are you a passive aggressive boss? Do you smile at your nanny when she enters the door and then talk poorly about her with your spouse later? Have you ever been unhappy with her performance but never shared your concerns? When parents come to us for advice regarding a “nanny gone wrong” our first question is usually, “When was the last time you sat down for a meeting?” Communication is the key to any relationship. The one you have with your nanny is no exception. You and your child care provider should have regular sit downs in which you discuss what is working well and what isn’t.

“My biggest pet peeve is passive aggressive mothers. In my career, I have dealt with more than one. I know I did something wrong because she is slamming doors loudly or she is secretly talking to her mother over the phone just loud enough so I can hear. The worst part is, is that many of these mothers are employers in the work force themselves and I know would have no problem telling their “real employees” constructive criticism. Why is it so hard for mothers to communicate to their household employee?”   –Christina M.

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Rosalind Prather, a local “momtrepreneur,” is a former professional nanny and currently co-owns Trusting Connections, Tucson’s premier nanny agency. For more information visit www.trustingconnections.com. 

They say children don’t come with instruction books.

Whoever “they” are haven’t googled parenting advice.

If you search for parenting books on Amazon, over seventy-seven thousand results turn up. It’s all very tempting, really.  For about fifteen bucks you can find out how to make your child the “happiest baby on the block” and when he or she gets older, you won’t have to worry about being one of those moms on the playground hollering for her kids to come “right this second!” because by then, you will have read “Scream Free Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids By Keeping Your Cool.”

The truth is, children DO come with manuals…lots and lots of them. And they all conflict and contradict and confuse. It’s enough to drive most well-intentioned mothers insane. We want to do everything right; the problem is, in an effort to read everything we can about how to raise our babies, the inner voice inside us becomes less and less audible. We are losing the ability to mother by instinct.

Right now, I am admittedly deep into multiple books about infant sleep, lingering on to every word, waiting desperately for that one magic system or trick or piece of advice that will help my four-month-old sleep through the night. I realize how insane that might sound to some parents who have already figured out that babies simply don’t sleep well—that’s why there are so many books written about it (as my husband aptly pointed out), but as a former nanny and now an owner of a nanny agency, my experience with multiple children has actually been a disadvantage to my own mothering. I thought that surely, the opposite would be true. But just like some parents fall into the “my-last-kid-didn’t-do-this” trap, I too, find myself comparing my own baby with the many I have worked with as a nanny.

I once nannied for a family that, in perfect engineeresque fashion, had their twins, on a perfectly synchronized schedule. They made perfect poops at the perfect times after perfectly portioned (and measured) homemade, unprocessed meals. They went down for naps and bedtime with ease after a flawless nighttime routine and for twelve straight hours, like clockwork, they slept without a peep. Much of my own parenting styles were inspired by this concept. I know from experience that children thrive on routines and need consistency, but somehow this is all easier said than done. And when I am unsuccessful at implementing these methods with my own baby, I spend time agonizing over what I am doing wrong. And I believe that other mothers experience similar emotions of frustration and self-doubt when their children don’t quite live up to the expectations set forth in the books they read.

In the popular show Sex and the City, the lead character Carrie, invites us to stop “shoulding all over ourselves.” I loved that line when I heard it the first time, and I love it even more now as a mom.

I come from an industry of shoulding. Every good nanny knows you should never put a child to sleep on her stomach, breast milk should never be microwaved, and children’s developing brains should be stimulated by hands-on activities rather than TV. The shoulding extends not only to what we should do but how and when we should do it. And it doesn’t stop there either.

We should all over our babies, too. By three months she should be sleeping through the night, by four months she should be rolling over, by six months she should be eating solids.  We should in the present, in the future and even in the past. My mother still says she should have been less lenient about allowing my sister and me to talk back and argue with her. (Her regret likely stems from the fact that we still do this today!)

I am not suggesting that we throw caution to the wind, parent irresponsibly, and hope for the best. But like most things Americans do in extremes-diet and then binge, laze around in front of the TV for hours then run like a hamster on the treadmill, drink-we also need to restore the balance in our approaches to parenting. Believe me, I have met some parents who really needed to read some books on parenting. But I have also worked with incredibly well-versed parents who throw around trendy, philosophical parenting jargon who have just as poorly behaved children. So are all these books really creating better parents? Probably not.

Even before I could speak, I was rocking and “shhhing” my baby dolls to comfort them. In fact, as most moms know, this womb-simulating sound is one we are practically wired to make. My nana, who is a great grandmother to my daughter, caught herself swaying with concern the other day as she watched me rocking her as she cried. We both laughed about it a bit—I guess a mother never loses that inner, natural response upon hearing a child cry. We need to remember this when we digest the latest parenting advice. Somewhere inside of us is the right answer. Nature has already equipped us with most everything we need to know about raising our children.

So I figured this would be a perfect way to begin my blog. After all, as a modern day Mary Poppins, I will inevitably be sharing some tidbits of advice and discussing new issues relevant to parents. But I want you to know that I come from a place of genuine humility, compassion and understanding. And I ask you to never underestimate the inherent knowledge and wisdom you possess as a mother. At the end of the day, only you know what is best for your own unique child. So when advice inevitably comes your way, process it carefully, take the bits and pieces that make sense for your family and then let it go. In doing this you are mastering the art of shoulding. In the same way, let this blog give you something to consider…let it inspire you maybe, but never rule you.

Because as they say, no two children are alike and sometimes, the best expert is you.

Who are they anyway and where are they at 2 ‘o clock in the morning?

Rosalind Prather, a local “momtrepreneur,” is a former professional nanny and currently co-owns Trusting Connections, Tucson’s premier nanny agency. For more information visit www.trustingconnections.com.