Guide to Arizona for Sarah Palinby Hugh Holub on May. 29, 2011, under politics
The word is Sarah Palin is moving from Alaska to Arizona.
As those of you who have recently moved from somewhere else to Arizona…there are some things you needed to know to make your adjustment a little easier. You can imagine what a shock Sarah is in for when she encounters 115 degrees outside. That’s above zero.
So here is some important information for Sarah about Arizona:
Juneau:You know Juneau as the capital of Alaska. But when you hear the word “juno” in Arizona is is the start of a sentence like “juno where the Wal Mart is?”
Sled dogs: Sled dog racing is not very popular in Arizona but one might considered harnessing 20 or 30 chihuahuas to a sled.
Ice: Arizonans get their ice either from a ice machine (that’s the compartment on the door of the refrigerator) or from the Circle K.
Ice fishing: In Arizona this involves rooting around the freezer compartment at the grocery store for frozen fish.
Snow: From Phoenix you can occasionally see snow way off in the distance on the top of mountains. That’s a close as most Arizonans want to get to snow, except for a weekend in Flagstaff or the White Mountains.
Reptiles: There are lots and lots of four legged reptiles, n0-legged reptiles and two-legged reptiles in Arizona. A lot of them are poisonous….especially the ones that work for tv stations and newspapers.
Wolves: We’ve got a few of them over in eastern Arizona but they are protected by the Endangered Species Act so if you shoot one of them you will go to jail.
Coyotes: We have lots of these critters which look like small wolves. You can shoot at these coyotes as long as you are more than a quarter of a mile from the nearest home. There are also people called “coyotes” who get paid to smuggle illegal aliens into the state. A lot of Arizonans would like to shoot those coyotes, also. Note…there is also a hockey team in Phoenix called the “Coyotes” but we’ve never figured out how they can skate on sand.
Drop House: An Arizona term for renrted homes where “coyotes” stash 50 or 100 illegal aliens while waiting for transportation to LA or Chicago. Not to be confused with “stash house”. Sometimes the illegal aliens in a “drop house” are held for ransom by the “coyotes”, making Phoenix the second worst city in North America for kidnapping. Mexico City is still number one.
Stash House: An Arizona term for a rented house in which illegal drugs smuggled from Mexico are stored before shipment to LA or back east.
Monsoon: This is a time in July and August when the wind changes and blows moisture up from Mexico setting off thunderstorms over the state’s mountains. Instead of snow storms we have dust storms during the monsoon. Don’t stop your car on the roadway if you are caught in a dust storm because some trucker will rear end you going 80 mph. We do not have any Ice Road Truckers here…but during a dust storm they drive like they were on a frozen lake.
Golf: One of the favorite recreational activities of Arizonans is playing golf on luxuriant green courses that are located all over the north and eastern sides of Phoenix. Never ask where the water comes from to irrigate these golf courses.
Drilling for oil and natural gas: As far as we know, outside of the Navajo Indian Reservation, there are no oil or gas reserves under the state. When Arizonans talk about “drilling” they are looking for groundwater.
Snowbirds: That’s a term Arizonans use to describe people who come to the state in the winter to escape snow up north and east. You will probably be considered a “snowbird” unless you actually live through the summer in Scottsdale.
Moose: In Arizona this is some kind of expensive desert you can order at Scottsdale resorts.
CAP: Does not mean a “gimme cap” people wear. It is short hand for the Central Arizona Project which delivers water to Phoenix from the Colorado River,which flows down from the Rockies in Colorado. The people in Colorado think we’re stealing their water. We are.
SRP: Is not shorthand for syrup. This is the Salt River project which provides irrigation water to the Valley and electricity to half the people in the Valley. This is the most powerful lobby in the state and are good folks to be on the good side of if you want a political career inside Arizona.
APS: Is not shorthand for an iPhone application. This is the privately owned electric utility that serves the other half of the Valley. You will no doubt hear from them about important issues to resolve in Washington.
Hell: After your first summer in Arizona with day upon day of 110 degree weather you will appreciate that God does not send sinners from Phoenix to Hell when they die…they are sent to Alaska.