Judging by stories in the media, global warming causes everything bad and strange. For instance, global warming will cause one-third of the U.S. to be colonized by giant Burmese pythons (USA Today 2-21-08); climate change could lead to “killer cornflakes” (Sydney Morning Herald 5-13-08); global warming will shrink Scottish sheep (Arizona Daily Star, 7-03-9), and cause a 30% drop in worker productivity (NYT 7-11-09). You can see a long list, with story links, of similar media stories here: http://tinyurl.com/f4xnr

On the other hand, it seems that almost everything causes global warming. Rent-seeking researchers claim “Mammoth dung, prehistoric goo may speed warming,” Reuters (9-16-07). The Dallas News (12-03-07), reports that divorces cause global warming because then two households are needed. Does that mean the EPA will be regulating divorces?

More recently, we learned from major media that fat people cause global warming because they consume more food and it takes more fuel to transport them.

In spite of all these stories, there are still some potential causes of global warming that have, so far, escaped media attention.

I’ve noticed that football and basketball games consist of a bunch of big guys running around. That generates heat. Also, these guys are breathing hard, expelling lots of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. We need legislation to modify this behavior: no running allowed. In the spirit of global cooperation, we should also include soccer. Although soccer players tend to be smaller than football or basketball players, the riotous fans make up the difference in emissions. We can probably give baseball a pass for now, since emissions per unit time are within accepted EPA air quality guidelines.

Beer and other carbonated beverages release carbon dioxide into the atmosphere when the bottles or cans are opened, and my cause methane emissions later on. In order to protect the industry, we should not ban production; we should just ban opening the bottles and cans. We could also promote greater use of wine and whiskey as more eco-friendly substitutes.

One of the greatest sources of hot air in the nation is politicians. Many, especially those in Washington, D.C., are guilty of reasonless rhetoric and unrestrained blathering. We need to ration rhetoric and ban blathering. Take a lesson from Twitter and impose a maximum verbiage limit per communication and a monthly maximum as well. Perhaps we should limit Representatives to 2,000 words per month, and Senators to 3,000 words per month. Of course the details will have to be worked out to give equal and fair representation to small words versus big words.

The rest of the animal kingdom is not blameless either. Take termites, please. According to the journal Science (11-05-82), termites alone emit ten times more carbon dioxide than all the factories and automobiles in the world. I see here an opportunity for some of those green jobs: develop and install carbon capture devices on termites.

And then there are hummingbirds which, gram for gram, are the most profligate energy consumers after humans. We better keep an eye on them.

These are just a few things to consider if you are really serious about global warming. I have a wary eye on some others, such as the boisterous crowds at synchronized swimming events.

Notwithstanding all of the above, the real cause of global warming has finally been revealed. It was recently found that the rise in surface temperatures since 1880 correlates almost exactly with the increase of first class U.S. postal rates for the same time period, see graph: http://tinyurl.com/ctk24k

(Seriously, keep this in mind when you read of a study that “links” something to something else.)

Countering global warming is the well-known “Gore Effect.” It seems that whenever Al Gore goes someplace to speak about global warming, that area experiences unusually cold weather. See http://tinyurl.com/n375bg

There you have it folks. We don’t need expensive cap & trade schemes or carbon taxes, just a few modifications of behavior. And somebody better speak to the Post Office.