PRESIDENT BUSH said he will send National Guard troops to patrol the nation’s southern border. It was easy to get him to do it. They used satellite photos of Los Alamos to convince President Bush that New Mexico has nuclear weapons.
THE VATICAN condemned “The Da Vinci Code” as heresy and urged Catholics to boycott the movie. They needn’t worry. No one seriously believes that Jesus Christ married a hooker and became head of the Rat Pack after Humphrey Bogart died.
THE SAN FRANCISCO Giants drew six sellout crowds hoping to watch Barry Bonds tie Babe Ruth last week, but he didn’t deliver. It’s no surprise. They play at AT&T Park and no one wants to do anything when they think the NSA is listening.
AL GORE told a newspaper in Boulder, Colo., he has no interest in running for president, because he’s focused on saving the planet. Mr. Gore just made $50 million on the stock of Google, a search engine for computers that run on electricity generated from fossil fuels. Nobody’s perfect.
MOUNT MERAPI volcano erupted in Indonesia, spewing deadly gases high into the atmosphere. People were evacuated as molten lava went streaming toward nearby villages. President Bush reminded Americans that he’s kept us safe from this.
VERIZON was sued by privacy advocates for sharing their customer data with the National Security Agency. The company swears it protects its customers’ privacy. For only $10 per month, you can get 50 surveillance-free minutes.
TED KENNEDY’s Cessna was struck by lightning while he was flying between commencement addresses. Everyone’s fine. Either it was a freak weather event or God doesn’t want the Kennedys telling young people how to live their lives.
AUSTRALIAN Prime Minister John Howard and President Bush dug up two White House trees Sunday and replanted them at Australia’s embassy. Leaning on a shovel, Mr. Bush posed for the cameras. Once a government worker, always a government worker.
Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: email@example.com.