THE WHITE HOUSE announced the bald eagle is no longer threatened and so the Interior Department has removed the national bird from the endangered species list. Republicans love the bald eagle. It tastes just like condor.

THE STATE Department said the U.S. is working with Syria and Iran to stop incursions into Iraq. We can’t control the borders. U.S. troops have only been in Iraq for only four years and Telemundo is the No. 1 network.

RUDY GIULIANI’S campaign chairman in South Carolina was indicted for possession and distribution of 500 grams of cocaine. It was an honest misunderstanding. Giuliani told him to get him 500 grams of Rogaine.

THE WHITE HOUSE reached a deal with Colombia, clearing the way for a free-trade treaty. Their two main products are coffee and cocaine. The country is in its 400th year of the War on Sleep.

DICK CHENEY (right) caused a firestorm by refusing to allow National Archives auditors to review his handling of classified material as required by law. He told investigators the law doesn’t apply to him. It’s right there in Nixon’s will.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

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