APPLE’S new cell phone came out featuring a hand-held wireless Internet connection. Anything you do can be picked up by U.S. spy satellites. As soon as people hear this, there will be a five-block line to buy two tin cans and a string.

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin arrived Sunday at Kennebunkport, Maine, to spend a day with President Bush at the Bush family summer residence. It makes you think. When President Bush said the enemy would follow us home, he didn’t say from which war.

HOMELAND Security Director Mike Chertoff said border fence construction is under way. It’s not a new idea. Every problem this country faces can be traced back to an unenlightened immigration policy by American Indians.

NEW YORK Mayor Mike Bloomberg dropped hints that he may be open to running for president. He recently attended a breakfast that raised $12 million to get his campaign rolling. He dined alone with his checkbook.

BARRY BONDS was thrilled when fans of major league baseball voted to make him a starting out- fielder in the All-Star Game. Apparently, he’s above the rules – and above the law. The Republicans may have just found their next vice president.

PRIME MINISTER Tony Blair bid farewell to Parliament, formally resigned from office and left 10 Downing St. His departure has really upset President Bush. His parents had to tell him that Blair went to go live on a farm.

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