OSAMA BIN LADEN’s driver Salim Hamdan goes on trial this week. He was seized with two surface-to-air missiles in his car in Tora Bora. The case has been working its way through the courts for five years as the next big test of Second Amendment rights.

THE GOLDEN NUGGET in Las Vegas replaced its swimming pool with a water slide that runs through a giant water tank containing tiger sharks, sand sharks and Pacific blacktip sharks. It’s not that unusual. Every casino has a loan department.

THE NATIONAL Bartenders Association reported that tips at bars are down 30 percent. You don’t have to impress a woman in a bar by flashing your cash. Women today won’t go home with you unless they see your vehicle’s gas gauge.

THE GREEN BAY Packers filed charges against the Minnesota Vikings for improper contact with Brett Favre. What is it about Minneapolis? A man can’t even go to the airport restroom in that town without having this charge filed against him.

“DARK KNIGHT,” starring Heath Ledger in his last completed role, opened to all-time record audiences. The actor’s almost-certain Oscar nomination sends a real message to young people in Hollywood. You can do heroin and die and not have it hurt your career.

IRAQ’s Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki asked the U.S. for a troop withdrawal timeline and added he will allow no permanent U.S. bases in Iraq. His comments were welcomed in the White House. It’s been so long since Dick Cheney had a good laugh.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@ argushamilton.com

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