The White House held a briefing to prepare Barack Obama for disaster or emergency. President Bush and Vice President Cheney took him through a doomsday scenario. They watched the evening news.
The New York Health Department took steps to reduce the pigeons in Central Park. The birds are better liked than stockbrokers. The difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker is that the bird still can make a deposit on a new Ferrari.
President Bush defended his decision to wiretap Americans without a warrant. His thinking is al-Qaida wants to steal our freedoms, so if he steals them first, the joke’s on them.
Cuba was favored to win the World Baseball Classic over the U.S. It ignited a health care debate. No one knows if socialist health care is better than private care. We’re waiting to see who lives longer, Fidel Castro or Dick Cheney.
Sarah Palin (right) slammed Tina Fey for impersonating her on “Saturday Night Live.” It’s no picnic for Fey. People keep asking her why her daughter’s still living in sin with that hockey player.
Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, was given her own private gym at his London residence. She mustn’t turn into a flamboyant media hog who upstages the prince. Nobody’s going to buy that car-accident-in-the-tunnel story a second time.
Caroline Kennedy‘s favorability ratings among New York voters slipped as she lobbied to be appointed to the U.S. Senate. If appointed, she will be seated without question. It’s not like in Illinois, where you have to show the receipt.
The National Park Service estimated 4 million people will be in Washington for the inauguration. It could get ugly. Between the inauguration and the economy, 4 million people could end up on the street without food, shelter or bathrooms.
Barack Obama was reported to be considering moving the Guantanamo prisoners to Camp Pendleton near San Diego. We know where this is headed. A year from now, the administration will be defending the practice of boogie-boarding during interrogations.
Joe the Plumber reported from Gaza that reporters shouldn’t be allowed near the war zone. What a character. Joe the Plumber cost John McCain the state of Ohio in November by leaving so many toilets clogged up to go out campaigning for him.
President Bush told talk show host Larry King he was not interested in becoming Major League Baseball commissioner. It’s for artistic reasons. George W. Bush is really and truly a knowledgeable expert on baseball, and it would clash with his body of work.
Osama bin Laden (right) said on tape that Americans are glad President Bush is leaving because he led us into two wars and financial chaos. The al-Qaida leader has been living in a cave so long he’s forgotten nobody likes an I-told-you-so.
Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: email@example.com