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Humor by Argus Hamilton

President Obama’s press conference answers ran so long that one network cut away from him in midanswer to cover the Westminster Dog Show in New York. It was comforting to libertarians to see that no matter how much power the president grabs for himself, he’ll never be powerful enough to pre-empt a dog show.

Charles Darwin is celebrated Friday on the 200th anniversary of the Father of Evolution’s birth in England. By coincidence, Abe Lincoln won born on the same day. Only basketball has ever caused more fighting in Kansas than these two guys.

McDonald’s had a big jump in sales as the economic slump has drawn upscale diners from fancy restaurants to the Golden Arches. The new customers are easy to spot. They order red wine with a Big Mac and white wine with Filet o’ Fish.

Raúl Castro (below) signed a partnership pact with Moscow and brought best wishes to Russia from his brother. Fidel, who preceded Raúl as president of Cuba, simply refuses to die. Every American president since Harry Truman has been survived by each’s wife and Fidel Castro.

The U.S. Border Patrol announced that its 700-mile-long border fence in Texas is only 70 miles short of being completed. The barrier is 18 feet high. This fence is constantly being knocked down, lately from the American side.

Osama bin Laden said U.S. foreign policy caused the economic crisis. He’s doing fine. Al-Qaeda is cash-heavy because the U.S. kept banks from accepting their money, making Osama bin Laden the favorite to win this year’s Nobel Prize in Economics.

The Distilled Spirits Council said people are drinking cheaper stuff, and they’re drinking at home. We’re starting to see the pattern. Savvy investors just realized when Jeb Bush becomes president, the stocks to own will be Gallo and Kraft.

Rush Limbaugh ripped the new administration on Fox News and described President Obama’s proposed stimulus package as socialism. It’s unfair to call him a socialist. Democrats believe it’s OK to be rich as long as you feel awful about it.

The Washington Post released a commemorative edition of its Inauguration Day edition after the original sold 10 million copies. Newspaper sales have shot way up during this presidency. Just try sleeping on a park bench with a computer over you.

The U.S. Army opened a fat farm for recruits to shape them up for basic training camp. Obesity has become a problem. The reason we have to keep so many soldiers in Korea is to keep the earth from wobbling from all the troops we have in the Middle East.

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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