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Humor by Argus Hamilton: A new Russian threat

Venezuela and Cuba offered bases to Russia for its bombers to use when patrol-ling the Western Hemisphere. It’s nerve wracking. We’ve never had a president face a Russian military threat in this hemisphere without Marilyn Monroe’s wise counsel.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner flew to London to discuss banking reform. The administration wants to end havens for tax fugitives. All they have to do is change the locks on the White House Cabinet room and they’ll be flushed out into the hallway.

George W. Bush dropped by a Dallas hardware store recently and posed for pictures with customers. He’s still getting blame for the bad economy. Last night, his plane had to make an emergency landing when a flock of shoes flew into the jet engines.

Arnold Schwarzenegger (right) agreed to act in Sylvester Stallone’s new movie. They’ve both had huge success in the movie business. The difference between movies and baseball is, in movies you can quit doing steroids after only three hits and still get a big contract.

Charles Barkley’s swing is being fixed by Tiger Woods’ coach Hank Haney on the Golf Channel. His golf swing is off-balance, wild, halting and herky-jerky. The show’s only aired twice and already he has been offered the job of deputy Treasury secretary.

The Wall Street Journal was reported to be adding a sports section. Do we want traders studying sports statistics all day? In two weeks they’ll figure out they can improve the markets by injecting steroids into the seats on the Exchange.

The White House considered sending National Guard troops to the Mexican border. The Texas National Guard could be called up for possible combat duty. Maybe it wasn’t a speaking engagement that brought George W. Bush to Canada this month.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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