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Humor by Argus Hamilton: Pitchfork futures

Hillary Clinton said Americans share the blame for the Mexican border drug violence because we buy the drugs and sell the guns. Hold the outrage. These are the only two industries that haven’t asked the U.S. government for a bailout.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress for the power to regulate derivatives trading. Smart people always know how to make money. This year, the guy who made the most is the one who bought pitchfork futures back in September.

EU Parliament member Daniel Hannan of England became a conservative star with a grandiloquent denunciation of Prime Minister Gordon Brown for overspending. It made many wistful. Republicans could have had the next great conservative president of the United States, but they had to go and sign that damned Declaration of Independence.

Brazil’s President Lula da Silva (below) stunned his guest, U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, by saying the financial crisis was caused by white men with blue eyes. His economy is based on topless beaches and drug traffic. He should stop insulting his customers.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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