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Humor by Argus Hamilton: Freedom Tower name dropped

Rick Wagoner got a $20 million retirement package when he left General Motors. No amount of public outrage will persuade him to give it back. If there’s one thing these guys learned from the AIG scandal, it’s that it’ll all blow over in a week.

The NCAA basketball tournament ends up this weekend in Michigan’s Ford Field in Detroit. The president made his prediction for the Final Four. By next week, the only ones left standing will be Fiat, Prius, Volt and the Austin Mini Cooper.

Freedom Tower was dropped as the new World Trade Center’s name because Chinese tenants might be offended. What an outrage. We’re lucky al-Qaida isn’t opening an office there or kids would have to be taught that the Twin Towers were brought down by Canada geese.

Kayaker Pedro Oliva set a record paddling over Salto Belo Falls. The Brazilian dropped 200 feet and surfaced after two minutes underwater. It set a record for the longest anyone has gone without seeing President Obama on television.

Robert Gates, U.S. secretary of Defense, said there are no plans to shoot down North Korea’s soon-to-be-launched missile. All the states it could reach voted for Obama. Every day, the GOP’s prospects for the next presidential election look a little brighter.

John Kerry (below) led an El Paso, Texas, panel investigating the Mexico drug cartels’ incursions into the U.S. We’re being invaded by an oil country. If this was an episode of the game show “Jeopardy,” the category would be “Turnabout’s Fair Play.”

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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